THERE  HAD  NEVER  BEEN  A  DEFINITION  TO  THEM.     levi had always been content not to  label  their activities,  their  BOND.     in fact it had suited him  better  that way in the underground,  allowed him to keep their family unit safe.     protected.     as long as he had been something to  FEAR,   people wouldn’t come poking their noses in where they’d never been wanted.     but up here,  even as  revered  as the enigmatic  CAPTAIN  LEVI  has become,  there are still those that bully their way into his peace of mind.

farlan isn’t one of those people.     he never has been.

teeth grit hard against one another.     his hands clench into fists so tightly that his nails pierce his flesh,  lips pulled back in a snarl of disobedience.     his feelings play out across his face as they’re known to when it’s  just  them,   giving farlan a front row seat to levi ackerman’s slow decline.

“  … i didn’t forget you.  ”

it’s  THE  TRUTH,   painful as it may be.     dodging farlan’s brutally honest statements,  yet answering the core of them all the same.     a sigh,  then those blade—sharp eyes shutter beneath the weight of his exhaustion & guilt.     yes,   levi knows that he’s been shutting farlan out.     YES,   levi wants to tell him that he’s sorry for it.     that he’s regretted it from day one,  that the ache in his chest has only grown,  mushroomed into a horrible  beast  that howls in the night just to ease the loneliness that’s gnawing at what’s left of him that hasn’t been  CRUSHED  beneath the weight of his rank & his stupid fucking title.

HUMANITY’S  STRONGEST  INDEED.

beneath the rubble of the soldier,  of the shattered life he’d once clung to as erwin’s right hand,  all that’s left is the broken thug.     a worthless little  nobody  without a father & without a future,  without a dream in the world,  without even a fucking  LAST  NAME.

“  i’ve always carried you with me,  dumbass.  ”

he’s trembling faintly,  the mask splitting down the middle.     now that his eyes are closed,  he can see  all  of  them :    isabel,  oluo,  petra,  gunther,  eld.     ERWIN.     countless more,  all faces that have names that he dare not cradle with the same reverence as these six.     levi’s arms wind about himself in a very foreign gesture as he hunches in on himself,  suddenly finding it very hard to stay on his feet as that weight finally reduces him to the mess that he’s been trying to clean up for  years.

“  i carry everyone with me.     i always will.     i didn’t  leave  you,  farlan,  i swear i didn’t.     you were  DEAD.     i  saw  the  life  leave  your  eyes.     i would have  DIED  RIGHT  THERE  WITH  YOU  BOTH  if i could have,  if erwin hadn’t——  ”

‘ i know you do. ’

farlan’s face twists as he watches levi curl in on himself.  he  aches  for him  ,  truly   ,  he can’t imagine how  heavy  it must be   ,   carrying everything on his own.  for a moment   ,  he wants to be mad   ,  tell levi he never  had  to carry all of that alone   ,  that he’s still here   , they’re still a  team  despite it all.  farlan finds himself torn between his false anger  &  his very   real  heartache.

the  heartache  wins this time   ,  just like always   ,   it seems.

‘ levi... ’

his voice comes  softly  ,   as he pulls levi down   ,  letting levi fall against him with a quiet huff.  the worst part is that farlan  knows  that if levi had  truly  believed he wasn’t dead   ,  there’s no way he would’ve been left there.   farlan closes his eyes for a moment   ,  holding them shut  tightly  for a moment as he thinks of what he wants to say.  he doesn’t do  this  , such an open show of lingering affection  ,   but levi seems to need it   ,   looking more fragile than even farlan  himself  had ever seen him.

‘ you’re the dumbass. i know you didn’t forget me, or isabel, or  anyone else. ’

there’s a slight  pause  ,  &  farlan sighs quietly  ,   opening his eyes   ,   one arm loosely around levi’s neck as he fixes the captain with a  firmer  look than usual.  it only lasts for a moment before it softens   ,  becomes more  somber  than before  ,   more  longing  .  he doesn’t  care   about the past right now   ,   &   later  ,   he’ll damn himself for  still  caring   &   maybe  never  saying it like he wanted to   ,   because he’s a  coward  .  but he can do this  ,  he can still be here  ,  hold levi together when he looks moments away from  shattering  completely.

