SORRY, BAE

what do red pandas even do

me, last week: my favorite holiday is coming up :3c mom: ? easter? st patrick's day? me: no no, it's not a holiday as in 'you get time off work' me: me: unless you and your coworkers all do something really funny

tools in my toolshed have started expressing rudimentary emotions

hoes mad

There's "committing to the bit" and then there's whatever the fuck Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster were doing on television every week from 2006-2014

My favorite jokes are about mispronouncing philosophers' names but I'm afraid it's a nietzsche subgenre

Fucking imagine driving back home tired from work, pinching yourself not to fall asleep at the wheel, and suddenly you see the glowing antlers of an ancient god.

being on omegle in middle school had me feeling like in chamber of secrets when ginny wealsey had that diary and could talk to tom nook

YOU KNOW I MEANT TOM RIDDLE!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT !!

The entire history of the world, religion, politics, and pop culture came together to make this joke possible.

@writefasttalkevenfaster