where i am

It’s half past two on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I’m lying on my bed with a fan to cool me and an incense burning on a small table. Truthfully, I’m feeling sleepy now and if I’m not restless, I would’ve taken a nap. Right now, that’s one of the things I want on a day like this. A siesta.

I woke up to a bright morning earlier today. Was it not for the loud newspaper delivery lady, I would’ve probably woken up gently and felt a little more peace before I take on the day. As I was already annoyed, I went on to do right away a task I planned for today: bathe our dogs. What I really wanted was first to eat a delicious full breakfast. Maybe bask in the sunlight a little bit. Instead, I was dripping with sweat while bathing the dogs and I only got to eat an egg & a piece of bread and a little mango juice after.

Like any other day, I was hoping today would be different. I wanted to light a scented candle and do some journaling or reading or maybe even cross stitch. On a day just like this, three years ago, that’s something I would’ve normally done. Today, however, I just sat on the bed and watched anime. Not bad, to be honest. I enjoy watching anime. But, along with that, I was switching between apps, looking at Twitter & IG for new posts even though I checked them just 8mins ago. I would also check my messaging apps, waiting (read: hoping) for messages from friends and my boyfriend (read: he’s extremely busy today). Because of the anime too, I’d find myself browsing condo listings next. I was daydreaming a little then. I wanted to be hopeful, even if it seemed ridiculous. I was, too, those years ago.

After eating lunch, feeding the dogs and washing the dishes, I want to spend my time alone in the living room, surrounded by a bigger space than what my bedroom can provide. I’d be resting for a while, listening to the rustle of the leaves outside with the occasional chirping of the birds. Then soon enough, I’d be lying on the sofa and take my nap. Peaceful and undisturbed. Yet, as you already know, I’m currently cooped up here in the bedroom, typing this. My family members, except for my dad, are all here in the house with me. I don’t feel any solitude at all.

On a day like this, I want to spend my late afternoon doing yoga & meditation and then eat snacks and drink tea or juice, maybe outside the house, by the garage. I could be listening to music or watching something. Our female dog would surely sit next to me, sniffing, hoping to get a share of what I’m eating. And as soon as the mosquitoes start biting me, it would be time to prepare for dinner. In the evening, I’d want to eat something with broth. Sinigang, perhaps? Or nilaga? Just one meal is enough for me. I’d probably want a dessert tho.

It would be nice to have a pamper bath and skincare after a day like this, no? I could already imagine it. I’d be tempted to light up my scented candle again but I wouldn’t because I’m saving it. It smells really nice and I don’t want to run out of it soon. Today, though, I already showered in the morning after breakfast. My evening wash later won’t be as meticulous anymore. Later at night, I want to genuinely rest and feel at ease, just doing light tasks to prepare me for sleep. That’s best done while reading a book. But, honestly, I haven’t read in a long while. I’m avoiding a lot of my hobbies and I use procrastination as an excuse. Maybe I’m just scared, or actually unmotivated. Later tonight, I’ll most likely prepare my things for work tomorrow, scroll social media apps, and talk to my friends and partner. I’d have a lot of thoughts on several things but I’ll just push them aside & try to appear undistracted. I’ll be fooling myself and others. Not a nice recipe on a day like this.

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