Always and Forever Raisa

A counselor in my early youth ever said: Just because a person's no more in this world, doesn't mean I should stop 'speaking' to them.

They no more hear indeed. And it's no more about them, but us who still breathe.

When we speak, we simply let our unreleased emotions flow.

So…please.

Speak to them. Write to them.

In addition, sing to God with desperate spiritual song you can find.

And of course, do not stop crying.

Grieving journey is a marathon.

So...please.

Mereka tidak akan pernah mengerti bagaimana rasanya hanya diam di ruangan yang sudah lama diri ini tinggali dan tetap merasa terlalu penuh tetap merasa sesak, tetap merasa tidak cukup.

Mereka tidak akan pernah mengerti kalau diri ini mudah sekali teralihkan, mudah sekali kuatir, mudah sekali bosan, mudah sekali kecewa.

Di saat yang sama, mereka tidak akan pernah mengerti kalau diri ini sudah berupaya sedemikian rupa agar tidak terlalu merasa. Masalahnya tidak bisa, karena itu kelebihan sekaligus kekurangannya.

Mereka tidak akan pernah tahu rasanya pulang dari ruangan itu dan entah mengapa harus segera menghibur diri, menarik dan membuang napas dalam-dalam, sembari mengingatkan diri bahwa diri ini baik-baik saja, tidak kehilangan apapun, bahkan tidak diserang oleh apapun.

Mereka tidak akan pernah mengerti, rasanya duduk diam di tempat yang terlalu dingin dan terlalu bising, bahkan terlalu terang menurut diri ini. Diri ini tidak membenci orang-orang di ruangan itu. Diri ini hanya terlalu berbeda, terlalu perasa. Diri ini tidak ingin menggunakan kata seperti "sensitif". Kata itu sudah terlalu banyak disalahgunakan.

Mereka tidak akan pernah tahu, akhir-akhir ini, ada sesuatu yang membuat sesak di dada yang membuat diri ini perlu cepat-cepat mengeluarkannya. Takut takut, jika ditahan, entah air mata, atau sebaliknya, kehampaan yang akan menguasainya.

Mereka tidak akan pernah tahu, diri ini sangat tersiksa akhir-akhir ini. Dan diri ini merasa sangat bersalah karena sepertinya orang lain, apabila menghadapi hal yang sama, tidak akan mengalami apa-apa.

Namun tetap, diri ini merasa. Dan diri ini sadar, ini bukan sekadar "rasa", namun fakta.

It’s not a surprise for my besties that I’ve been a fan of manga and anime since childhood (I’ll be 30 this March by the way!)

This morning, I reread one of the greatest shoujo (intended to be read by young girls) manga ever in my teenage years. It’s Ouran Koukou Host Club (do check it! It’s full of social and psychological daily cases wrapped up in a beautiful slow-paced romance yet such absolute comedy)

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Rereading and rewatching are always my two favorite things. Somehow, new perspective is applied because I’m now an adult. Things I didn’t realize were there now are seen clearer than ever, as the chapter I read just now.

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Last year, someone I truly adore voluntarily gave me advice I couldn’t accept. It wasn’t an obvious advice, actually. He began by saying that men tend to like a woman who wants to be helped. They are not accustomed dealing with independent ones. Well, that time I could only grin. I guess that’s my way to show that I was trying my best to accept his point of view while at the same time realizing he doesn’t want to understand my position right now (and it’s okay because he’s no more available tho).

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Rereading Ouran Chapter 8-9 was surely eye-opening. I never realized there’s such deep meaning behind the scenes when the female character is scolded by one of the male characters there after she did a reckless thing. I assume this might be “the men’s expectation”: to have their opposite sex ask for help. However, as the chapter went to its end, a certain condition revealed that this young girl has no intention to be reckless at all. She’s just accustomed of taking care of herself all her life. Well, being the only child of the motherless family is enough to explain “the why”, I guess.

And realizing her male friends’ point of view that the reason their friend was angry wasn’t simply because of nothing but worry, it truly made me realize, that an independent women found it deeply hard to know that some people truly love them and are of course capable enough to care about them.

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I honestly admit that it’s soothing my soul witnessing how the boy in the story that was once angry came to understanding about the girl’s reasoning, as if I was the one being understood.

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Finishing these chapters has given me new perspective I once didn’t find when I was a teenage girl years ago reading the same story. I can relate to what the female character did in this chapter, because whole my life, despite having been supported financially during the school years, as one of children of a single mother, I know I’ve been taking care of myself alone.

