Rants and Rubbish

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

- 99.97% - the engineer replies confidently

The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around:

the city of los angeles

the city of new york

sex

how drinking alcohol works

how getting high works

how a child of any age speaks

how nuclear physics work

how [my job] works

how debilitating being shot in the shoulder is

how hypothermia works

things I have never before seen someone fake their way through writing about, until today:

SHRIMP COCKTAIL:

banahbanah: #flashback to that one fic where Peter Parker frets about drinking shrimp cocktail because of the alcohol

generaldeliciousness: adding: what a prawn/shrimp cocktail is

#why is your character turning it down because they're under 21 #do you think prawn cocktail is a cocktail #this lives in my brain rent-free constantly #the rest of the fic was so normal #and good enough that i'll still re-read it #but bro

And then many, MANY, people wondering if this was actually authour mistake, since Peter really would do this!

POMEGRANATES:

zhajhassa: #haha where's that post that was like someone describing someone eating a pomegranate but they ate it like an apple

thornhands: #once someone wrote persephone biting into a whole Pomegranate #had to stop and stare at a wall for a minute

sungsingsanguine: I once saw someone very confidently write about a character eating slices of pomegranate.

FRUIT TREES:

zagreuses-toast: #given a very endearing glimpse into a writers blindspots by seeing them describe someone sitting under a ''pineapple tree''

salatrash: I remember something about picking watermelons... OF A FUCKING TREE

baander: #cranberry trees

DOUGH/BATTER:

maycelium: #I'm a chef so I'm really used to people not accurately describing how to cook food #But I was surprisingly flabbergasted when someone was writing making a cake and was kneading it. Which uh #Not necessary for cake. It was interesting for sure but just bizarre

livebloggingmydescentintomadness: #the one that drove me nuts was when a character set aside a batch of PASTA DOUGH 'to rise' #pasta doesn't have yeast!! #it does need to REST but it will never RISE #you do not want an airy crumb on your noodles

lovesodeepandwideandwell: #THE ONE WHERE THEY MADE COOKIES BY LADLING BATTER INTO A TRAY

Some other topics:

“You feel the bulge in his pants” - implies that you are feeling some guy’s penis, may be sexy depending on context

https://archive.org/details/555-milf-tar/

I had a disturbing exchange with a high school-aged person today that prompted this…

Beer, wine, mead, and cider are fermented beverages.

Mead is made from honey.

Cider is made from apples.

Beer is made from grains.

Beer tastes like beer because they flavor it with hops.

They used to flavor beer with dandelions.

Ain’t that cute?

All beer is either ale or lager.

Ale is fermented at room temperature.

Lager is brewed and store cold.

Barleywine, bitter, porter, and stout are ales.

Pilsner and bock are lagers.

Most of the crap people drink in America is pale lager.

Mosft of the crap people drink in Ireland is dry stout.

Butterbeer isn’t real.

(Except actually I think it is, and I heard it tastes like cream soda)

Miruvor isn’t real, either, but it probably would taste like squash.

Ent-draught isn’t real, either, but shit, it would be awesome if it were.

Wine is made from fermented fruit juice, usually grapes.

Red wine is made from red grapes.

White wine is made from green grapes.

The name of the grape is the name of the wine (Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Merlot are all varieties of grape)

Unless you live in France.

In which case, the name of the place supersedes the name of the grape.

(for example: Burgundies are made in Burgundy, France, but Burgundy wine can be Pinot Noir or Chardonnay)

Champagne is any sparkling white wine.

However, Champagne can also be wine that comes from Champagne, France.

Drink red wine with beef. Drink white wine with fish.

Act like it tastes good. 

Keep a Diet Coke in your bag for later.

You’ll be fine.

Brandy is distilled wine.

Cognac is brandy aged in oak barrels.

Don’t fuck around with the French about their cognac.

Fortified wine is wine with added alcohol.

Sherry is fortified white wine made in Spain.

Port is fortified red wine made in Portugal.

Vermouth is fortified white wine plus grape spirits.

Sweet vermouth has added sugar.

Dry vermouth has added spices like nutmeg.

Liquors are distilled spirits that contain ethanol.

Liqueurs are liquors that have sugar and flavors added.

Liquors can be made from grains, fruits, or vegetables.

Grain alcohol is liquor made from grains. Duh.

Gin, Vodka, and Whisky are grain alcohols.

Vodka is grain alcohol and water.

Be careful with vodka. Homemade vodka is poisonous.

Gin is (basically vodka) flavored with juniper berries.

Absinthe is (basically gin) flavored with anise.

Whisky is grain alcohol aged in wood barrels.

Malt whisky is made from barley.

Grain whisky is made from all the other grains.

Scotch is whisky made in Scotland.

Bourbon is Kentucky whisky mostly made from corn.

Don’t fuck around with the Scottish.

Don’t fuck around with people from Kentucky, either.

Tequila is liquor made from the blue agave plant.

Rum is liquor made from sugarcane.

Schnapps is liquor made from fruit “must” (smashed fruit that still contains seeds and skins).

American schnapps is grain alcohol mixed with fruit flavors and sugar syrup.

Drink apple schnapps only while playing Tekken 2.

Sake is rice wine that’s brewed like beer. Or something.

Avoid these cocktails: Grog, Long Island Iced Tea, Manhattan, Dark and Stormy, Jack and Coke, Piña Colada, Scorpion. They contain huge amounts of alcohol and/or a huge number of calories. That Long Island Ice Tea is the worst motherfucker of the bunch. Just avoid them. Have a lemon drop martini instead.

Don’t drink on an empty stomach or you’ll puke.

Don’t drink too fast or you’ll puke.

Avoid Long Island Iced Teas. Like I said.

Don’t drink and drive because you might kill my Mom. You fuckers.

If your friend has had too much to drink and needs to crash, make sure she’s lying on her side so she doesn’t choke on her own vomit. 

Don’t leave a drunk friend alone.

Passing out is a sign of being severely goddamn sick. If someone drinks and passes out? They are dying right now. Call 9-1-1. 

If you are drunk, don’t drink coffee or caffeine to get sober. Sip cold water and nibble some saltine crackers.

Don’t be a fucking idiot. Don’t smash my mailbox.

Really, do you need to drink? 

You probably don’t.

However the drunk guys are also drinking, and eventually she can't afford to buy another pitcher for the table so she can't keep up the ever-full beer glass trick. At this point she has to resort to setting up the pool trick shot that she's never seen anyone but her boyfriend pull off, and says she'll leave with whoever manages the shot first.