#canwnt

It was no secret that Jessie avoided the camera like the plague. She hated being in front of the camera, often taking great lengths to avoid being on screen. “You don’t want to?” You guessed. 

She sighed. “It’s not that I … don’t … want to. But I don’t want to do it either.” She leant forward, resting her cheek on your thigh. You smiled sadly, moving one of your hands to smooth down her hair and scratch lightly at her scalp.

“Is it the usual photoshoot?” You asked, a small flicker of an idea forming in your mind. “Like standard media shots?” Your fingers stilled, and Jessie let out a pitiful whine. “Sorry,” you mumbled, picking up the movement again. 

“No,” she nuzzled your thigh, eyes slipping shut. “They want it to be a ‘casual’ one apparently. Like me just out and about. Me at training, me at match days. Apparently they’re doing a meet the squad type thing so I can’t even not do it.” 

With every word that she spoke, the idea grew more and more in your mind, it became clearer with each passing sentence, the lines sharper, the vision taking hold. 

“Can I ask you something?” Jessie sat up, leaning back to look at you probably. 

“Of course, bubba,” she said seriously. 

“I have an idea … and I want to know your opinion on something ….” It was your turn to be nervous now. 

“What is it?” All of her worries disappeared instantly, taking both your hands in hers. 

“They want a casual shoot right?” She nodded. “Obviously, we’d have to check with the club and stuff but … how would you feel if …” you swung your leg out to brush against hers. “What if I took the photos?” You waited with bated breath. “Obviously, if you don’t want to, I’m not, like, forcing you or anything and please don’t feel like you have to …” you rushed out, starting to ramble.

“Bubs,” Jessie paused. “That sounds …” you closed your eyes, waiting for the rejection. “Wonderful.” 

Your eyes flew open, gaze landing on hers immediately. She was smiling softly at you. “Wait, really?” You couldn’t help the small smile that danced on your lips. 

“Yes, really.” She rolled her eyes fondly. “It’ll be like old times.” 

It was true. Back when you had finally started dating, both you and her used to snap pictures all the time, your SD cards were filled with hundreds of photographs of Jessie, everything from a breakfast date to a hike she had dragged you along to, from her running around all sweaty on the pitch to her relaxing on the sofa, a mug of chamomile tea in her hand as she snuggled deeper on the sofa. Now that you had a job in media, where snapping photos and edits was the norm, coming home and taking ‘nice’ photos was the last thing on your mind. Although you still had thousands of selfies, ugly mugshots and cute pictures of Jessie resting in your camera roll to help you get through her trips away.

You were full on beaming now, wide and lovesick as you squealed excitedly. “I know you have to talk to the club and whatnot, I can send you a link to my portfolio to show them my work. And they don’t have to pay me or anything,” you babbled. 

“Bubs, bubs.” Jessie stood, cupping your jaw and angling your head back to look at her. Her fingers tangled in the hair at the nape of your neck. “Don’t worry about a thing. I’ll sort it all.” Her thumb brushed along your cheek. She leant down, kissing you softly. You hummed happily, hand finding her hip.

“I have a question for you now …” she whispered when you parted, her breath warm against your skin, forehead resting against yours.

“What?” 

“Will you go on a date with me?” Her voice was soft and full of love. Your heart fluttered at your words. You hoped this would never fade, the feeling of excited nerves that bubbled in your chest whenever you thought about Jessie. Was it possible to have a crush on your own girlfriend? You weren’t too sure but either way, you hoped this feeling would last a lifetime. 

“Yeah …” you whispered, sneaking another kiss. “Will you go on a date with me?” You asked back. It was a habit you had picked up right when you first got together. It originally had started out as a joke. You asked her out, even though she had already agreed to be your girlfriend, and she stumbled over her words, and ended up asking the same question back to you. Initially, she had groaned whenever you asked her, a blush rising to her cheeks, but now she couldn’t imagine you not doing it.

“Of course.” Jessie kissed you again. 

