levitate

Even though they hadn't ever been the type to shower each other with praises and reminders of their love for one another, they'd showed it in different ways. She'd done it by supporting him and he'd always been there, choosing her over anyone else in his life. There was never any confusion about how much he cared about her which was perhaps why she'd allowed herself to give into the illusion that maybe he cared about her more than she would have initially thought. "I've always known that you cared about me. That was never a question." She cleared her throat and pushed some hair behind her ear, hating that they'd chosen this moment to do this. She wasn't prepared in the slightest. The dress she wore did little to shield her from the wind and clung to her skin a little too much that it felt comfortable, especially not in the middle of a parking lot. It was meant to be something attractive that was better suited in a dark room than under these neon streetlights. But the was soon forgotten at the confession she'd never heard before. A crush. On her? The idea that someone like him could like her, genuinely, felt almost hilarious. Especially after watching the most beautiful women fawn after him. The likes of Caden, the singer, could have anyone he wanted but perhaps that was why he'd had a crush when they were children and it had fizzled out with time. "I think that's normal for friends to have." She cleared her throat and peered in his direction. "People picked up on these things and they weren't wrong when they said things when we were kids." Some were absurd like whether or not they'd get married, but others were on the money when people asked if they liked each other.

Her eyes rolled when he took her words and twisted them. She'd said them, she knew that, but it wasn't meant to be taken like that. If anything, it was a pathetic jab that she could give him. Cheap. "You didn't ask me to follow you. I chose to do so because they were good moves for me and because I wanted to." Sure, he was the one constant in her life that made her feel alive and more like herself than anyone else. I came here thinking that maybe.... I don't know what I thought. I guess I was confused and maybe wondered that it meant something that it didn't. It's not because of you— at least not entirely. I also stayed for over a year despite you so you can't take all the blame for that." As for her career, that was just a consequence of her decisions. "Sometimes I think that I stopped the second I found something I was remotely good at." She'd enjoyed following him around and taking pictures, getting a good profit on selling them. "But you don't get to take all the credit that I've just been following you and living vicariously through you. That's not fair. My life was better because of you." Her eyes darted downwards to her feet, hugging herself before she let out a sigh. "You weren't always meant to crash and burn. People crash and burn— it's the way that you rebuild from that." Beyond whatever lingered between them, Andrea didn't want him to think of himself as a fuck up even though she knew that was an internal battle he'd had for so long. "I said half the shit I did because I was mad and hurt. I don't hate you or think you're a coward. If anything, we both have been." No matter everything, the pain, hurt, hard feelings— he was still someone she loved and cared about. Those things didn't immediately disappear and she couldn't bring herself to let him think so low of himself. "I was mad because I couldn't talk to you about it and without knowing what you were thinking, I had to make up half of the narrative in my mind. But I get it, I didn't make myself any more accessible than you did." Her throat cleaned, moving to lean back upon the front of a truck now. "But you might be right. This whole town, it's too small to be living in it tiptoeing around each other." It was too painful. Perhaps it was time she look at other options outside of their hometown.

Of course he had a terrible way of showing from basically ghosting her after that night. Caden sighed, slightly turning his head and looked at her. She at least deserved to know he was being sincere with his next words. The truth often can be found in one's eyes. "It wasn't nothing." For now that was all he could voice out. Or wanted to - he wasn't so sure which was the most rational in the present in that moment. However he did nod at her validation - that she knew he cared. Hearing it out loud was a relief but he made him recoil internally knowing that was a common theme. His inability to voice stuff out in the open, even if it didn't need to be said. Sometimes it was a nice change at least on the receiving end. Maybe not the best at words - Caden was far from oblivious. Especially when it came to the other. Time was a teacher and he quickly picked up on certain mannerisms. So, without a second thought - he shrugged off the Levi's Denim jacket he currently had been wearing and motioned it forward for her to take if she saw fit. It probably would drape over her but perhaps it would make her feel more comfortable in the current setting they were in. "If it smells like smoke, I'm sorry in advance." Though, in the back of Caden's mind he probably should have apologized for something else first. "Was it normal for you?" He asked before he could stop the words coming from his own mouth. Almost clearing his throat too. "But yeah, people are always going to assume with how attached we were." Those kind of opinions never phased Caden. It wasn't something he felt he needed to prove otherwise just for the sake of it. He was secure enough in their dynamic that her opinion was the only one that really mattered.

