Floren Loren

I'm not dead, I say emerging from the fog.

Has anyone noticed how I type in all caps ALL the time? I pray this isn't noticed.

People say they reached consciousness at 3, or 5. But I think the moment I reached consciousness was when sat in sociology couple months ago absorbing the blend of silence and gentle ringing of breath in my ear while a man held a phone before my face, playing that one Japanese add for Ringo Starr, you know the one I mean? "Ringo sutta", "Ringo Starr!" "No! Ringo Sutta!", please know the one I mean. That was the first time I registered my position on this plane of existence.

I can imagine in all the many years of Rachmaninoff's education at the Moscow conservatory everyone saw how prodigal he was, and just figured he knew everything already. "Do you think we should tell him that nobody else's hands are big enough for this?" "Do you think someone should tell him that chords and melody are generally like... different?". I think now we're all feeling the fallout of this grave grave assumption.

Je pense à Ringo Starr.

I've always found it strange how people just know their height, I know I'm somewhere between 5'7" and 5'10", where between those I have no idea, but I think that's pretty specific, some people know it to the inch and a half off the top of their head. It's such a weird assumption that one should know their precise height.

Just looked in my drafts and saw "I" - this is the way. Me 3 days ago was onto something.

I need to learn to be a little more reasonable in building my opinions. Someone will ask me what I think of a composer so I'll look them up, listen to 5 seconds of their most popular piece, and there forms my ungrounded hot take on one of the 20th centuries most acclaimed musical geniuses.

I recently started learning a piece by Rachmaninoff, I knew going into it that he had big hands but I feel like he's being a tease. Yes I can do a tenth, no it isn't easy, but he's putting them everywhere. Doable enough so I don't roll or stagger the chord, but hard enough that I want to roll and stagger the chord. He's a horrid man.

I am finally deciding to try and change my immense insecurity and cancel the self-hatred, it is bad, I am going to become a happy person who doesn't randomly break down in tears every other day!!

I'd be thinking myself aromantic if it wasn't for Chopin's music, every time I hear anything he's written I fall deeply in love with nothing in particular.

I've been heavily inactive the past two days because I sweated out my soul and had no desire, love, hate, no emotion of any kind. This weather has purged me of my humanity.