“Love you, J.” 

“Love you, bubs.”

By some miracle, they said yes. Jessie had said they were already thinking about outsourcing the shoot anyway and you would actually be doing them a favour. Within the week, you had a shiny new contract drawn up with your signature drying on the dotted line. 

The club had asked you to start with Jessie; they knew her well enough to strike while the iron was hot. They didn’t want her enthusiasm for the media to disappear. 

“Mornin’ bubs.” Jessie smiled, her eyes full of sleep, her voice still scratchy. She rolled over, pulling you towards her gently as she nuzzled her face into your neck. 

“Hi, J.” You pressed a long kiss to her hair. You hummed happily, inhaling the sweet coconut scent of her shampoo. 

“W-what’s …” she broke off with a yawn. “What’s the plan for today?” She mumbled into your skin, her lips brushing against your collarbone. 

“Nothing set in stone,” you carded your fingers through her hair. She sighed, snuggling impossibly closer into you. “I was thinking breakfast. Could make it here but do you want to people to see our kitchen?” She huffed, shaking her head. You chuckled quietly. “Exactly. So breakfast. And then we could go to the park? Have a bit of a walk around and stuff?” You moved your hand, scratching lightly up her back. You felt Jessie leave a kiss against your skin. “Then maybe get some ice cream?” You asked hopefully.

You loved ice cream dates with Jessie - always getting at least two flavours each and swapping half way. It was a tradition to go at least once a month, something sacred to the both of you. 

“As long as I pay,” Jessie mumbled, her voice deep. 

“Jess,” you whined. 

“Bubs,” she said in the same tone, raising herself up onto her elbows to look at you properly. 

“I planned the date, therefore I pay.” It was an argument that you had consistently. Jessie insisting that she pay for your dates, arguing that logically, since she earned more, she should pay. You countered her by always bringing up your agreement from your first date that whoever planned the date, pays. 

“But …” you could see she was trying to formulate her argument. “We’re only doing this shoot because of me. Therefore, it’s the least I can do.” She pursed her lips. 

“The photographs are secondary.” You rolled your eyes. “I’d want to go on our date regardless.” Your expression matched hers, both of you glaring at each other. 

“Please,” Jessie mumbled, her bottom lip jutting out. 

“J,” you whined again, closing your eyes against her pout. You were useless against her puppy eyes and she knew it. She knew you would fold the minute she started to widen her eyes and rearrange her eyebrows. “You’re being mean.” You threw your hands over your face.

You felt her rearrange herself, her legs coming over to straddle your hips. “C’mon, bubba.” You could hear the smile in her voice. “Let me be the gentle … woman? …” you giggled. “Let me treat my girl, yeah?” Her voice was closer now, you could feel her warmth against your chest as she lent down. “Let me treat you.” Carefully, she pulled your hands away from your face, lifting them up above your head and pinning them to the pillows with one of hers. “Let me show you just how much I love you.” 

Your heartbeat was thumping in your chest as you opened your eyes. She was awfully close, just a simple head tilt from you and your lips would be on hers. “Let me treat my good girl,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to the corner of your mouth. 

Your breath hitched in your throat as she started to trail soft kisses along your jaw. “J.” You bucked your hips. 

“Yeah?”

“Please,”

“Lemme pay for our date.” She teased, sucking lightly against your throat. You moaned quietly. 

“Not playing fair, Jess,” you whimpered, sounding utterly pathetic. 

“Oh, I know.” She leant back up, giving you a cheeky wink. “Let me pay, and I’ll give you what you want.” She raised her eyebrows, challenging you. 

You blinked up at her, trying to give her your best innocent expression. “C’mon, bubs.” You were thoroughly turned on, every nerve in your body alight with love and lust.

“Ugh,” you finally relented. “Fine.” She let a kilowatt smile spread on her face, her nose crinkling in happiness. 

“See,” she teased, “was that so hard?”