‘ but you don’t gotta carry me, levi, ‘m still here. and you don’t have’ta carry any of that shit alone, you never had to. ‘m still here.’

he holds levi there for a moment longer   ,   knocking his head  lightly  with the captain’s before releasing him  ,   an almost  annoyed  expression on his face  ,  but overwhelming  longing  in his eyes.  the weight of it all is  eating  at him   ,   farlan can see it  ,   he doesn’t want levi to  drown  in it any longer than he already has.

“  ’ you left me out there. ’ it’s not mad, he’s not mad about it any more. the walls protect them from war, from death, from hell, farlan gets that now, he understood it watching isabel die. he remembers all too well watching her be eaten, remembers the smell of death and the rain, of his own blood. ’ you left me to die. ’ a pause. ’ i thought you just didn’t care anymore. ‘  ”           @folgenn​.

“  … I  DID  NOT.  ”

tense.     levi is  tense.     his back is ram—rod straight,  his shoulders rigid,  his expression set in a firm look of indifference :    a mask,  a farce.     if he closes his eyes,  he knows he’ll see the exact moment that farlan is talking about,  & part of levi knows that he can’t handle it again.     NEITHER  OF  THEM  CAN.

there are some wounds that simply do not heal.      levi’s heart.     farlan’s leg.     isabel,  isabel,  isabel.     there’s a hole in their lives shaped like  ISABEL  & even to this day,  levi yearns for something that could  fill  it.

but there’s nothing.     there never could be,  not even with how he’d distracted himself from that day forward.     gotten comfortable in the survey corps,  made a name for himself :    HUMANITY’S  STRONGEST.     if only the civilians could know of the weight atop his wings,  could understand just how heavy  the  dead  are to carry.

how heavy  ISABEL  is.     how heavy  farlan  had been for the hours leading back to the walls that day.     how heavy  PETRA  &  OLUO  &  GUNTHER  &  ELD  are,  their patches in his breast pocket to this day.

… how heavy  ERWIN  is,  his final expression frozen behind levi’s eyelids.

storm—colored eyes flicker down,  a sign that he’s  UNCOMFORTABLE.     & why shouldn’t he be?     levi had relentlessly pursued erwin’s goals as if they’d been his own,  allowing himself to be comfortably molded into a tool for his squad leader,  then commander,  then  friend.     his rank had increased,  along with his duties & the things he’d tried to fill the void with to conceal just how little  CLOSURE  he’d ever been given from that day.     & it had been  farlan  that had suffered for it.

levi had,  intentionally or not,   SHUT  HIM  OUT.

“  you been drinking with the recruits or something?  ”    the captain grumbles dismissively,  trying to change the subject before his mind drifts too far into the past to be dragged back into the present.     “  you know that shit’s not good for you.     should cut it out.  ”

it’s almost  painful  ,  watching levi retreat inwards  ,  away from whatever he’s carrying  ,  away from  farlan  himself.  he’s numb to it this time around  ,  it hurt worse a long time ago  ,  yet not so long at all.  it makes what’s  left  of his leg  ache  slightly  ,  the sting of hange doing what they could to save him  ,  the tearing of titan  jaws  into his leg  ,  the ache that came with losing a friend.  he felt it too  ,  he carried it too  ,  wondered how hange had been able to carry him with the weight of isabel’s  death  on him as well.

they weren’t what they used to be  ,  farlan could appreciate that  ,  &  maybe they never  would  be.  that was just as fair  ,  he thought he’d be  dead  by now anyways.  he thought he would  die  that day  ,  with so many things unspoken  ,  he resolved himself not to mince his words  ,  &  became a  cynic  as the wounds healed.  but  levi  ,  levi was something he didn’t know could still  hurt  ,  could still  cut  him down to the bone  ,  swirl in his bloodstream  &  poison  him so tenderly.

his eyes flicker to levi sharply  ,  framed by dark circles  ,  by sleeplessness  &  regrets  that weighed down all the same.  no one would begrudge him a  drink  if he’d had any  ,  but he was stone cold  sober  ,  always was. 

