she's made of outer space

Hello! I have logged into this account after years again. Update:

I am not a depressed teenager anymore. Sometimes I still get sad, but only sometimes, and in a healthy way, and it goes away after a few hours or days. :)

I am in a loving and stable relationship - something I never would have thought of. I can trust, love and be loved in return. We are celebrating our 2 years anniversary next month.

I am going to graduate college one year from now and pursuing my career in a field I am passionate about.

you think i didn't talk to my friends about this? i did. what else was i supposed to do? i was devastated. i was hurt. i took a ton of naps. i buried my soul in music. i talked to my mom. i talked to my closest friends.

i talked to so many people, a lot more than usually when i'm facing difficulties in life or feeling down. and though their support was great, it didn't make me feel less disappointed. "forget him" "he's not worth it" "he just sucks" their words were so shallow. how could they say these things without even knowing you? it felt so... fake. like the typical things you say to someone to cheer them up. like the things you say when you don't know what else to say.

and... maybe i wasn't very open to their opinions. i believed in the purity of your heart and intentions. i believed you to be a good person. i thought my opinion of you to be more correct than theirs, considering that i knew you better, longer than they did. (i thought i did. turns out you were someone else...)

but. thinking of you as a good person caused me to accuse myself of fucking it up. i thought "well, i am sure he had his reasons to do this and that, i guess he didn't want to hurt, i guess i mistreated him... how?" that's how it started. the search of the all-ending mistake i've done. the search of maybe all the other little things i've said and done wrong. trying to find out how and when and why i've hurt you.

it resulted in dozens, maybe even hundreds of hours spent with reading old messages. analyzing them. i found comfort in the past.

i couldn't really find anything. i try so hard to be objective and neutral about it. i want to learn from the mistakes i've made, i want to better myself and grow and improve.

i want to apologize to you, one day. in all sincerity and honesty.

i don't want it to be just like "hey, i'm sorry". i want to say why, i want to say how i could have done better. i want to say "i never meant to hurt you". not only for myself to feel better, but because i want you to not feel unloved. i want to find a way. i really, really want to find a way.

it's a lonely journey cause you never told me why.

i wasn't worth a "hi" or even a "bye". what did i get? radio silence.

the hardest thing? it doesn't matter to you anymore. i don't. my thoughts, my feelings, nothing does, you've moved on and i haven't and i feel so stupid for it. and i'm sorry but at the same time, i'm not. how could i apologize for liking you?

what the hell was that? today i've read our old messages. i still do it every now and then... i know i shouldn't, but i'm stupid and sentimental. and just in that very moment, while i am staring at the screen... you come back online. after so many months... after an eternity. randomly.

i never deleted your number. however, i am 100% sure that you deleted mine. you won't even remember my existence while i stare so longingly at your name. i am but a mere ghost to you i'll always be.

what i'm doing now? crying while listening to "I Found" by Amber Found. cause damn, I've moved further than I thought I could, but I missed you more than I thought I would.

i'm cold, i'm sad, i'm frustrated. i am disappointed. by you? by myself. what is it about you that has such a huge impact on me? what is it? ...just me being weird? or just you, being more than what you seem?

i was having a safe day. somewhat stable day. that's a relapse.

off to another night of cuddling in my sheets. it's so cold. i would give a fucking lot to get you back. but what would you have given to keep me?