Seeing the look shift in Chrisâs eye and listening intently to every word he said, Sammy felt that guilt bloom in his chest. He wasnât exactly the easiest person to date or even just get along with but Chris had put up with a lot these first few months of there relationship. Heâd put up with too much. Sammy asked for too much. God, he knew that. He just hadnât known how much this had all impacted Chris. Sammy wanted so much to tell him that this was never gonna happen again but he couldnât manage it. He had no idea where his job would take him.
Swallowing, Sammy shook his head slowly. âChris, Iâd let my family tare me apart before they got to you and if you went after them, I do the same. Not that I think youâd go after them.â He clarified. âThere wouldnât be any choosing.â He mumbled. That wasnât a choice he was willing to make. Fuck, if it came down to it heâd probably just shoot himself in the head because choosing between Chris and his family was like choosing between not eating or not drinking. In the end heâd die no matter what. âAnd If I fall because of you Iâd be happy to do it. Okay? Downfall or whatever youâre scared of, I am not scared. Mânot scared because I got you.â He promised. âRight now. Mânot the controller of all things, I donât know about tomorrow but right now, I got you. You got me.â He ranted a bit as he held Chrisâs face between his hands.
Sammy tipped his head to the side a bit and listened to Chris speak. he could feel his boyfriendâs pain. Sence the raw tang in his voice. God he looked so broken. He slipped forwards and wrapped his arms around Chrisâs shoulders in a tight hug as his voice broke off. âIâll be more careful,â Sammy mumbled in Chrisâs ear as he stroked the back of his head slowly. âIâll be more careful, Chris, I promise. Okay? I promise.â He mumbled again feeling his own throat tighten suddenly. He hated seeing Chris in pain. This was just- Well, it was heartbreaking. âWorlds a big fuckinâ scary place, dangerous but Iâll do what I can to be safe-er, okay?â Sammy asked pulling back to look at Chris again.Â
His brow furrowed for a moment as his chest suddenly tightened. A thought pushed through the rest and made Sammyâs heartbeat kick up. âIf this is too much, Chris,â Sammy got in a wobbly voice. âIf itâs hurting you more than-than you can take. Iâd get it if you didnât wanna keep seeing me. I- Itâs not like- Iâd get it.â Sammy managed to the words out although his own eyes grew watery with the idea of losing Chris. First his father, then his mother, then Amelia, and now Chris? He couldnât stand it but he would if Chris needed him too.Â
Such words were so easy to say, but Chris couldnât ask him to make a big sacrifice this way. If it ever came down to it, Chris would never be able to go after Sammy, or his family for that matter. Just because of how involved he was with each and every one of them. But when it came down to it, wouldnât family be chosen? What if they became enemies? What if he got killed next time? The thoughts that ran through his mind were the repetitive ones, the ones he couldnât stop thinking about no matter how many times Sammy sat there to tell him that he would always be here , that heâd go down for him rather than go against him.Â
âYou just have to promise me one thing Sammy, you cannot die on me. No matter what. If you know that whatever it is youâre about to do is going to get you killed or arrested, then you have to drop it and run and I mean run.â Was it moralistic for an officer to advise someone that had trouble with the law often to run if it ever got bad? Or even ethical for that matter? No. But Chris didnât give a shit. He didnât know the details of what his family was capable of aside from what the citizens knew.Â
How was he not afraid when every part of Chris felt nothing but fear. The fear of losing him, the fear of being the one to make the worst happen. How was he so calm about this? Chris wished there was more he could do than just stay safe because he wanted to make sure nothing touched him. Ever. He savored this moment, with the way the man held him, caressing his head, whispering words into his ear that should ease him. And all Chris could do was hold him tighter;Â
His next set of words suddenly caused an internal panic attack, just at the thought of ending things? Fuck no. Chris pulled back almost instantly just to be able to look at him. âDonât you dare-â he started before the other could even finish the damn thought that crossed his mind. âIf I didnât want this, I wouldnât be sitting here, you and I would have ended long ago. So donât you fucking dare.â he warned before pulling the man in close, just to be able to lean his forehead against the others. âI love you.â he whispered, eyes closed just enough to hold back the tears that threatened to pour out. âDonât you dare.â he repeated before pulling away just a bit. âJust promise me that youâre going to stay safe, that if you had to choose between saving yourself and something else that might seem priceless, you will choose yourself. No matter what it takes.â illegal or not, Chris knew his words could never be taken back, but heâd rather have him here than dead.