‘ it’s just the truth, levi.  you left me. ’ 

there’s no  malice  in his voice  ,  farlan finds he’s too  tired  for it anymore.  in the end  ,  it’d been  hange  how found him  ,  hange  who did what they could to help him  ,  &  he owed them more than he was willing to admit.  he tried to be  kinder  to them  ,  like he once was  ,  he wasn’t sure how  good  at it he was.  but he could try  ,  still.  he could try again with levi  ,  couldn’t he ??

the part of him that loved  ,  loves  ,  still  loves  ,  wants to reach out  ,  do something  ,  offer  whatever  kind of comfort he can  ,  the best way he knows how.  he shows his care through  actions  best  ,  not his words.  he always has  ,  &  levi always understood  ,  so he hoped.  in that field  ,  he regretted not  saying  it  ,  &  the time has long since  passed  for it to be said  ,  love didn’t matter anymore.

it still lived in his chest  ,  ached  &  ate away at him  ,  gnawed on his ribs like a stray dog  ,  starving for affection  ,  for attention  ,  for acknowledgement  . 

‘ shut me out, too. ’ 

but he has  seen  how it all weighs so  heavily  on levi  ,  how every loss becomes harder to justify  ,  harder to carry  ,  harder to  bear  as the bodies pile at his feet.  farlan’s arms are crossed where he sits  ,  expression furrowed in something like  contemplation  . 

“  TCH.     don’t be a  smartass,   farlan.  ”

he doesn’t indulge in this sort of thing  OFTEN,   but sometimes it’s nice just to cut loose & … feel something.     in spite of his terse words levi’s  blushing,   the gentle hue of red faint beneath the dying lantern light.     he allows himself to lean back against farlan’s chest as his tender skin is  OH  SO  GENTLY  kissed,  storm—colored eyes fluttering closed as an almost imperceptible sigh ghosts from his lips.

“  you are  such  a bastard.  ”

being this distracted is  DANGEROUS,   levi tells himself as one hand reaches back to idly thread into farlan’s hair.     down here in the underground,  anything  goes … including killing people whose lifestyles don’t agree with the status quo.     not that levi has much cared about how people see  HIM …

but  farlan … protecting him has always been the shorter man’s goal,  & it always will be.

so he should stop this.     but he  DOESN’T.

levi’s a selfish man.     he knows that,  feels the guilt in each one of those marks that farlan’s sucked into his skin,  each finger—shaped bruise pressed into his pale thighs & hips.     & yet there’s that tingling thrill of smug pleasure there to drown out the fear,  the worry,  & levi momentarily allows himself to completely  RELAX.

“  … you should stay.     isabel might catch you if you head to your room now.  ”

‘ yeah ??  guess we oughta protect her poor, innocent eyes, then. ’ 

there’s  humor  in his voice  ,  the dry kind  ,  the kind that doesn’t need a laugh to get across.  his eyes close for a moment when levi leans against him  ,  one hand carding through his hair.  levi calls him a bastard  ,  it’s almost a  petname  at this point  ,  & he  hums  softly.  there’s no bruises here  ,  but farlan still presses a kiss to the back of levi’s neck.  it’s almost  painfully  fond  ,  his nose brushing levi’s hairline just slightly.

maybe they shouldn’t be fucking around like this  ,  but he doesn’t care to think about that right now  ,  doesn’t care to think about much of  anything  ,  &  grins against levi’s skin.  he wouldn’t call himself a  romantic  man  ,  it’s just not how he operates.  but simple gestures  ,  soft ardor  ,  moments in  private  ,  he can allow himself to show a bit of tenderness here  &  there.

his arms rest loosely on either side of levi’s waist  ,  an easily escapable cage  ,  if levi  wanted  to escape.  but he doesn’t  ,  &  farlan lets his head rest against the back of levi’s for a moment.  the dying lantern light illuminates  ,  radiates  off his skin  ,  highlights every dip  &  curve of his body  ,  the marks he left  ,  &  farlan feels a little bit of  pride  in knowing that  he  made those  ,  that no one else will  ever  know they’re hiding  ,  that no one else will  ever  see them  ,  not before they fade. 

