jflem

You finished up your 10th, 11th, and 12th weeks without much of a fuss. You continued training, none of your teammates suspecting anything out of the ordinary.

And then the 13th week hit, and along with it came a plethora of new, and unpleasant symptoms. You had gotten off easy so far, hardly any symptoms when everything you'd read online spoke of how awful the first trimester was, you were rather pleased with how easy it had been on your body. Despite Dr. Stevens saying that the second trimester usually brought relief, yours seemed to bring the opposite. First it had been a new soreness in your breasts, then was the daily heartburn, then the hot flashes, and lastly the sudden aversion to most foods.

You’d become grumpier than usual, to everyone. Your teammates had noticed a shift, they still tried to be friendly and joke around with you, but you’d begun to notice the hesitancy that some of them had before approaching you now. They still didn’t know, they just assumed you were in a funk.

You knew your time playing was coming to an end, you’d spoken to Dr. Stevens about finishing out the week, playing in the game this weekend and then reevaluating at that point. You were going to push to play as long as she let you, not yet ready to settle into a more sedentary life yet. That plan had been good.

But now, just three days prior to match day, you weren’t sure as you tried to wipe the stream of sweat from your face off on your already soaked shirt. It was abnormally hot, that’s what you told yourself, it was the heat, not that you were carrying an extra body.

Your session had started alright, the normal sluggishness presenting itself. But as the session continued, you grew tired, and then exhausted, and then weak. Your legs felt impossibly heavy, your heart began racing at even the lightest jog. When you lined up to finish the day with some agility and sprints, you knew you’d almost made it through the day. Pushing yourself hard, you finished your first sprint and began jogging back to your line. You got back in line and sprinted again, and then again. And then on your fourth round, you felt the shift in your body.

That’s when the spots filtered into your vision, small at first, tiny stars. You try shaking them away, taking a deep breath, your hands resting on top of your head. But the small black dots don’t fade, they grow and then you notice the edge of your vision becoming dark. Blinking hard you try to clear away the tunnel closing in but it only grows. Your heart hammers in your chest and you start to feel a twinge of panic set in.

You stumble taking a step toward the bench but quickly realize you likely weren’t going to make it that far as your vision begins to blur. The sounds of training are replaced with the swooshing of your own blood in your ears and the pounding of your heart. You turn back toward your line and call for Jessie, just her name. You see her spin, her eyes widen, and then it's dark.

“Hey,” you come to feel a hand tapping on your face and calling your name. “Can you hear me?” The voice sounds as if it’s underwater, distant, but you know whoever it is is right in front of you.

When you crack open your eyes you're met with the bright sun directly above you, making you realize you were on the ground. You blink a few times as all your senses come back to you, you see and hear Paul sitting next to you.

“You fainted.” He says, his voice now coming in clearer. “We’re cooling you down, how do you feel?”

“The baby?” you ask. It’s not what Paul exacted you to ask, but it was the only thing your mind could focus on. You ask not even caring about the gathering of teammates you had standing around you. Paul nods his head.

“I know, we’re going to check, I already called Dr. Stevens, she’s on her way.” You close your eyes again, feeling exhausted. Your brief rest is interrupted by Paul tapping your shoulders.

“Hey, keep your eyes open, I know you’re tired but just until we get you fully checked out.”

Cracking your eyes open slowly with a scowl, you focus on the crowd around you momentarily. Seeing you were okay, a few of your teammates had moved away, giving you space. Directly next to your head you meet the set of brown eyes that look more terrified than anyone else. Jessie has her thumb between her teeth, anxiously biting at the skin as her eyes are glued to yours.

“You’re lucky she caught you.” Paul says. “I’ve never seen her move so fast.”

Your eyes also catch Kylie’s, who you can tell is also terrified for you. Feeling suddenly embarrassed, you give once glance around to the remaining group. “I’m good, you all can go.”

The majority of the girls walk away, but Jessie doesn’t. She stays firmly by your head, not speaking, but simply watching you.

“I’m okay.” You try to tell her, but it does nothing to calm the concern in her eyes. She just watches you. She watches as you lift yourself, with the help of Paul, off the ground. She hovers closely behind you, as if she's worried she'll have to catch you again, Jessie follows as you head into the locker room. And she watches as you sit down on the table. She remains silent, flipping between biting her thumb and anxiously playing with the ring on her finger.

Paul leaves you alone with Jessie as he goes to meet Dr Stevens.

“Hey.” You kick your foot to nudge her. “You can speak, I’m fine, relax.”

“You’re not fine, you just fucking passed out.” You’re a bit taken aback by Jessie’s anger. She quickly follows up, holding her hands up. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t yell, I was just scared, I mean I still am.”