"But I was probably some invisible nudge. I don't know, I just don't want you to look back and have that as a regret or something." Because clearly she ended up coming back to Deer Valley. Like he had. And they both were so set on never returning. They were way bigger than this town. Always had been. There it was again - guilt. It followed him like a shadow. Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not. "But you're passionate about what you do right?" His tone had subtle signs of concern. Passion kept the spark alive. Most jobs didn't have that. Or people were too afraid to go after their dreams just for the sake of some soft cushion to land. Because it was easy. He wondered what she would have done or what direction she would have taken for something that she thought she might not be good at. "As corny as it sounds - I'm not sure there's anything I really recall that you're bad at if it means anything." The next set of words she uttered made him stop breathing for a second. Her life was better with him. That had been the opposite cognitive approach he held for himself. Even to the distant past - with him making a decision to leave Deer Valley. To the time the news about cancer with his Mother. To the hardships of the ranch being sold. Caden didn't budge and didn't try to do something for those moments of hardships and despair. The common denominator was he couldn't fix things. He probably would have made things worse so he stayed far away. But hearing it from her, that reassurance even if she hadn't meant the severity - it soothed all the doubts, all his issues with self worth that he kept hidden. "I'm not so sure rebuilding is being a bouncer in the town that I quite sprinted from all those ages ago." He wanted to scoff but he didn't. But that was his to bare. "Still think you should just let me take the blame. It's alright, this may have been the most we have talked but my ego isn't that inflated. I know I should have handled it better." Instead of letting his own insecurities take the reigns. "So, what do we do now? Clearly, my track record with ideas and what I think is right are all like a dumpster fire. I'm open to suggestions."

There was something in the spring air today — light, deceitful breeze, luring him into believing that spring was really here. But colorado had always been fickle, unfortunately. It might trick him another two or three times before spring can come in proper, and by that time, summer heat would be making itself known, drying up any semblance of so called april showers. He was a real outdoorsy guy, so he'd enjoy the weather in any form she came, but he had a preference to not sweat just for the sake of summer heat. So, he had decided to seize the day as best he could — which, ideally would have brought him to the farmer's market, or even playing ball down at the court — but by tempting fate, he found himself narrowly escaping the rain in ruby's diner, shaking off his hat and a little thankful he had opted for a hoodie regardless of the clear skies he had been promised.

“Some storm, huh?” He asked, sliding into the empty seat at the diner's bar. Whether to the person next to him or the wait staff, he didn't mind. He flipped up the mug in front of his seating area and huffed, “You know it said overcast with zero percent chance, right?” But, ever the optimist, he shrugged off the mild, damp discomfort of the rain on his hoodie. “Hope you didn't walk here.” The teacher threw a thumb toward the door so the other would catch his meaning. “Cuz I'd say we're screwed on that front.” Marcus had to laugh, right? Or else, god, what if he cried? Or worse, noticed the mud stains on his new kicks? 

location: literally anywhere. pick your own adventure!

Small talk was something Emery detested more than most things — and truthfully, it would be easier to ask her what she did like. It's why she liked her shifts with Koa, They were silent for the most part, except for alerting the other of what they were about to do to a car or if they needed assistance, with loud music blasting in the background. It was her kind of life, numbing the fact that all earthly desires were best saved for the younger zhao clan, and she should just be happy there was a roof over her head. It's about closing, when she finally pulls herself from her isolation, knowing full well they'd probably both be working over time to get some big wig's Cadillac done before his stay at the w was up. “Hungry?” She asked, wiping her hands with a cloth as she approached her coworker, though it's unknown if she's heard over the 80's rock killing both their eardrums — her choice. “Ya still alive, Hansen?” Emery tried again, letting out an irritated sigh, but it's really at the fact that her stomach's growling, not at him, but she'll make no attempt to clarify.

“Do they got doordash out here?” The musing is said in the air, but mostly to herself as dug her phone out of her coveralls. It's a blessed moment to find no notifications of missed calls, texts, or facetimes from her rugrat siblings, and also a curse. What the hell were they up to if they weren't bothering her? “I'm craving something deep fried. Or salty. Maybe a milkshake too. Ya staying over?” When Ruby's Diner appears on her app, a rare smirk graced her features. “Think it would be easier to go pick it up?” It's definitely be cheaper, but Emery also knew if she sat down in her car and had to come back to work before she'd had a good night sleep, there was a fair chance she'd scream. “Uh — shit, my bad. What do you want?” It's an after thought, a hamfisted apology masqueraded as forgetfulness. Emery was used to leading the charge at home and so, she kind of just expected that to be her position in every situation. Did Koa even like Ruby's? Guess she'd find out. 