@onyxium​  said: ❛  all  these  marks  -  i  look  like  a  crime  scene .  ❜ from here.

‘ didn’t hear you complainin’ when i was makin’ them. ’ 

the words come as a low  purr  as farlan inspects the so-called  damage  ,  grinning a little to himself.  levi’s a little  pale  ,  the norm for most people like them  ,  who haven’t seen the sun a day in their  lives  .  there’s dark marks that stand out  starkly  against his complexion  ,  though  ,  &  farlan doesn’t try to hide the smirk.

still  ,  private shows of affection like  this  come unbidden as he leans over  &  presses his lips to a rather  dark  bruise on the other man’s shoulder  ,  lingering for a moment before moving to another.  it’s almost as if he’s trying to kiss them  better  ,  &  he laughs against levi’s neck when the realization hits him. 

‘ there.  that help any ?? ’ 

it’s a rhetorical question  ,  the bruises linger for days  ,  on  both  of them  ,  farlan himself never comes out  unscathed  either.  it doesn’t keep the smile from his face  ,  or the short syllable of laughter from leaving him as his chin slots into the space of levi’s shoulder comfortably. 

“  make me feel.  ”           @folgenn​,   from  HERE.

RESULT :     farlan catches levi dancing & singing,  thinking no one is around.

HIS  VOICE  DRIFTS  FROM  THE  ATTIC,   firm & almost  foreign  in its beauty.     indeed levi  SINGS,   something that he does when he’s  alone  to avoid being teased by either of his flatmates.     isabel being asleep & farlan being out for the evening had been more than simply a good time to sweep & dust the attic,  it seems.

“  the  more  i  learn,   the  more  i  see,     the  less  the  world  impassions  me.     the  hungry  heart,   the  roving  eye     have  come  to  rest,   do  not  apply.     the  frantic  chase,   the  crazy  ride,     the thrill has gone :    i step aside.  ”

he’s swaying slightly as he sings to himself,  usually  SHARP  obsidian eyes loosely focused & held at  half  mast  as,  yes,  even the vestige of a  SMILE  curls his pale lips.

“  &  i'd  believe  in  anything  were  it  not  for  you.     showing  me  by  just  existing  only  this  is  true :     i  love  you,   i  love  you.     without  question,   i  love  you.  ”

the floorboards creak,  & in seconds levi’s whirling around,  broom held at the ready to  BASH  THE  FUCK  OUT  OF  WHOEVER  IS  INTERRUPTING  HIS  MOMENT——     only for him to see farlan’s eyes staring back at him.     all tension dissipates,  but levi eyes him sternly nonetheless.

“  the fuck’re you doing back?     you scared the  shit  out of me,  asshole.  ”

‘ didn’t wanna interrupt you. ’ 

he stands with one hand on his hip  ,  a playful smirk crawling across his lips.  it’d almost be funny  ,  watching levi wield the broom as though it were a proper weapon  ,  if farlan didn’t know just how  deadly  a weapon it could be in his hands.  it’s the truth  ,  though  ,  &  were it not for the  damn  floorboards  ,  he could’ve stood there  &  just watched  &  listened  .  it was rare to see levi so at  peace  during anything  ,  but he can’t find it in himself to be  particularly  surprised that it would be  cleaning  of all things.

if he didn’t  care  so damn much  ,  farlan would be more  annoyed  at the fact that his stupidly picky nature’s rubbing off.

but he’s less annoyed  &  more  endeared  for the moment  ,  &  his hand falls to his side  ,  &  the smirk becomes something more  akin  to a real smile  ,  something softer  ,  something  fonder  ,  even  ,  almost gentle.  not that either of them are  truly  so unabashed in nature with emotions  ,  but farlan allows it to crawl onto his face  ,  in his eyes  ,  in his body language  ,  because he  cares  ,  &  perhaps it won’t kill him to express that  just  this once. 

