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Dive-Bar Bathroom Attendant

It was past midnight so the bar bathroom reeked of piss and stale farts. And this was one smell I’d have to get used to, among others, since this was now my work space. No I’m not a janitor. No I don’t take out trash and clean the bathroom or any other part of the bar, because I messed those jobs up too. As a waiter I kept getting orders wrong. Demoted to busboy I kept dropping glasses and forgetting to clear tables. Then I got demoted to dishwasher, but I didn’t clean them “well enough” and there were still smudges and layers of grease on dishes and plates. And as janitor I fucked up using the cleaning supplies and stained parts of the floor, countertop, and the straw that broke my boss’ back was when I mixed cleaners together thinking it would do twice the work, but we ended up needing to clear out on our first Sunday brunch of the season so the bar could air out the toxic chemicals.

“Incredible,” my boss’ face turned red, “there are no lower roles for you to fall into. You really are a brainless loser, you know that? Like you’re trying to ruin my business. Get the fuck out of here,”

“No please sir, I really need a job right now,”

“Then look somewhere else. You can’t do any of the jobs here. Worse than a high school drop out you act like you dropped out of 5th grade…”

“Please let me stay, I will do anything,” I begged. And yeah it’s pathetic but even though he was yelling at me, my boss was a decent guy and paid us well, more than I’d expect to get from another restaurant around here, and with my “skills” I couldn’t imagine getting any gig that paid enough for my rent…

“Nah, uh uh, the only, hah,” he laughed looking crazy, “the only thing you’d be good for is to stay in the bathroom and sniff up the patron’s farts so I don’t gotta keep stocking up on air freshener,”

But I did say I’d do anything, “…I could do that for you sir,”

He blinked, furrowed his eyebrows, but then started to laugh. His deep laugh made my stomach go cold.

…

At first he got mad and told me to scram. But I stayed and begged to take on the job. I don’t know if he felt bad for me or if he wanted to punish me or both, but regardless he suddenly smiled at the thought of this new job and told me to come back tomorrow, and to dress up.

Like how some older venues or high class restaurants have a bathroom attendant that hands you a towel or gives you mints, I had to stand in the men’s room by the urinals. I was dressed in a suit and tie to look important and classy, but my large name tag made it clear why I was there:

HELLO, MY NAME IS: Fart Vacuum

And when patrons laughed and asked me to explain, I’d tell them my job was to keep the bathroom smelling as fresh as it could be by letting patrons use my nose to relieve their gas. They never wanted more explanation, and while some were disgusted and called me a perv on the way out, most took advantage of this bar’s new feature.

Weekdays from 3-11pm, Friday and Saturday from 3pm-3am, and Sundays from 9am-3pm for brunch, I was in the mens room with my suit and tie, always ready to fall on my knees and let a customer fart in my face.

“If you fuck this up like the last jobs, if i smell one iota of gas, one single shit particle in this bathroom, then you’re done.” my boss’ warning echoed in my head. I fought my humiliation and disgust so I could shove my nose deep up against men’s assholes

The bar was in a hip area near the university so the clientele were mostly dudebros, fratbros, gymbros, every type of bro. And they all loved me…

“Ayy the sniffer’s in,” three bros stumbled into the bathroom. Regulars who always made sure to “unload” on me. Colton said, “don’t they ever give you a day off?”

“No sir I work every day,” I gulped. One of the conditions was that I had to work whenever they were open, and that I wasn’t allowed to take time off for any reason.

“Every day, man you fucking love farts,” he laughed in my face.

“I try to please sir,”

Colton, Brett, and Hunter walked past me to the three urinals cramped in the corner by the sink, instead of the more spacious toilets. That was because when they all pissed at the same time and were close together, they’d yank their pants and underwear down to their ankles like they were in kindergarten.

“Ready for a Beef Stew medley from me and the boys, Ass Hound?” He glared at me with a cruel smile.

“Thank you sir it would be my pleasure,” I have to be especially nice to Colton ‘and the Boys’ because he used to work for the owner and they’re good enough friends that one single comment of dissatisfaction would be the excuse my boss needed to get rid of me.

I crawl on the dirty floor feeling more cold piss soak into my suit pants. My knees sponge up all the messes from guys who weren’t conscious enough to aim. My vision is taken up by their three toned asses peeking out from under their shirts.

They’d let out their piss farts without warning, forcing me to leap toward the sound and catch as much gas as I could. It was harder without clothes to keep the farts soaking in them; when they were naked it was easy to miss the full stink unless I shoved my nose up into their assholes.

Hunter’s laugh echoed against the tiles while he was watching me over his shoulder diving nose first, desperate to sample his beef stew.

“I might need to upcharge you for this extra beef,”

PRPTRPTRPTPRTRPRPTPPPPP

SNIFF

…

Even though the bar was closed, my job wasn’t done yet. To bring up staff morale, the Boss told me I had to start offering rimjobs to help them destress and unwind after a long hard shift.

Hernandez the cook who also hated me since day 1 was always happy to be first in line for his post-shift “ass scrub”. He smirked down at me with his scruffy smile, “Hope you don’t mind the extra seasoning down there Señor Fart-Vacuum, I’ve been on my feet almost 12 hours now,” He pulled his pants down and mooned me his large hairy ass cheeks. I stared in dread at the deep dark gray patch of sweat that stuck to his underwear, knowing more was waiting to be licked up out of his crack…

“Don’t just stare, do your job. Only one you can do,”

“Yes sir sorry,” I stuttered. He pulled his cheeks apart, his ass crack hairs sticking together from sweat. The musky stink hit me once his hole was spread open, waiting for me. I shut my eyes and stuck my tongue out.

“Ahh, now that’s a good job,”

I grimaced from the awful raunchy taste. I could feel my tastebuds get coated in grime, my tongue getting tangled in his long black hair, his sweat moistening my lips and dripping deep into my throat. I gagged on his asshole again and again, but he hadn’t moved so I needed to keep scrubbing and sucking.

“Hope you’ll save your energy for the holidays, we’re gonna have a lot of customers.”

Then Hernandez let out a short but thick beefy fart,

ppprptrptpppp

But no one knows that in private he calls you his little fag and makes you suck on his sweaty ass and balls while he talks to his girlfriend on the phone. No one knows that he just ordered you to carry him in front of his friends. Or that he just whispered, ‘how’s that butt plug feel fairy?’ in your ear. Or that his rock hard cock is digging into your back.