"Not sure, imagine the fee's probably cost more than the meal." He paused though as she listed off what she was thinking about ordering. "Well, maybe not with that order." A small smile surfaced. He could eat. Especially with the work they were putting in -sometimes food was put on the back burner. Personally, he had consumed enough energy drinks in it's place. It didn't really tie him over but it kept him energized enough that he wasn't hit with the whole hangry mentality. "Define easier - because are we both going to actually come back and finish the job once we leave this place?" Ultimately, he assumed that it was just best to get the food delivered. At least for the sake of their work ethic. "You may be on to something - A burger and a chocolate peanut butter shake sound heavenly right now. Unless you're like allergic to nuts or something? I wouldn't want some kind of weird contamination and who knows if that stuff can be airborne?" There was some rambling but in the end, Koa was a caring person to the one's whose company he didn't mind. "I'll pay if you ask the customer why did the car die on the highway? Obviously because it went to Cadillac arrest." He chuckled at the off chance she would. "I'm kind of kidding. But yeah I am totally down for some Doordash."

"I spent our whole time in Nashville being labelled as everything and anything. From the tabloids, from your fans, the girls that you hooked up with. I wasn't ashamed." Not when people made up that they hooked up, or when they actually had. Many of the times there were pictures of them on a magazine, it was all lies. The difference was that it was now her family and friends speculating. "It didn't matter because we knew the truth." She stopped to look at him, angling her body in his direction despite not being able to keep her attention on him for very long. "I could come talk to you about that shit but when it happened, you were no where to be found." It was hard to know that he was the only person who could settle her nerves on any given day while also being the one person that she couldn't actually reach out to. It had fucked her up more than she was willing to admit. "The fucking worse of it is that I followed you back here and I don't even know why. For what, to be ignored for the whole year because you regretted it?" Despite itching to run away or for the ground to open up and swallow her whole, she couldn't move an inch. Worse than not having any control over her limbs was the lack of control she had over her mouth as words continued to spill. All the confessions she hadn't dared admit aloud.

"I have watched you fuck girls and then talk to them when they'd come to your concert, for meet and greets, or when you ran into them at a bar. You never had any issue." Her gaze shifted to something in the distance. "It shouldn't have ever happened. It clearly was the stupidest thing that we've ever done and I would take it back if I could." At least to avoid all of this, even to avoid this singular moment and conversation they were having right now. "But we can't take it back and I don't know where to go from here." Maybe this was it. At least they could agree to function in this town together without jumping down each others throat. What she wanted was for him to fight or tell her that he'd missed her but she didn't want to hold her breath on that desire. A year was long to miss someone without reaching out to them and she could never tell if he cared or not whenever they ran across each other. He had always been better at writing songs than saying words— and she'd long since stopped listening to his music.

Each word cut deeper than the last. All Caden could think was how much of a selfish prick he was. He never took her for granted, but he was coming to the realization of all the bad shit her hand was forced into due to the popularity he had rose into back then. Maybe, it was his karma for his career to have burnt out . In that moment - It was like his life was a home movie and he was in the front row of a guilt show that he had been absent from. She had sacrificed so much for him. And he couldn't give her the decency to just have one conversation. "You can say it. I'm a coward. Or whatever you think is fitting. I'm sure I couldn't disagree with you even if I tried." His words were almost submissive. In that moment, she could call him every foul thing in the book and he would just take it. But that wasn't them, that wasn't what they did. Even if he was a royal fuck up. He managed to look up more clearly with the one word she spoke. Regret. "I don't." The two words came easy but he could already feel his throat tighten. "I didn't regret it. I just --" Caden shook his head as if that would jumble his brain to just stop. Forcing him to give her at least something, instead of the space and silence he had been giving her. "The consequences after .." His words were essentially coming in pieces. He was definitely judging himself for it but writing things out in one of his notebooks were way easier than actually forming the right words and speaking them out loud to express what had been going on in his mind. "I was scared. I wasn't ready for the possibility that I ruined us. You must know how important you are to me. I--- fuck." Caden shook his head from side to side. This wasn't easy for him but he powered through it. "I am sure I never said it enough. But I don't know where I would be without you." She gave him strength and consistency. And the biggest one of all is she accepted him blindly.

