I could’t tell you the last time I’ve been on here. But I could always tell you the outlet that tumblr always randomly had for me. Like today, I’m writing this here as a release. I know it won’t be seen. But this year has been fucking hard. Really really fucking hard. Im sitting in my room right now, and realized I was starting to cry. But can’t figure out why. Our season just abruptly ended last night, after hours and hours of tireless work. You think I would be happy, right? You know, got some drinks with co-wokers last night, enjoyed being out for a minute. But now I’m here and I almost feel stuck. What the fuck do I do now? My body’s tired. My mind is tired. So I would love to chill the fuck out. But what good does that do me. I don’t if I make the expectations too high for myself, or need to give myself a good boot in the ass to get it together. My friends haven’t spoken to me, really, in months - unless I send them something. Even then, I feel like I did something for them to scrape me out. But I could’t have done anything. I literally have done nothing the last 8 months but work and quarantine. What the fuck have I done to lose the people I’ve lost? Have I lost them? Or am I just fucking nuts? I think I am a little nuts at this point. I’m nuts, depressed, fucking confused....fucking tired man. I’m so tired. So fucking tired I wouldn’t mind laying down and throwing my hands up. But everyone’s tired - I get that it’s not only me. This year has challenged everyone in one way or another. And no one should ever feel like they need to hide or act like what they’ve gone through wasn’t hard. I feel like that’s what I have to do, hide that these last 8 months haven't been hard. But duuuuude, its been fucking hell for me. Just because I work in a more ‘glamorous’ profession, doesn't mean it doesnt fucking suck and drain you of any good energy you had. I feel like I can’t talk about it, and if I do....they’ll just judge, or go off to someone else to say how I need to stfu. I almost sent all my friends back home, some positive cards just to lift some spirits - literally of the blue because I wanted to bring some light. But I stopped and told myself not to, because I know by now that I’ll get nothing in return. Should I have done it anyway? It shouldn't matter what I get in return if it is out of the good of my heart. But I also know, I need to maybe be selfish and not waste my money on time on those who never spend it on me. I have no idea at this point what I’m thinking is real, or if I’m over analyzing the fuck out of everything. Either way, I just want my best friends back. I need them. I need myself. I need to feel something. Thx tumblr for still being the designated dump my feelings out spot. Appreciate ya.
jacobvanloon
dededos
dailybridgerton
baratheonpilled
