BABY

pyung sat in the dorm muling over the question. what does home mean to him? if he was being honest, he couldn’t give you a concise answer. home had so many definitions. it wasn’t a place. it was a person. a feeling. his brothers felt like home. being with someone he cared about felt like home. he hasn't felt like he was home for a while. he doesn’t remember when it started happening. not that he would ever reveal that to his fans.  

he got up from the couch and decided that it was time to get it over with. he walked to his room and got out his camera once again. he sat at the table and set the camera up on the table. he switched it on and waved. “hello my name is pyung and i’m lead rapper one of charm.” he smiled into the camera as he waved. “home to me is a place where you feel safe.” for pyung home was a person, or two. his house never felt like a home. he felt more at home in his brothers apartment then he ever did in his parents house. “somewhere that you feel loved and appreciated. it doesn’t have to be a place. a home can be a person or a group of people.” he missed his home. in his brothers embrace where he felt like anything could happen and he’d survive. “for me your house and your home are completely different entities. a house is where you stay. a home is where you want to be.” he sighed and waved into the camera. he turned off the camera and said goodbye.

this month was proving to be busy. and pyung couldn’t say he was surprised. he’s grown used to packed schedules and barely any time to breathe. he was currently sitting in the waiting room of their final music show performance. the days before seeing them kickoff the world tour. he was happy that charm was being recognized, but felt so overwhelmed. unable to keep up with schedules anymore. and more than anything, tired of it all. he got up in the morning only to be whisked from the company to the performance venue and then back to the company. and after today, they would be done with promotions for at least a month. but they weren’t done with performances with all the end of the year awards and performances they were attending. and on top of that they would be filming for the idol star athletics championships. and as if their schedule wasn’t packed enough they would be recording for their next album. he sat behind stage already dressed for their performance. he heard a staff member call them to the stage. he got up begrudgingly and followed his group to the stage. 

he stood by as the group on the stage finished up their performance. dread coursed through his veins. all he wanted to do was lay down and sleep for days. performing no longer left him happy. he had fallen out of love with performing on stage. his starry eyed persona gone. they all entered the stage to get in position for the performance. as the music played he followed along hitting every step in perfect sync with his members. his movement was muscle memory at its finest. his heart wasn't in it. the performance dragged on and he hated every minute of it. you can only hang on for so long. he exited the stage and made a beeline for the dressing room where he plopped on the couch without changing out of his stage clothes. he listened to the hustle and bustle around him as they went about their business. he lay on the couch thinking about what he had left this month. filming for a cf and recording for their album. on top of that they started their tour with their first few concerts in seoul. he was grateful for their tours. but he was also tired of being thrown from one performance to the other. tired of the constant schedules they were thrown into. he missed his freedom. He missed his brothers and friends. he missed being seen. In the eyes of the company he was invisible. his only worth coming from the money he made them. If only he wasn’t so naive when he started. he knows now that he may of never begun.