“I’m okay.”

“I know, but the baby.”

As if on queue, Paul opens the door and Dr Stevens comes through. “Hey, I heard we had a little fainting episode over here.”

She quickly runs through your basic vitals and then questions you about your habits. How you had been sleeping, how you had been eating.

You want to lie.

You want to say you’ve been sleeping through the night, getting ten hours every night. That you felt rested when you woke up every morning, but that was a lie. You wanted to tell her you have been having a full breakfast, a full lunch, and a nutritious dinner. But that’s a lie. You picked at your food, you hardly had an appetite and on top of it the idea of most foods almost made you sick. So you hadn't been cooking much, and you were too tired to go get take out, so instead you just ate bites here and there between waves of nausea.

So you admitted to your poor eating, your poor sleeping, and your poor resting. You’re gently scolded by Dr Stevens, who just encourages you to do better, offering you anti nausea medication and other remedies to help. She attributes the fainting to those issues rather than a problem with the baby, trying to temporarily reassure you.

While she seems understanding of your struggles it’s Jessie who looks frustrated with you. You can feel her eyes boring into the side of your head. You hadn’t exactly been clear with her about your issues, you didn’t want to worry her.

“Alright, ultrasound time, lucky for you, baby should be big enough that we can just do abdominal.” You’re relieved that you wouldn’t be stripping naked in the training room. Pulling your shirt up you reveal the still nearly non-existent baby bump.

“There they are.” Dr. Steven says, you hear the small swooshing of your baby’s heart through the ultrasound. It was such a simple sound, but the relief that rushed through your body was indescribable.

“So the baby is okay?” Jessie pipes up from where she’d been anxiously waiting.

“Baby is good, nothing super concerning showing up here, baby’s heart rate is a little high, but nothing I’m worried about.” She continues to scan over your stomach.

“Now, just because everything looks normal, that doesn’t mean if this happens again that everything will be okay. So,” she sighs and you can feel yourself hold your breath. “I’m going to suggest, I know it’s early, but that you start a modified routine.”

“Now?” You ask, hoping she’ll say you still have time.

“I know it’s earlier than we anticipated, but, you’re having symptoms that are compromising your health, that needs to be the priority now for you and baby.”

Your heart sinks and you feel nauseous all over again. You thought you still had time. You thought you'd have time to come to the realization that you wouldn’t be playing the game you loved. You thought you had time to figure out how you were going to handle that transition, how you’d handle the isolation. What little time you thought you still had, was suddenly gone.

“You can keep training working out is good for the baby, but I think it's time we limit it and also go non-contact.”

“Yeah.” You agree, not that you actually agreed, more that your mind was racing and you were just nodding along.

“Alright, I’ll leave you to get cleaned up, I’ll go talk with Paul, if you have any questions in the meantime or need anything, reach out to me, especially if you're having difficulties.” She gives you a knowing look.

As you’re wiping the extra gel off your stomach Jessie looks at you, then away, then back to you.

“Just say it.” You edge her on, knowing there’s something on the tip of her tongue that she can’t quite get out.

“You didn’t tell me, about the nausea, the lack of sleep, I didn't know you were having issues.” She says with a huff before throwing up her hands defensively. “And before you scold me, I know I’m not your wife or whatever, but still, I thought, I don’t know.” She kicks her shoe into the ground.

She was right. You hated that she was right. “I know, I should’ve told you.” You shrug agreeing with her.

“Yeah.” Jessie hands you another wipe. “You have to tell me those things. I can’t fix everything, but at least I can help. You’re leaving me in the dark again.”

“I’m sorry.” You throw the used wipes out and start to move toward the door. “I just didn’t want to admit I wasn’t feeling okay. I didn’t want to seem weak.”

“Hey,” Jessie grabs your forearm, pausing your stride. “This isn’t weak. You’re growing a human being. That’s insane, you realize that right? A whole person is growing inside of you.”

“I know, but still.”

“Stop telling yourself it’s weak, it’s not.” She finally releases her grip, letting you continue to the doorway.

When you round the corner the locker room had cleared out except Kylie who was sitting in your locker. Jessie looks between the two of you. “I’ll wait out there, give you two some time.” Once she leaves you're left in an uncomfortable silence with your best friend.

“Given that I saw Dr Stevens, I’m going to assume you asking about a baby wasn’t some post fainting hysteria.”

