Forever Caregiver Stories

key not working...thanksgiving clothes.

5. Drop the old..

Why am I so scared to tell that im afraid of you. Why am I scared to tell you that I don't want you to know that I think you are lazy and will not be good for me in the future. Why am I scared to tell you that I think living with your parents is holding you back from the great independent person you can be. Why Am I scared to tell you you are better than where you are at and can be doing better things. Why am I scared to tell you I feel if I push you you will break. Why am I scared to tell you that I think you are smarter than what you feel. Why am I scared to tell you I need you to step up and do man stuff for me. Why am I scared to tell you I think you are way behind when it comes to what I need from you. Why am I scared to tell you I wish I met you in ten years so I don't have to deal with you not being here to help. Why am I scared to tell you I wish you are more helpful in doing stuff. Why am I scared to tell you I feel like you are your dad and I don't like that in a few ways. 

Here is a way to make me cry... when I ask for help and I have to explain all the reasons... and expain so much about how much Im hurting. If you don't understand that asking is hard for me and you just go around saying “you don't need my help you can do it” then... I shouldn't have you in my life.  if you don't hear the stress in my voice and you are ignoring what im asking. People want you to succeed but then are in the shadows waiting to benefit and hiding away from putting the effort helping you get there. Don't tell me you will be there for me and then when I say I need help you say why?! and say you are tired... but when you need help with your fucking application and I had a test the next day I just over buildings to help you. When you say you need help with a paper with multiple sections and I type everything for you within in a sec.... 

cant fill the waters in the fridge but you can call my place a shit hole.... Im not asking because you drink the waters Im asking for help....

I wanted to feel happiness with the new sofa and table being delivered with T-bird. I wanted to feel safe with strangers coming in. I wanted to be happy about everything. BUT TBird didn't show up. He was working and wanted to rest up and nap and eat. The thing is that he didn't communicate. He told the delivery coordinator he wanted a date so he could show up. The day of the delivery he asked when the sofa is coming, which i replied with 12-4. He said okay. He didn't say he was coming but I guess with the delivery coordinator and him asking me when they were showing up I assumed he was goin go to be here. NEVER ASSUME it gets you in trouble. He didn't show and I was upset because i had this picture in my mind... of us being a couple and looking at the furniture that we picked out and just being happy. I called and said where are you and he said im laying down. It hurt hearing that because I felt so alone and disappointed. I was angry he didn't communicate anything and more angry because the night before he went to work and right after went to the spurs game like nothing. but when it comes to me I felt like he just doesn't want to take care of me and be here. Of course we get into a big argument and he doesn't think he communicated wrong because “Im not the type of person to tell you what im doing” he says. It gets ugly I say “you dont care about me and you dont do anything for me”.... He apologized with “Im sorry miss princess” and rolled his eyes.. and made it seem like im bad one for expressing how I felt.... He then said well you have ActiveBoy but you have no control over him and laughed.. which is just hurt full because ActiveBoy will protect me but thats not his job.. Thats my future husbands job in my eyes...

I make myself feel little asking permission to sign up ActiveBoy for camp. I think I do this so I can feel big when it becomes a problem in the summer time when ActiveBoy attends. Who I’m I asking permission from... TBird. It’s more so he knows ahead of time and he knows why. I love when ActiveBoy is in something one because it makes him happy, two because I dont have to worry about where he is at and three because I NEED A BREAK. Im in school all day 8-5 and then I go home and study and I have to feed ActiveBoy, my dog and get everything in order... Study .. go to bed and do it all over. Im maintaining a home and giving up so much to school. The original plan was to have ActiveBoy in a job but he cant because he has to wait until he has a clear record and get a car! It upsets me because TBird thinks he needs to work and I do to but... I dont want that stress of picking him up and droping him off. AND I KNOW FOR SURE TBIRD WILL NOT HELP WHAT SO EVER.

When i started this semester i was in tears. I was not happy about the online switch again... i just dont do good online. T-bird wiped my tears and said it will be okay and then bought me a new desktop... then the first week he bought me beautiful flowers (my university's colors) and said good luck. .. wow maybe i can do it lol

Red flags... I learned that everyone reacts to stress different. Maybe i judge because i have been through so much term-oil that I have the “it is what it is” attitude. When Tbird called the 911 because he was upset he got a parking ticket... that was a bit extreme. If i was with him at the time i dont think i would have allowed that. And when i said why did you do that its not an emergency... he said it was because he wanted to know why he got the ticket. and he is not voting for them... and went on and on. He went up to the cops on the street and asked if they were the one that gave him the ticket... anyway.... I cant handle the way he handles stress... but why do I try to calm him down and tell him it will be alright when he refuses to listen?