I've been having a rough week as the celebration of Kobe Bryant as a hero when he was a rapist is very triggering for me as a rape survivor. What's worse for me personally is the fact that people who are aware of my trauma, friends and family, are also defending him, denying what he did, or at the very least saying that he's dead now so we should all just move on and respect his memory. If you care about me, and especially if you are one of these people, please bear with me, and read my whole post.
Naturally, I would like to say my heart is broken for the families of the deceased and I wish no ill-will towards them. However, I'm not a subscriber to the idea "we can't speak ill of the dead" bevause it's "disrespectful", particularly when we are discussing rapists. It's disrespectful to survivors of assault to not acknowledge how they must feel when they watch their rapist be celebrated, and someone always ends up celebrating the rapist - famous or not. It is a painful reminder that rapists often get to move on and live their lives after having ruined, or at the very least violated, the life of someone else in one of the worst ways. For Kobe Bryant's victim, it is especially worse because he was as famous as he was.
I also disagree with the sentiment that we should not call Kobe out on this because he was a black role model. All rapists should be criticized/called out for their behavior regardless of race. This does not mean that I do not acknowledge that it's absolutely true that black men in particular are disproportionately falsely accused of many crimes and imprisoned, and that this country has a huge problem when it comes to racial inequity in convicting black people v. convicting white people. For example, David Bowie, a queer icon (and we know how much I love my queer icons), also deserve to be called out for his statutory rape of two underaged girls (but that's not who we are talking about today). Racism and it's prevalence in the judicial system does not absolve anyone, regardless of their race, from being held accountable. Also, as a feminist, it does not matter to me how he had daughters or that he worked towards helping the WNBA. He's still a rapist.
What is also greatly upsetting to me is the arguments against the victim because Kobe wasn't convicted/she didn't testify. Many victims do not report at all, much less testify. This country's legal system is flawed and he had the power and privelege to ensure he would not go to prison for this. This specific victim's case was also particularly awful, as her mental health history and sexuality were used against her in a smear campaign by Kobe's legal team, fans, and the media, when her name was conveniently "accidentally" leaked. She was threatened with death and her reputation destroyed. People she thought she could trust turned on her and sold false information and stories to tabloids and small newspapers.
The next big argument is then "why did she sue him civilly?". A huge benefit to suing him civilly was that it is unlikely she would have to see him or interact with him very much, as civil cases are less involved than criminal cases, often mostly involving the attorneys more than the plaintiff and defendant. There's also rarely jury involvement in these cases, so it is more likely to get a truly impartial result as you are primarily answering to a judge, who would care less about how many people a victim has had sex with and more about the facts and the law. While often money is involved, there is literally no proof that money exchanged hands in this instance. Though it is estimated she received 2.5 million dollars, this estimation is completely based on the fact that that was the highest amount the court would have allowed her to receive. This estimation is also discredited by the fact that she came from a rich family, giving her no reason to extort anyone, and that in Kobe's own public statement he noted she did not receive money. However even if she had received money as people guessed, I don't personally feel that would have been extortion. She pursued a civil case when the criminal system would have failed her. What many of you fail to acknowledge is that... he chose to settle rather than be found "not at fault" . That being said, receiving money in a civil case also doesn't mean by default that it was all a lie for a cash grab at all, so this argument is moot anyway.
The reason that these elements matter so much to me, and should to those who care about me, is because I, too, did not pursue criminal charges against my rapist. While I did not pursue a civil case either, I did not even report him to the police. I did not have faith in the legal system to hold him accountable the same way the legal system likely would not have held Kobe accountable. I did not want to subject myself to the scrutiny that victims face during trial. My rapist was someone known to me and therefore he knew intimate details about my life without having the money and resources to investigate as Kobe and his team did his victim. I, too, am someone with a mental health history that would work against me. I, too, am someone whose active sexual history would have been called into question in a courtroom. For protection of my self and my reputation I also avoided a criminal testimony against my rapist, and he, like Kobe, walks free.
To those of you who knew this - do you see how your dismissals, denials, and "moving on" is harmful to survivors now, that you can relate it to the feelings of someone you know? To those of you who did not know - can you? I have felt so dismissed, questioned, and alone this week, even from those who claimed to support me after what happened to me. The reason it is important to talk about the "worst thing" a dead person has done is that it allows survivors to understand they are not alone, as I felt. Rapists must be held accountable, even in death, even if they were role models, even if they did charity work... or else you will make every survivor of sexual assault feel as if their trauma is worth less than the reputation and legacy of their attacker. Allowing or perpetuating that is unacceptable.
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