I am back to being super suicidal again. I mean, what's the point of living when the government is going to do everything in their power to take your life anyway. Why not go out on your own terms? I mean, either way, they still killed you, but at least the latter gave you a say in how and when it happened.
I am not okay. I'm really not. I am not sure who I can trust. I don't fully trust anyone right now - partners, family (especially my mom with aligns herself with the current regime), friends - anyone at all.
I have had bouts of suicidal idiations in the past, but none of those times have lasted this long or have been as intense as what what is happening in my brain at this time. The darkness has completely enveloped me.
I have, utterly, lost all hope. There is no point of feeling hope in a world destined to be ran by despots, oligarchs, nazis, the most vile & despicable "people" on the planet. I found this quote and I think it is the closest I have found to how I am truly feeling:
"There is such a thing as too much loss. Too much has been taken from you both - taken and taken and taken, until there's nothing left but hope, and you've given that up because it hurts too much. Until you would rather die, or kill, or avoid attachments altogether, than lose one more thing."
N.K. Jemisin, The Obelisk Gate (The Broken Earth, #2)
I am ready to die and/or avoid attachment altogether because I don't want to lose anything else. I am tired of grieving. I am tired of feeling utterly alone. My thoughts, the constant static in my head are just too much anymore. I already know what it's like to be abandoned and utterly alone. Why stay alive when you know that is going to be the only constant in your life.
I am done.
