I Shall Try

I got invited to my high schools 20 year reunion. We all got in this big group chat on whatsapp. I saw it as I was going to bed and was too nervous to open it up. I thought perhaps people were chatting up a storm as if no time had passed, or reconnecting in a way that I don't know that I am capable of.

I opended it in the morning, and saw that hardly anyone had said anything. I went through and recognized some of the names without being about to remember what they looked like. I have a penchant for knowing someones whole name, so I enjoyed reciting the names I saw again.

I very conciously made the descision to cut ties with everyone from high school. Oddly enough, this severence began with the friends that I was closest to. I did not enjoy a large part of who I was and how I felt with them. Now, I would have expressed that sentiment in words or just maybe continued to see if they changed as well and a fizzling of friendship may have organically occurred anyway. I think about them sometimes. I was very happy when I discovered that my ipod classic contained a 15 minute recording of an old band practice we had.

Then, another chance happened. I was listening to a band my friends and I were all friends with in our 20s/late teens. I listened and I remembered the road trips we went on to see them perform, cramming everyone into someones car and not worrying about very much at all. One time we even took a ferry to New London and I was the only one old enough to get a hotel room. We didn't book anything in advance I think there were maybe 7 of us in one room. We would mosh together and I know people were doing drugs and drinking, but I wasn't. I was having an incredible time anyway though. Anyway, the point is when I was listening to that album I would have given anything to be back at one of those shows, sweatily shoving a bunch of friends and strangers around a mosh pit as they pushed me back while we yelled the lyrics out.

I didn't want to go back to my parents basement for a band practice. I was thrilled I found it and I do miss playing music with those friends, but it didn't make me want to go back. I tried to think of more memories from High School and I don't think I would want to ever just sit in one. In each one I can discover something I would have changed. I started to make friends with the high school students in the next town over because I had so much trouble making friends at my high school. A friend I had was sort of doing the same thing and he showed me this group. I think I end up hanging out with them more than he did. By the way if anyone can help me use the way back machine better than I'm using it, that friend group used to have their own website and I would love to see it.

This whole problem in high school led me to become a little obsessed with making friends. Sometimes I forget I'm like that, but human connection honestly means the world to me and I never take it for granted. I have made amazing friends in college and shortly after. They really shaped me into who I am. I am so grateful. Then, when I moved to Canada I met more amazing people! I sometimes cannot believe how lucky I am to completely have started over and to meet people that I really click with. I am truly grateful for all the friendships in my life. I do believe they may be the most important thing to me. I know this is very cringy but sometimes, espeically after bad movie night, I can still feel the lingerings of everyone's energy and I just take a minute and tell myself "this is my life."

I think I do long for one thing to be back to the way it was in High School. I know this is a crazy thought, but I truly wish my frontal lobe wasn't fully formed sometimes. I used to just feel things so completely. No reason was getting in the way. No logic. Just a feeling. I fully understand that a 37 year old who isn't fully baked yet would be ridiculous. I just want to feel that much again. Or let myself feel that much again. Sometimes I kill joy as well as fear.

I got way off topic, but I'm high so pfft. I want to go to the reunion. If I don't go I might always wonder if I am capable of High School nostalgia and remeniscing. If I am, great! And I hope I reconnect with the people that bring me that type of farback joy. However, if it's bad, I can just leave and know definatively, that I can safely cut all ties without a regret.

My first kiss randomly reached out on instagram to me. We didn't really talk about old times there weren't really any. We didn't even go to the same school. He was quite cute, and I don't think he knew I was unpopular in high school, so I felt lucky he was paying attention to me. I always hoped he would want to date me, but it never happened.

It was night during the summer, right before school started I think. A group of us were hanging out at a park in town that had a gazeebo. The details are blurry because this was 22 years ago, but him and I ended up sitting in the gazeebo together. Alone. I really wanted him to think it was not my first kiss, so I was determined I should French kiss. This went about as awkwardly as you might expect. He asked if I could just do a regular kiss. I was much relieved. We kissed that night alone under the lights that were in the wooden gazeebo painted white. We never had a romance, we messed around and I snuck out a couple of times to see him, or we would make out at house parties, but nothing beyond that.

He was the first of a few of my sexual experiences that I wanted to get over with to say I had done them. I don't really know what I was to him. I truly had such low self esteem in high school that I was surpised he was paying me any sort of sexual attention. I think maybe when I was 16 we hung out once more, but that was it. I will say he was patient and safe and never pushed me to do anything. It was a good, however practical start. I don't want to say I'm thankful for him because respect should be the bare minimum.

I just finished rewatching Brigadoon, and I don't know if I just don't remember it well, but that movie is incredible. I have never seen Schmigadoon, but I have definately seen it parodied in other ways and I don't understand why. Genuinely, I think it's one of the best stories out there. The songs aren't amazing, except for it's almost like being in love. The dancing is people from the NYC Ballet and it's Choreographed by Gene Kelly so all the numbers are stunning and I liked that Vincente had a lot of shots where they showed the dancers feet. It was a visual joy to watch.