You rolled your eyes. “Can you make me cum now?” You countered sassily. 

“Milady,” Jessie smiled, dropping a kiss to the top of your head as she placed your drink on the table in front of you. 

“Thank you, baby.” You turned your face to her smiling, like a sunflower following the sun.

You very pointedly didn’t put your camera on the table, instead choosing to put it on the bench next to you. You could tell that she was still a little nervous about it. When you had looped it around your neck before you left, she had looked at it suspiciously, as if it was going to bite her or something. 

“So …” Jessie bit her lip. Automatically, your hand found hers, intertwining your fingers before she was able to scratch anxiously.

“So…?” 

“How does this work?”

“A date?” You teased, purposefully misunderstanding her. “I’d hope you know how a date works by now.” You sighed, taking a sip. She huffed, rolling her eyes. “J, baby.” You waited until she looked at you. “Forget about the camera.” You shuffled along the booth towards her. “We’re on a date, yeah? Just like old times.” You winked. 

Jessie took a steadying breath. “Just like old times,” she whispered, more to herself than to you. 

“Now,” you said, decisively changing the subject. “I have another instalment of work drama. Wanna hear?” 

She gasped. “There’s more.” Jessie smiled excitedly. She loved hearing about your work drama. It helped her stay grounded a little, made her feel more normal, a break away from having people recognise her in the street and her face plastered on the side of stadiums. “Tell me everything.” 

“Well, I told you about Matt, right?” She nodded, sipping on her coffee. “Turns out … he’sthe other man!” Jessie gasped, thoroughly invested in the story. 

You had spent most of the morning in the coffee shop. You could tell Jessie was more comfortable now, babbling away, arms waiving wildly as she recounted what happened with Sam at training the other day. You knew that you probably should have used your proper camera - your professional, very expensive and fancy camera - but you didn’t want to disrupt her flow, make her nervous again, make Jessie clam up and act all awkward in that way that you found utterly adorable. 

You had been tasked to get photos of the normal Jessie, the natural Jessie, the comfortable Jessie. Without really moving, you pulled up your camera on your phone, angling it to capture her laughter. 

You knew you had caught a good photograph without having to check. Sure, you would need to edit them, but you knew. It was easy to take good photographs of Jessie. Especially when she was happy. She was stunning, anyone with eyes could see that she was a beautiful woman. But it was something else. Her aura, the vibe that was ever present - shy, awkward, calm, intelligent. All things that you could just see in the photographs, even without actually seeing it. 

You were wondering through the park, hand in hand as you looked at the trees. The sunlight streamed through the leaves, the beams dappling on the grass beneath your feet. Instinctively, you held the camera up to your eye, snapping away. 

“Bubs?” Jessie called. She loved watching you in your element. She always had - even before you started dating, back when she had the biggest crush on you and felt like she was unable to do anything but stutter and stumble over her words. There was something about you when you started taking photos - the concentration on your face, the crinkle in between your eyebrows, the way you bit your lip as you lined up the shot. 

You hummed, turning to face her. “This seems like a nice place for photos, right?” She asked quietly. 

“It does,” you hummed, not wanting her to feel like you were pressuring her. “Do you want me to take some photos?”

“Only if you want to.” You rolled your eyes at the typical Jessie response. 

“J,” you said sternly.

“It’s pretty here.” She shrugged. 

“You’re prettier,” you said smoothly, smiling as her cheeks reddened. 

“Stop,” she whined. 

“Nope,” you stuck your tongue out, bringing your camera up to your eye again. “You’re so beautiful, J.” You called out, watching as her cheeks flared again. “Can’t believe you’re my girlfriend.” 

“Stop it.” She tried to sound firm, but couldn’t stop the laughter from bubbling through. 

“Am I not allowed to tell my incredible attractive, gorgeous, lovely, wonderful girlfriend that she’s beautiful?” You asked pulling the camera away. 

“No, you’re not.” Jessie crossed her arms over her chest, you took one final photo, capturing her raised eyebrow and pout.