Somehow, Chapter 9 especially reminded me that a man that loves me will try to see my doing through my reasoning, that I don’t have to lower my standard only to find a typical guy that desires to apply his manly sides while not respecting my whole being as a woman having no choice but to be independent all her life. I hope there’s someone humble enough to see my independence as a strong trait, not a weakness :)

How should I be loved?

Or maybe I the better question is: How do I want to be loved?

I think it’s a hard question. I think I can’t ask people to do things for my own personal benefit.

I think I am well aware that what I want about love is too demanding. I know my past has huge contribution to build my expectation. And therefore, I tend to think that what I want in case of being loved is far too hard to meet.

However, this is just a question to answer. Why should I bother answering it? I’ll just have to spill them all. Simply being my vulnerable self.

So, how do I really want to be loved?

I guess, I feel loved when people get to know what I’m currently busy at. I feel loved when someone asks the question without any intention to correct anything first. I feel loved when someone listens to my long story first before he/she comments about how I lead my life all this time.

I guess, I feel loved when people ask about my feeling living this life. That it’s hard to be me. It’s not as simple as people might see. Single. Civil servant. Living in a big city. I hope someone can see me more than any attribute I’m having right now. Someone that’s interested enough to know that this self consists of so many things: strength, weakness, future, past, quirkiness, security, insecurity. Someone that wants to understand me.

When I’m feeling lonely, to be honest, I tend to think that being embraced by someone, loved in a physical way can sooth my heart. Because to be made realize as soon as possible that someone’s with me during my downs is one thing I usually need.

To be appreciated openly. I think that’s one of the things I’d like to receive. That’s the thing I’m still trying to do the others, too. To appreciate any small thing they do. Because in essence, nothing is not important in this life. Every tiny little part in our work matters to make this world better or worse. So does every tiny little part in our human life.

I wish, love can be applied generally in all fields. Family, relationship, work especially. However, all the feeling I’ve received from the majority of the people from my family and work is not love. It’s pride, or casual love. Mmm…it’s not devotional I guess. Ah…that’s the word I have to use next time. Devotional love.

I still remember how I felt uncertain about the business trip I would have taken last December. It was so far that I saw myself unfit for the task given. While feeling unsure about the project, I was always sure that by God always kindly brings me to my not-comfort zone; the time I don’t want to work, the trip I don’t want to take, the task I don’t want to start, the place I don’t want to be. And it happened again in the moment I thought I would’ve seated on my own desk chair, finishing my own annual reports. What a God.

The night before the trip took place, thanks to Afina, my co-worker who unintentionally promoted this movie, I turned myself in to the cinema and bought one ticket for Frozen II. This song below was one of the movie tracks that represents how mixed my feeling was about my job, my life, and of course...my own self. I felt strengthened after watching the movie. Surely, this movie was God’s personal message for me that everything will be alright despite I now still have no idea about who I am and who I’ll be.

Allow me to present this not-romantic-at-all song.

“Every inch of me is trembling but not from the cold. Something is familiar like a dream I can reach but not quite bold. I can sense you there like a friend I’ve always known. I’m arriving and it feels like I am home.

I have always been a fortress; cold secrets deep inside. You have secrets, too, but you don’t have to hide.

Show yourself! I’m dying to meet you. Show yourself! It’s your turn. Are you the one I’ve been looking for all of my life? Show yourself! I’m ready to learn.

I’ve never felt so certain. All of my life I’ve been torn. But I’m here for a reason. Could it be the reason I was born? I have always been so different. Normal rules did not apply. Is this the day? Are you the way I finally find out why?

Show yourself! I’m no longer trembling. Here I am I’ve come so far. You are the answer I’ve waited for all of my life. Oh, show yourself! Let me see who you are.

Come to me now. Open your door. Don’t make me wait one moment more. Oh, come to me now. Open your door. Don’t make me wait one moment more.

When the north wind meets the sea, there’s a river full of memory. Come, my darling, homeward bound. I am found!

20.49 di Kamar Kost Raisa, Tanah Abang, Jakarta Pusat, Indonesia

Setelah melalui masa-masa yang penuh dengan warna di rumah Diella, akhir bulan Mei lalu saya kembali ke ruang yang luasnya mungkin tidak lebih dari 6,5m persegi ini. Sebelum ‘ditampung’ oleh keluarga setelah dua minggu WFH, rasanya kesendirian itu bukan masalah. Saya menikmatinya. Amat menikmatinya.

