MOTH BITCH

so i've done a little bit of fanart recently but broadly i do original works, with a few characters that are near and dear to me but, broadly, i am more interested in their worlds and the stories those worlds tell.

this has led to twin issues: i poison all my work with scope creep, and more pressingly, i do not know how to love a single character.

i realized this because every time i try to make a character in a crpg, whether it's baldur's gate or pillars of eternity or shadowrun or cyberpunk 2077 or what-have-you, i'm never really making a character for a specific purpose, never really embodying or immersing myself in their role. i'm usually just maximizing the character creator, putting together the 'best' parts of each slider and color choice to make a character that jumps off the screen as much as possible.

but then i make 3. and then 7. and then i start over. and then i make 20. and then i start over.

i have characters that i love dearly that are. like. impossible to make in these kinds of games just based on what a game will allow me to do. i make character decisions based on what i'd do in the situation, which usually results in me withholding information and tapping out as soon as my vibe check comes back with a pH balance of Super Extremely Evil Person Badly Hiding It. . . which is never what these games want from me, the player.

the "role playing" thing has always stuck with me in the same way "loving a character" sticks with me. i write some thick, dense, winding narratives for characters i really truly do love (muji, poppy, kaz, all fours, to name a few) and i definitely love those characters. but . . .

i don't know how to just. make something i love, that carries the meaning i want to put into them. i'm usually struck with inspiration or constrained in some way and that forces a good idea out of me. being given too many choices poisons my ability to make any of them (analysis paralysis), and i get stuck on the road not traveled, the opportunity for expression that i had to give up because i am unsatisfied with a story's ability to make the choices i did make meaningful, or with a game's mechanics not rewarding my 'vision' enough.

so then i make 2 and then 15 and then 40 and then i start over. (and then i start over.) i think the few occasions where i've been able to complete an rpg with a character creator is where the creation options suck big eggs (looking at you, fromsoft) or because the game was uniquely compelling to play (nioh 2, etrian odyssey, disco elysium, god eater, MoHun/Stories)

i think i miss the kinds of games that would hit you with a personality quiz first thing. tell me what's wrong with me video game. tell me what magical animal i am video game.

so like. coming to a general point about all this; i wonder what it takes to love a character on their surface. to begin seeing the shrimp colors that live between the lines of a story, of a character.

a character is like. the instrument in the symphony of a story. how do i make it sing? how do i acquire a conductor's ear?

getting into pillars of eternity. had to make a character portrait for poe1.

this is my girlie, pyre's smoke