Life will let you get away with something for a while, but sooner or later, you will pay the price. Everything you do in life causes the effects that you experience. When you get the bill, be prepared to pay. And this was his time. "I never had any issue because they were just a fun time. A distraction, most of them just like the idea of it. The rush of an one night stand with a singer." It was a fantasy for some. Everyone had needs and got lonely at times. "We can't take it back." There was an agreement but something lingered or maybe there was a shift for Caden in that moment. I don't know where to go from here. This is what he fought so hard against. Delaying the inevitable and with a sentence like that - he could only assume what was going to come next. The end right? And immediately Caden felt that time was passing like a hand waving from a train he wanted to be on. So, he didn't think - he didn't try to put pressure on himself on what sounded right or correct. He just spoke. "You know, growing up - when we were just kids I had a small crush on you. I never told because you were way out of my league. Even then. And that was okay. I got over it because I knew you were destined for great things and I was just happy to be a friend. Honored really. You want to bring up all the women who I have entertained with no issues but let's face it you have more passion and heart in your pinky finger than all of them combined probably. Just as I was a little chicken shit to tell you of a childhood crush I had, the concept is still relevant. Because deep down, I can see past my own bullshit and know that I am not on the same level. And recently, it just seems like I have held you back. Like you said - you have followed me endlessly. No one would have done that. Only you. You were the only exception and I am sorry for that. I don't regret what happened with us sleeping together but I regret maybe not putting my foot down ages before - you could have been some hot shot photographer even without Nashville. I was always bound to crash and burn. I wish for once you would follow yourself, your dreams and not let me hold you back because it fucking seems like that has been a trend here."

While she should have been happy that he was taking some accountability, she couldn't focus on anything other than the admission of there being reasons that he so casually skipped over. "What reasons? You don't want to pretend so how about you just get it over with." This wasn't the place, certainly not while surrounded by people who were eager to start their nights with a drink but she was anchored in place now that she was within reach of getting some sort of answers to the questions she'd had for months. "I never had excuses. You put space and that was all I needed to know to keep my own distance." It was a cop out but the humiliation had torn away at her. She'd watched him casually sleep with people throughout their entire friendship with no issue— noted the string of women who came and went and how everything had shifted when it came to her. She half expected him to run when the opportunity came, and maybe she hoped he would, but panic began to set in when he stubbornly stood his ground. She shifted closer, if only to push him further into the space that provided them some kind of privacy from the crowd that was now being dealt with by his coworker. "Don't give me that shit." Her finger pointed at him. "I've seen you at your worst and stuck around, helped you, followed you in places many wouldn't have. If someone left, you did." The intensity of her own words and emotions made it hard to keep herself in control, feeling tears of frustration begin pricking her eyes. "I'm not doing this here." Rather than head inside, she began to step towards the exit.

He paused, sighing like it would bring him some sort of clarity. The elephant in the room. Caden knew being vague wouldn't go unnoticed. But he wasn't sure he was ready to have this conversation. "Does it matter now? What's done is done." More so deflecting, but also sitting with the uncomfortable truth. Going down this rabbit hole just seemed like another waste of both of their times. Too much time had passed. He couldn't possibly redeem himself. At least that was what his mind was screaming at him. Demeaning behavior from his own personal demons. She was right, but that wasn't surprising. She often was and her rebuttal was all facts. He never questioned how much she did for him, even if his comment earlier appeared otherwise. He had just felt backed into a corner and was trying to get the heat off his own self. She was his light at the end of the tunnel. And throughout the years, there were times where it was pitch black for the male. But every time she was there. He relied on her too much and it wasn't like he didn't mirror it because he did. It wasn't a competition but she probably would have won though given the circumstances - he had more demons and battles than most. And she didn't falter, not even for a second. And yet he did. Creating space as his own means of thinking he was doing the right thing. Like he was sheltering her from something, from him.

"Maybe all I am is just the bad guy." His words were eerily soft. It was like he stepped back from being poked. Now -Defeated. Tired. She probably could see past his bullshit anyways so he found himself just following. Away from the crowd, or at least enough distance away. "Truth be told I am good at running. We had a moment. Maybe I crossed a line - we went all those years without those lines being crossed or blurred." He sighed again, not entirely looking at her. Not sure he was capable of such while he was being vulnerable. Words were not his strong suit but he didn't expect to get a chance or situation like this again and he didn't want have that as a regret. Or to have her think he was doing his usual routine of running when shit started to hit the fan. "And I knew that things would change. It was inevitable and no matter what I would just end up fucking things up more. You deserved better. You deserve more." With each word that passed his lips, the more he was being pushed to just get out of there like he was as bat outta hell. But he stood grounded with all his might. "Even if it was a slow burn with delaying it, it sure beat just pulling the plug abruptly. Cause I don't have that shit in me. And if that makes me a coward, so be it."

if  there  was  one  thing  caden  seemed  to  know  about  him  after  all  these  years  ,  it  was  this.  jesse  always  had  a  gun  within  reach.  living  out  near  the  mountains  ,  working  them  ,  crossing  their  ridges  day  in  and  day  out.  he'd  learned  to  stay  wary  of  anything  that  wandered  too  close.  animals  ,  mostly.