Namun sekembalinya saya dari rumah itu, kembali ke ruangan yang bagi beberapa orang sangat sempit ini, saya merasa benar-benar kesepian. Dua minggu pertama dihabiskan dengan penyesuaian diri “menjadi sendiri lagi”. Membeli kebutuhan sendiri. Memberi makan diri sendiri. Memutuskan sendiri. Kesepian sendiri(?) Saya menangis pada suatu malam karena merasa benar-benar tidak berdaya dengan keadaan ini. Sangat tidak nyaman. Apalagi dengan kondisi waktu itu ada benjolan di rahang saya yang belum juga ditemukan apa jenisnya. Tidak berdaya, itu perasaan yang saya ungkapkan berkali-kali ke diri sendiri dan orang lain. Sepetinya itu bukan perasaan, di tahun ini ketidakberdayaan sepertinya merupakan kenyatan, bukan kondisi mental seseorang.

Memasuki bulan kedua melakukan segala sesuatunya sendiri lagi, saya mulai merasakan kehampaan. Segala sesuatu menjadi tidak menarik. Firman Tuhan puji Tuhan menarik, lucunya berbicara dengan Tuhan sendiri terasa begitu tidak menarik. Tidak pernah saya sempatkan secara khusus untuk mengungkapkan isi hati saya selama dua bulan ini. Rasanya engga berbicara dengan-Nya. Entah apa yang terjadi dengan saya.

Kondisi kantor juga sedang lebih memuakkan dari biasanya. Ya, biasanya saja sudah memuakkan. Apalagi ketika pekerjaan-pekerjaan bersifat urjen kembali datang dan saya sudah terlalu sibuk memikirkan bagaimana cara menyelesaikannya, Terlalu fokus kepada seluruh beban pekerjaan yang ditumpahkan, saya lupa kalau ini semua tidak akan benar berjalan tanpa-Nya. Si sombong ini pun diremukkan-Nya pada suatu hari di ruang kantornya. Namun, si sombong ini belum kapok-kapok juga.

Untuk malam ini, lupakanlah sejenak semua beban itu dan izinkan saya merunutkan seluruh hal yang telah saya terima tanpa rasa bersyukur, yang seharusnya tentu saya terima dengan rasa bersyukur karena tidak semua orang diizinkan menerimanya.

I want to be like others. However I can’t.

Others loves to appreciate their own birthday. I want to. However I can’t.

Others loves to send birthday greetings to almost everyone they know. I want to. However I can’t.

I want to be as open as others in their Instagram account. However I can’t.

I want to always be as cheerful as others when they meet their loved ones. However I can’t.

I want to love spending time with my family whole week. However I can’t.

I want to be more extroverted. However I can’t.

It’s not that I don’t want to try them all. I have and found out that I can’t.

I wonder whether being gloomy my signature trait. I still remember what my homeroom teacher stated in my academic report 12 years ago. “Raisa performs really well. However, somehow she often looks gloomy.”

I want to be easily surprised as others are. However I can’t.

I want to be a woman who is adored by many men. However I can’t. I analyze all things. I am easily annoyed. Those make me far from those typical lovable people.

All impossible things above are sometimes tolerable. I can bear not living with them all.

Yet this one coming, I can’t accept if I can’t.

I want to be as forgiving as others. However I can’t.

This trait is killing me, keeping me from all God’s promises. It defies my heart. It brings misery. I can’t be among those whom I hate. However I am always among them. This hurt me. I can’t think clearly. All I want to do is sleeping all day.

No matter how hard they try to approach me, I end up hurting them, with my passive aggressiveness or simply my zero attention.

I wonder...

if it is right to have an honest relationship, where sometimes you can yell or even bark like a dog because you have reached your limit of patience toward your loved ones. I myself for so long time have been holding anger toward many.

This afternoon, I yelled again, to someone I might should have not. I wonder why. Is it because of familiarity we have? If yes, then the question might be: is familiarity good or not?

I wonder!

I don’t consider always being honest might be acceptable. I’ve been witnessing some couples argue too much for whole my life. I can say I can’t stand being near them because it hurts me somehow. However, watching this Japanese drama (well the drama was finally remade and released in 2017 while I’ve also read the manga years ago. It’s Kimi wa Petto; yes the title is that crazy. Some consider the mangaka as a lowly woman fantasizing the most impossible relationship she can ever have. Well, I don’t think I have the rights to comment about her background of writing and drawing the comic. The 2017 version has surprising plot for me personally though. It pushes me to reflect about this honesty thing), I realized that always being okay sounds quite weird, too. It’s definitely unnatural. I won’t be myself. Well well...

During this writing, I come to another realization, the problem might not be about hiding my anger, but focusing on important things to be angry about. Now, it becomes far more difficult.

Finally, I wonder...

while I’ve been so longing to have someone beside me, am I ready to face myself and all these kind of things?