‘ didn’t take you for the singing type.  it’s....nice. ’ 

a beat of pause. 

‘ need a hand up here ?? ’ 

FARLAN’S INJURIES.

prior to the main series, seen in a choice with no regrets, farlan, isabel, and levi join the survey corps with the intent to retrieve a document from him.  they plan to execute their attack on their first excursion outside the walls with the survey corps.  however, it doesn’t go to plan, as the second levi leaves, farlan and isabel are attacked by titans.

isabel, unfortunately, does not survive, and farlan does, but only barely.  his right leg is eaten from just above the knee down, and although the titan attempting to eat him is slain, he is left in shock due to his injury and the blood loss.  he’s presumed to be dead, and left behind, and for a moment, farlan truly believes that levi has left him, that he’s really going to die.

LET ME ASSIGN YOU A LOVE LANGUAGE.

a knife called grief.

You have left your house, you have left those people behind, but what are you going to do about the memories which have taken root in you? You can run but not without them. You want someone to sit with you on this cool marble floor while the sun burns everything.You want them to cut your rotten heart and theirs too. You want to sit with it in front of you, let them see you with all your flaws, which haven’t been your fault but you have been made to believe so, and you want them to love you anyways. Because you know you’d do that for them.

NAME :     Farlan Church NICKNAME(S) :     Depending on who you ask: ‘no good thug’, ‘menace’, ‘street rat’.  He’s accumulated a fair few, none of them particularly friendly. GENDER :     Cis male. ORIENTATION :     Bisexual, mostly dates/sleeps with men PREFERRED  PET  NAMES :     ‘Baby/babe’ if he’s being playful, ‘dear/sweetheart/love’ if he’s being serious. RELATIONSHIP  STATUS :     Verse dependent. ADMIN’S  FAVORITE  CANON  SHIPS :     Bold of you to assume farlan gets any canon ships. ADMIN’S  FAVORITE  NON—CANON  SHIPS :     farlevi.  i just think they’re neat.  otherwise, anything goes really. OPINION  ON  TRUE  LOVE :     Believes that it’s a nice idea in theory, isn’t too sure about how real it is.  And if it is real, it sounds really intimidating and he’s not sure if that’s what he wants. OPINION  ON  LOVE  AT  FIRST  SIGHT :     Made up for fairytales, you can’t know you love someone when you first see them. HOW  ‘ ROMANTIC ’  IS  HE :     Surprisingly, very.  He enjoys flirting with his partners, part teasing sometimes but also seriously, and likes reminding them that he cares.  He’s a very affectionate person behind closed doors IDEAL  PHYSICAL  TRAITS  IN  A  PARTNER :     He likes strong people, generally clean, otherwise he’s not that particular. UNATTRACTIVE  PERSONALITY  TRAITS  IN  A  PARTNER :    Cruelty, messiness ( he blames living with Levi for that one ), people who don’t listen, lazy people. AVERAGE  RELATIONSHIP  LENGTH :    He hasn’t had enough relationships to really get an average, not to mention that he died fairly young ( i do not perceive it here tho ) PREFERRED  NON—SEXUAL  INTIMACY :     sharing a bed with someone.  he loves being close to people like that. COMMITMENT  LEVEL :     He can be a little iffy at first, but once he feels secure enough in a relationship, he’s in 100%, very much the ride or die type. OPINION  ON  PUBLIC  AFFECTION :     Doesn’t care for it, really.  He’ll walk closer to his partner than he would someone else, but that’s really about as much as you’ll get from him. PAST  PARTNERS :     Levi Ackerman