The aesthics alone are very much up my alley, as it takes place in a very americanized, romanticized view of early 18th century Scotland complete with highland cows and sheep. It also stars three of my old hollywood favorites: Gene Kelly, Van Johnson and Cyd Charise. There's kilts, bag pipes and heather, a very romantic setting. But none of that would matter without a good story.

I haven't written anything like this in a while but I will try to explain why I feel it is so special. Also, definately warning for spoilers on this 71 year old film.

Two friends from NYC get lost on a hunting trip to Scotland. They happen upon a town that is only visible to regular folks once every hundred years. I did not enjoy the way they made this magical space, it was a man keeping the town safe from witches. One hundred years pass in real time, but in Brigadoon, only one day passes. The two men are trying to figure out what is going on with the town and, in exploring, Gene Kellys character, Tommy, happens upon Cyd Charise's character, Fiona. Her younger sister is getting married and there is a jealous man called Harry. We will get to him in a moment.

Jerry, Van Johnsons character provides cynical comic relief. The delivery, writing and timing of the jokes are immicalute, though some of the material is a bit mysoginistic. He is getting chased by a highland girl, has a drinking problem and also has both feet on the ground in a way that Tommy does not. He serves as a good companion, though not very interested in what Brigadoon has to offer. He also goes to prove that sometimes, even if you don't want to believe in the magic it'll get to you anyway.

Tommy and Fiona quickly fall in love, but Tommy only has til the end of the day to chose whether he wants to stay. The leader of town the tells the lore of Brigadoon, which is that, if anyone leaves from the original people there, the village will cease to exist. However, if you are from outside the town, you may stay if you love a person in the town enough to do so. It cannot be because you love the town, or want a simpler life etc it has to be because you love a person. Although I usually take umbridge with people falling in love in one day, I think the idea is that one day is all they have, is enough to make Tommy and Fionas love feel real to me. Plus, I'm a huge sucker for romance.

Fiona's little sister is getting married, but Harry is terribly jealous. He is meant to be the villian, eventually throwing a fit at their wedding and attempting to escape Brigadoon. But, I really felt for him. Earlier in the film, Harry mentions about not being able to study at Edinburgh. For regular life, it has been two hundred years, for them it has been two days. That would be crushing, to plan a future, to earn a degree, to travel, all lost to you. Your world becomes so tiny and if you don't fit in that town, that would be a suffocating feeling.

Harry tries to escape, intending to destroy Brigadoon for everyone. This felt a little like "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas," if one person is in misery, is that alright if everyone else is happy? It's not as severe a circumstance, but still. I think Harry is a very interesting character because he isn't really a villian, just struggling to accept a fate he very much did not want for the good of everyone else. Anyway, Jerry shoots him, which kills that plot line, but maybe it almost turned out well for Harry, which is dark. I don't know what a good solution would have been had he lived. Maybe to figure out a good system of education by using the poeple who had been to university in that town or something. I'm not really sure.

Tommy and Fiona discuss Tommy staying and they are running out of time. Fiona runs to get the guy who runs the town to let him know they are in love and he wants to stay. In the meantime Tommy runs in to Jerry and Jerry delivers a great speech about how there is a real world with friends, family and Tommy's fiance, Jane, waiting for him back in NYC. It hits Tommy very hard. It's difficult to leave your old life behind, especially when there is no way to get back to it, and Brigadoon has a lot of unknowns. Then, Fiona shows back up with the guy who runs the town. Tommy says he can't go, the guy completely understands, Fiona has mixed feelings. It is heartbreaking to watch the fog form around Brigadoon as Fiona receeds in to the distance and Tommy barely wills himself to take a small step forward back into his reality.

There is a jarring, top down view of NYC. Then a zoom in of lights and buildings as we join just Jerry in a crowded, loud and large bar. Extras upon extras are crammed in there. Each descision made by Minnelli in this scene is so smart and in such stark contrast to Brigadoon. We get the feeling it is some months later. The camera stays on Jerry alone in the crowded bar just long enough for the audience to believe that maybe Tommy stayed. The first time we see him, I was admittedly, a bit gutted. Tommy mentions to Jerry that he can't stop thinking about Fiona and all these little things in his everyday life trigger it. Even for those of us who aren't in fantastical situations, that is so deeply relatable.

Tommy meets up with his fiance and she is discussing real estate. There is nothing wrong with her, she seems perfectly nice, but there is no spark. Sentences she says trigger songs from earlier in the musical. Tommy is lost in a memory. He calls the wedding off and phones Jerry and they agree to go back to Scotland.

In Scotland, they are sitting where they sat at the beginning of the film. Tommy says he wanted to go there, even though he knew it was impossible to see Brigadoon again. He said he had to see how impossible it was, to just get it out of his system. But the village appears. The guy who runs the town greets them at the same bridge and tells them that being in love can bring miracles. Tommy finds Fiona and I guess Jerry is also there, cause what did he have going on back at home?