You're not sure what to say, you hadn’t told anyone besides staff and Jessie. You chicken out at telling your Mom at dinner, you'd yet to tell any of your other friends, you were in uncharted territory. Your stomach feels sick as you see the slight hurt on Kylie’s face.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“I don’t know, I really don’t. I still don’t know how to even have this conversation, and now I have to because I can't play anymore.” You slump into the cubby next to yours, letting your cheek fall onto her shoulder. “I have to be done.”

“I’m sorry.” She wraps her arms around you. You sit in silence together for a minute before you feel Kylie laugh.

“What?” You lift your head glancing at her.

“Just,” she shakes her head, “Fleming?” She raises an eyebrow questioning. “I mean, shes adorable, but she doesn't seem like the type to knock someone up.”

You drop your head to the side looking at her. “Well it wasn't intentional.”

“I figured that much.” There's a brief pause. “I’ll let you go, I’m sure your co-parent is waiting.” She wiggles her eyebrows. “But if you need anything, let me know, seriously. Also I want more details about whatever it is between the two of you.” Kylie stands up and you follow, giving her a hug before she leaves the locker room.

“Everything okay?” Jessie pops her head back into the locker room. You give a thumbs up as you continue to pack your bag up. “So, I guess you’re going to have to tell the girls sooner rather than later.”

“I mean I think some of them already know, given I was half conscious asking about a baby.” You grab your bag and throw in a couple things from your locker. “But yeah, I guess, tomorrow probably. Just get it over with.”

You watch as Jessie pulls her training top over her head, being too busy with you to have changed when everyone else did. Unlike Jessie who would politely avert her eyes, you took in her figure. Not only do you look, you stare. Eyes lingering on her stomach soft and yet perfectly toned, you stare at the way her hip muscles sculpted a V, just barely peaking out of her shorts.

Having no shame for how you had been eyeing her up, when she glanced over to you, you speak. “Can we go back to mine? I need to not think right now.”

For a second you see hesitancy in Jessie’s eyes before she gives you a weak smile. “Yeah, I’ll follow you over.”

Walking in the door you move toward the bedroom, Jessie trailing behind you. Pushing open the door you catch sight of your bag, half packed in preparation for this weekend’s game. A game you’d no longer be playing in. Maybe it hadn’t fully set in when Dr Stevens had said it, but seeing the bag felt like a punch in the chest.

You’re stuck staring at it. Stiff, unmoving as Jessie’s hands fall to your hips. When you don’t react to her touch, she moves to face you.

“Hey.” She says, the sympathy obvious in her voice. You turn your head down and away, trying to hide the emotion she had already seen. “Hey.” She repeats, bringing a hand to your cheek. She softly coaxes your face up to meet her gaze.

“I’m sorry, you can go, I’m not in the mood anymore.” You try to shake from her touch, wanting to just hide the emotion on your face.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Kick me out.” Jessie brings her other hand to your shoulder. “Talk to me, please.”

You didn’t want to talk. You wanted to push her away, you wanted to sit alone in your sadness, you wanted to curl up in bed and cry until your pillow case was soaked. You had no issues being physically vulnerable with Jessie, letting her see you, touch you, in ways others never had. The emotional vulnerability was still a work in progress.

But maybe you owed it to the baby, to start pushing that vulnerability.

“I just thought I had a few more days.” You bite your lip as it threatens to quiver. Already embarrassed, you fought as hard as you could to not cry. “I’m not ready to be done.”

“Shit,” you say, suddenly overcome with emotions again at the thought of the game you loved. “Sorry, pregnancy emotions or whatever.” You wave Jessie off as you wipe the corner of your eyes.

“I know, it’s okay to be upset, pregnant or not.” Jessie doesn’t say anything else, but instead wraps her arms around you, pulling you into herself. “I know.” Her hand softly guides your head to rest on her shoulder. You want to fight her, push her arms away from you but you don’t have the strength to do so.

So instead you melt into her chest. The gesture breaks down your guard. The comfort of Jessie’s arms and the firm squeeze they were giving you opened the floodgates, a sob wracked your chest. She says nothing, she simply holds you. It’s safe. She holds you firmly until you stop crying, your shoulders no longer shaking, your eyes no longer burning.

“Here, let’s go sit down.” Jessie takes your hand, pulling you to your bedside. She pulls back the covers and gestures for you to climb in. “I’ll be right back.”

She leaves and you allow yourself to sink into the pillows. You were so exhausted, emotionally, physically, exhausted in every sense.

When Jessie comes back she’s carrying your water bottle and a tray of snacks. “I didn’t know what would sound good to you, so I brought almost everything that was in your pantry.”

“I’m not hungry, but thank you.” You take the water bottle and sip from it.

“Then what do you feel like eating?” Jessie moves the tray of snacks away and sits on the bed.