thankfully  for  both  of  them  ,  he'd  heard  his  brother's  truck  rattling  down  the  dirt  drive  long  before  it  came  fully  into  view.

jesse  stood  on  the  porch  ,  one  shoulder  pressed  against  the  beam  ,  watching  in  silence  as  the  truck  approached.  his  gaze  lingered  on  caden  for  a  moment  ,  then  shifted  to  the  bed  of  the  truck  and  the  spoken goods  it  carried.  ❝  better  not  be  any  of  that fuckin'  hipster  beer  ,  ❞  he  called  out  ,  the  edge  in  his  voice  dulled  just  enough  to  pass  for  something  almost  familiar.  ❝  got  a  spot  out  back  that'll  work.  ❞

"Good to know you still have standards." War changed people. But he knew better to ask about those kinds of things. Those things one didn't share much, just something that walked alongside the person in question. Like a shadow that no one saw. "Will Budweiser do?" Another white flag, or maybe Caden just needed the verification that this was okay still. "There's probably some Jack somewhere in the truck too. I really need to clean that damn thing." The latter more so uttered to his self. Priorities and at the end of the day, he wasn't trying to impress anyone. Especially now that his last resort had him moving back to the one place he thought he had managed to break free from.

location: ashford stables or lacey's home

"But we both know fessing up and stepping up to the plate hasn't ever been something you're good at." Cheap shots weren't something they'd ever done to each other but frustration was reaching its limit and after so long of not speaking to him, all her unspoken words were bubbling beneath the surface. "So run off, it's what you're good at." She sidestepped to leave him room to walk.

The coldness was unexpected. It was like he was being stabbed. He should have just let it go. She was hurt. He was too but instead of giving her some leeway - Caden was more overpowered by the feeling of being poked so he had to match that energy. "There you go pretending again. This isn't all on me - hell, this is probably the most we have spoke back and forth in a year. I can acknowledge I created some space, but I had my reasons. What's your excuse?" He remarked back, mirroring the tone she had previously presented. Upon realizing this could escalate rather quickly, Caden had enough common sense to just shut up and listen to her. But unfortunately his pride was bruised at her last comment and instead of walking away to defuse the hostility - he chose not to. But there was a relief when he saw his reliever. At least he didn't have to be on the clock while this conversation happened. He moved but not to cower away. Just away from the front of the line to get into the Barn. Immediately, crossing his arms in pure stubbornness though. "Seems like you have been harboring all these negative feelings about me and who I am. If that's truly the case - then why stick around so long huh? You're only as good as your friends are right? So, if am not good enough - go be with your friends. Sure you all can have a good laugh after all of this."

"I know we don't talk much, but didn't think this was your kind of crowd. Didn't expect you to have changed this drastically." Maybe this was a case of desperate times called for desperate measures. Nonetheless - Caden knew he had been gone for a long time since his return, crazier things had happened. "Guess the only good thing is you still are having a shitty time pronouncing those words. Think if the day were to come where you can say it so normal that it rolls off the tongue like butter is the day you should invest in a lobotomy." He rose a brow at his brother's explanation. "And you decided to start here? Must be a special someone for you to start here."

SOMETIMES,   whenever   they   allowed   themselves   to   have   some   sort   of   conversation   in   between   blocked   and   ducked   punches,   Aeri   found   out   more   and   more   about   the   man   who   had   been   part   of   her   best   friend’s   family   for   a   while.   It   somehow   gave   her   the   impression   that   most,   if   not   all,   Ashford   men   carried   their   broodiness   like   an   armor,   sheltering   them   from   whoever   tried   to   come   close.   ❝   Look   at   you   giving   me   love   advice.   ❞   There   was   enough   humor   in   her   voice   to   keep   the   conversation   easy   and   light   as   she   started   walking   alongside   him.   ❝   Next   thing   I   know,   you’ll   try   to   convince   me   you   don’t   hate   getting   cute   notes   from   a   secret   admirer   or   something.   ❞   Not   that   she   had   done   that   since   maybe   middle   school,   but   the   easier   this   conversation   got,   the   less   she   would   complain   about   both   joining   in   this   hike   and   being   left   behind.   ❝   Sour   candy,   that’s   for   sure.   While   I   do   love   chocolate,   I   think   I’m   more   into   things   made   of   chocolate   than   chocolate   candy.   ❞   Aeri   mused   as   she   pulled   some   hairpins   from   inside   her   jacket’s   front   pockets   and   proceeded   to   run   her   fingers   along   her   short   strands   in   order   to   pin   the   dark   waves   up.   ❝   How   long   has   it   been   since   you’ve   last   gone   on   this   hike,   Captain   Planet?   Or   is   it   your   first   time?   ❞