FOUNDHARMONY

I love everyone here, truthfully, when I started out I had so much fun, it was amazing to see how welcome I was. broke me out of a lot of walls i had up being in this fandom. Every time i come on here I feel less and less like me, more of the same? ive lost my spark and I feel like maybe it just means my time with rumi is up. I can't wake her up, the excitement I had writing her now feels washed away by the tides. I dont know if I will feel different tomorrow. im sorry for everything people are waiting on or excited for. ill leave this blog up, maybe it'll change. i know i said a hiatus but maybe i need to be more strict on myself and just for now, leave altogether. because i havent logged out, because i still get notifications, I still come back and it just makes it worse. I feel kind of like a loner on tumblr, i can be goofy and just myself, but im still really shy and closed off. its easy to that way on the dash, but then i add ppl on discord and idk something shifts and i get scared. i dont know how to do conversations anymore, i suck at it. I join servers and then I just mute them because it gets overwhelming.

I used to be all for that back in the day. god if you knew me then you'd probably shocked by how I am now. I threw myself at every opportunity, i dont think anything really scared me. Its not just an online thing either, i just, with everything. The idea of possibly getting hurt never hit me back then. now its all I think about. letting someone in, letting them get to know me. I think about how many people that couldn't have meant something more to me if I had just taken the chance. i think about how much i wish i could be that person again. the more i spend on here, watching everyone have fun. i dont know why i think I cant have that again. like its just something i dont get to have. im actually scared of so much. i want to be seen but then i'm afraid of what will happen if people see a little too much. i like making people feel seen, letting them know they aren't alone, that they are special and important and everything they think they aren't. that i see it but then when they send it back to me, i just.. i dont know how to take it.

people tell me things all the time and then later I find out it was all lies. it makes it so hard to wonder whats real, whats not. trying to figure out how how important am I in this persons life and am I as important as they are to me. what boundaries i have to set. and ive always told myself, im fine with being alone. im gotten used to it, I've accept this is how I am. I'm comfortable with it. i know how to love me, i know how to entertain me, i know how to get by with it just being me. because i never trust anyone enough to try it a different way. and its why being here is so hard because I am scared. i see how everyone interacts with each other, I want so badly to experience an inkling of that again but im terrified. because it used to be easy. and it hurts and im trying so hard not to lie to myself because I know avoiding the issue isnt going to help me either. its not just something I feel only on this blog either, its across. its tumblr. and i know a lot of my bitterness on this site comes from how people act, and how they pretend to be something they arent. how i feel we just get ignored if we aren't performing the way we should.

Maybe its why i dont leave completely. because I still have met good people, and maybe I stay for them. or maybe im still looking, maybe its both. building connections is supposed to the point of this hobby. making friends, and I feel like i've honestly forgotten how to do that. and thats on me. i have to learn to do better. but its becoming so hard to come on this site and see everyone bonding, and being together and I just, can't. i can't let myself. i can't rip off my own bandaid and put myself out there. because I do feel like i'm watching from outside a window, and smiling because I love to see it. all the fun, all the memes and the jokes. it makes me laugh, but i feel like thats inside, i cant just walk in. crazy i know. but i know its because, im afraid, afraid of what happens when i get rejected, or if it becomes too real and i have to pull away. i wish i could wash myself clean of it. stop being so scared, stop worrying that everyone i come into contact with is going to bad intentions. I've had to sit out of so much from people I love because of how situations ended up, i've been cut out of so much, i've had to listen and watch others have fun without me in my own life. i think ive just have been isolated so long i dont know how to not just, be by myself. i hate when ppl call me strong for it too, because i wish I could fall apart. I wish I could crash out and scream and shout and let it out but i just cant. because i wished for so long there was someone i could count on to let me fall, let me cry it out, for once be the one to reach out to me. to notice. and all i ever got was silence from people I was counting on. and now i get that from a select few and I dont know how to receive it. and it makes me feel broken as fuck. it makes me feel horrible and awful.

I just feel like a puzzle piece that got put inside the wrong box. You can't put me in a box, because my jagged edges will stick out, cuz th colors will spill outside it. I am never this or the other; I'm everything and anything all at once. I'm whatever I feel like. but the box, feels like where everyone else is, and I feel like in order to be with everyone else I have to find ways to make it work and it just... doesn't for me.

This movie moved me in so many ways. it was just Rumi I felt for. I'm always gonna be the problem child in my family Mira. I always feel like I'm too much and not enough so much to the point idk what to give anymore. I've been struggling so much in my life right now, my health getting worse, trying to stay above it, still trying to be some bright light and i feel like its broken.

There's still so much of myself I am trying to love. I asked my first love a question, because as much I try to push down my feelings I can't. I asked him if he felt I was still the same, because he has been the only person who actually knew me as who i was before all this shit happened to me. He knows the OG, because I miss that girl. I miss her so much I fear I've lost her forever to the way people have torn me apart. I feel like i don't know anymore. she was so outgoing, loud, bubbly, she scared to give her heart to people. she gave people a purpose, she saved people, she befriended people, she made them feel safe. I asked him because despite how many years or months we go by without talking, we're still the same. and if he can still see it, then there's room for hope right? That girl is still in there I just have to find her.

I choose the url foundharmony because to me that is Rumi. She found every one a purpose again, she gave them back what they thought they lost but it was there the whole time she just helped to bring it out. she has such a beautiful power to make people feel like they belong, like they are understood and accepted. all the things she needed the most too. These past few weeks I feel like I've lost my voice, my harmony, my spark. I feel more of the same, I feel so cloudy, I feel so off key. Both on here and in real life. like I've just stopped engaging, stopped talking, i feel like I've lost my footing and I don't know what I stand right now being on here. I've been avoiding rewatching the movie, and I think I know why. Tik tok shoved the ending in my face, and listening to 'This is what it sounds like' pulled in. The way Rumi was able to reach Zoey and Mira, I felt that. I felt the way my chest tightened, and i was watching her regain all her power back. and I felt like Jinu, with her matching towards me telling me she would find my find my harmony and I believe her. The song felt like a hug around my soul, something I've been needing.

To remind me I'm bigger, powerful, stronger than I think I am. She is a leader, she is who people look up, who people want to be because look at what she went through and she came out of it. And to me, that means everything. no one helped her, at the end of the day, she made the decision herself. i learned early on that you can't wait on people to come and rescue you. you have to learn to do it yourself, but you also have to learn its okay to rely on others sometimes too. because you cant do it all yourself.