“Huh?”

“Dinner, an actual meal, what do you want to have? You need to eat something. You didn’t eat at training, and I’m suspecting you didn't have breakfast either.”

“I think I have some leftovers in the fridge.”

“I didn’t ask what you have, I asked what you want to eat.” Before you can protest further Jessie continues to insist. “I’m cooking, I’ll go get whatever you want.”

“You don’t have to do that.” You didn’t want Jessie waiting on your beck and call. That wasn’t her responsibility. You didn’t want to feel helpless, like you needed to be cared for or constantly watched over.

“I do, my baby is hungry, so you have to feed it.” She says poking your stomach.

You knew she wasn’t going to budge. Caring, and somewhat overbearing was how Jessie showed her love and appreciation, you knew that from being her friend, from being her teammate. You knew she’d do whatever she could for you and the baby.

“Fine. Pizza.”

“Homemade or restaurant?”

“Sal’s.”

“Say no more.” She fishes her keys from her pockets dangling them at you. “I’ll be back, don't move.”

The empty pizza box sat in front of the two of you on the table, you both stretched out on the floor, beyond full from the dinner.

“Oh my god,” you smack Jessie’s shoulder and crack a smile, “your pick is Kit?”

“It’s better than Nutmeg!” She looks at you defending her answer.

The two of you had been halfway through dinner when Jessie had turned to you and asked if you had to name the baby after a fruit what you would pick.

You looked at her like she was crazy, but you indulged her silly question. You’d picked strawberry, she’d picked tangerine.

You’d then posed the same question only with vegetables. She’d picked carrot, you’d picked spinach. The game had spiraled, both of you picking categories and fitting absurd “baby names”. You’d named the baby after states, and car brands, and now you were naming it after football terms.

“Uh, I know it’s silly, I know but I bought a Thorns jersey.” She glances over to her training bag that still sat in your doorway. “If you wanted to use it to tell everyone, unless you had other ideas in mind.”

“You bought a jersey?”

“Yeah, you want to see it?”

Jessie moves to her bag as you nod, she rustles around for a minute before pulling out the surprisingly small piece of fabric.

She hands it to you and you turn it over in your hands. You couldn't believe how small the shift was. You couldn't believe your baby was going to fit into the jersey one day. “You know they would’ve given you this for free, you didn’t need to buy it.”

“Eh, I didn’t want to give anything away by asking for it to be made.”

“I guess tomorrow before training, I’ll tell everyone.” You watch as Jessie glances at her watch at the mention of training. You match her action and raise your eyebrows at the time. “Shit, sorry, I didn’t realize how late it was, I didn’t mean to keep you so late.”

“Oh it’s okay, really.” She tries to reassure you, but she yawns, immediately covering her mouth. “Sorry.”

“Why don’t you stay?” Youre not sure what compels you to ask. Maybe it was how caring she had been to you all day, how shed handled your emotions flawlessly, maybe it was the lingering thought of kissing her from the other day. But she couldn’t know so you quickly add. “Just, its late, we both are going to training tomorrow anyway, maybe we get there early to talk to the staff before we talk to the girls? It just makes sense for you to stay.”

“Only of youre sure. I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

“It’s not intruding if I’m offering Jess.” You smile, handing her back the jersey. “And I’m offering, so please, stay.”

It was shortly after that you found yourself crawling into an already occupied bed. Jessie was laying, in your shirt and a pair of your sweats, watching you with an intensity you couldn’t quite place. Something between hesitation and admiration in her eyes.

“You okay?” You check in before clicking off the light. “Do you need anything?”

“No, I’m good.” You figured even if she needed something, she was too polite to say. Too polite to ask for another pillow or a blanket, or to say she’s too hot, she’d suffer in silence before she asked for anything.

When you lie down you can feel the stiffness between you. It’s your own bed but everything feels unfamiliar. Suddenly too aware of where your legs were, how heavy you were breathing, how loud it was when you shifted the pillow. The last thing you wanted to do was keep her up. Instead you stayed stiff, staring at the ceiling. Being able to sense your rigid behavior, Jessie reaches a hand over finding yours.

“Do you want me to go?” She turns onto her side to face you.

“No, no, stay.” You couldn’t kick her out now. You didn’t want to, despite how weird it felt to have her in your bed for non-sexual reasons.

“Then relax and sleep.”

“I’m trying.”

“Roll over.” She nudges her head at you encouraging you to follow her direction. You do so and then you feel her hand on your back. Her fingers gently trace patterns across your back. “Close your eyes.”

You do as she says and feel yourself begin to relax into her touch. “Goodnight Jess.”