remade

182nd day of the year.

It’s 12pm.

Narrator: “Here, we will speak about the etiquette of the holiday meal.”

“Here are the ingredients of the meal.”

[puts turkey on plate] “The flesh of a dead bird.”

[cut to two Brussels sprouts on the plate] “These are Brussels sprouts. They are nature’s turd; they taste like tiny turds.”

[rolling Brussels sprouts off the plate] “This is what you do with Brussels sprouts. It is good etiquette.”

[puts stuffing on the plate] “This is stuffing. It is made of bread and vegetables. It is called stuffing because it was stuffed into the anus of a dead bird. Delicious.“

[cut to a single legume on the plate] “A legume. Billy has made a penis out of the legume. That is bad etiquette. [smearing mashed potatoes on the plate and glass so to look like the legume-penis has "ejaculated”] Billy should be sent to his room.“

[making a penis out of a carrot and two Brussels sprouts] "By contrast, here Billy makes a penis on accident. [removing the carrot from the display by eating half of it and putting it back in a different position] He quickly fixes his mistake. That is good etiquette. Now you don’t have to go to your room, Billy.”

[cut to cranberry jelly on the plate] “Here are cranberries.”

[cut to mashed potatoes on the plate] “And the mash of potato. [sticking his finger into the mashed potatoes and dragging it through] What has Billy hidden under his mash? Look, it’s the cranberry. He’s being silly.”

[cut to full arrangement of dinner on the plate including stuffing, legumes, carrots, potatoes, Brussels sprouts, turkey, cranberries, and a roll] “Look at the nice way Billy has arranged his food on the plate.”

[cut to different arrangement] “Now he has arranged it by colors. He is being creative.”

[cut to minimalist arrangement] “Look, Billy is not very hungry now, and he still makes a nice plate.”

[cut to arrangement of individual bites featuring all aspects of the meal] “Look at the tiny bites he has made.”

[cut to arrangement of meal by food group in the shape of a triangle] “Now he has made a food pyramid. Billy has no friends.”

[cut to food separated from each other on the plate so nothing is touching] “He has separated his food. He is an obsessive. Maybe he writes computer programs.”

[squeezing all the food in his hands] “Billy is acting like an idiot. He is playing with his food.”

[cut to a picture of the food that looks like a person with blood splattered on their face and the word “DIE”] “He has made a bad drawing on his plate. Billy needs therapy.”

[cut to a picture of the food that looks like a scenic landscape picture] “He has made a nice drawing. Billy doesn’t need therapy now.”

[cut to food with Billy holding his fork about to eat] “Here is the correct way of using your eating utensil.”

[cut to fork lying on the plate with no food on the plate] “This is the wrong way. [Billy shows that he is holding all the food in his hand] This is bad etiquette.” [places the food on top of the fork]

[cut to plate with only mashed potatoes on it] “[making a divot in the potatoes with a spoon] Billy makes a divot in his mash for his gravy. [pouring the gravy into the divot] He is sexually frustrated.”

[cut to full plate of food with Billy pouring gravy all over it] “Billy went on a date. Look at how he applies his gravy now.”

[cut to Billy holding his hand over his food and pouring the gravy on his hand] “Now Billy is addicted to pornography.”

[cut to bowl of salad] “He doesn’t like the salad. [throws all the salad out of the bowl] It reminds him of death.”

[bringing pumpkin pie into shot] “Now it’s time for pie. [lifting slice out of the pie tin] Billy takes a small piece. How much is left? How much pie is left? [showing a bar graph of remaining pie vs taken pie] Here is a graph.”

[spraying canned whipped cream on top of slice of pie] “May I have some whip, please? Billy is still addicted to pornography.”

[cut to cranberry remnants on plate arranged to look like an ink blot painting] “He is finished now, and he sees things on his messy plate. Billy sees the devil.”

[cut to pumpkin pie remnants on plate arranged to look like Elvis Presley] “Now he sees something different. He is (voice and picture distort) hallucinating now.”

[cut to completely empty table] “The meal is now done, and Billy says ‘Happy Holidays’.”