“Oh?” You let your camera go completely, letting it dangle from the strap around your neck. You sauntered up to her, “And why’s that?”

“Because.” She tried to look confident and firm, but the slightest hint of embarrassment tinged her features. You knew exactly why she didn’t want the compliments - she didn’t take them very well, something that you knew all about and loved to exploit. You loved seeing her get shy and blushy over your words. Regardless of what it was - her game play, her appearance, her intelligence, or anything else you could think of - she was an awkward gooey mess. 

“Because …?” You were closer now, invading her personal bubble. Gently, you untangled her arms, holding onto both hands. 

“Because …” you could tell she was thinking of a reason. She laced her fingers with yours. “Because, I say so.” She nodded with finality. 

“Well,” You started to rise up on your toes. “I say … you’re beautiful.” You smiled before kissing her swiftly. 

You would love nothing more than to keep kissing Jessie, but you were hyper aware of your surroundings and her fear of being seen out in public. Not with you, never with you. She proudly showed you off whenever she had the chance. But she wasn’t one for complete displayed affection - hand holding, yes; Gushing to whichever one of her team mates had asked about you, obviously; a quick peck, sure; anything more, she’d rather wait to be behind closed doors.

“Ice cream?” You asked cheekily when she pulled back. 

“I’m paying,” she quipped, manoeuvring you to be by her side. 

“J,” you shook your head. 

“Nuh-uh. That was the deal, bubs.” She smiled that disarming smile. “I make you cum, you let me pay.” 

The shop was busier than you were expecting, a queue of people almost out of the door. “What do you want, bubba?” Jessie asked, pulling you in front of her and wrapping her arms around your waist. Usually, she wasn’t so open with her affection, but something in her just didn’t care. Not today. She wanted to have you close. She needed it. 

It was tradition that you always got one vanilla and one chocolate, to ‘cleanse the pallet’ as you put it once. You looked up to the board above you, leaning back into her warm body. Jessie looked at you as you studied the board. She was shocked by your beauty. How effortless you looked. How calm and relaxed. How much you loved her. She had been convinced when she took to Chelsea contract you would have called it quits. You both had a year left of your degree, but with everything being online, you had jumped at the chance to move to London with her. She had almost worried herself sick, yet there was something about you. You were so sure. So solid in yourself and in your relationship. Not that Jessie wasn’t the same. But with everything being online worry voiced, you had coolly explained it away - telling her exactly how and why that wouldn’t happen. It had been you that had encouraged her to look into moving out of London. You had seen how down she had been lately. Not her usual shy but sweet self. As soon as she had mentioned Portland as a possibility, you had looked into studio spaces and how best to move your little business over to the US. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was. She must have done something right in a past life to have you in this one.

“Love you, bubs.” She whispered in your ear, pressing a kiss to your temple. 

You blinked, shocked at her slightly random announcement. 

“Love you, J.” 

You were at the ice cream shop until almost closing. You spent hours tucked away in the bench by the window. You talked about everything and anything. It was something that had drawn you to Jessie in the first place. Conversation was never a struggle. Even with moments of silence, it was never awkward. It was the comforting kind of quiet that continued the conversation without words. 

You snapped a couple of ‘proper’ photographs for Jessie. One where she was laughing, her head thrown back, curls dancing around her shoulders. Another she was smiling shyly down at the now-empty ice cream pot, a blush on her cheeks, as she bit her lip. 

“J,” you called, catching her attention. 

“Yeah,” she smiled back at you, her thigh brushing yours. 

“Photo?” 

“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing all day?”

“Not of you, you spoon.” You teased, leaning into her, she kissed you sweetly on the top of your head. “Of us.” 

“Oh,” she cleared her throat. “Course.” She moved around a little, throwing one arm over your shoulder. “This ok?” She mumbled. 

“More than.” You smiled back, making eye contact with her through the camera. She leaned into you more, her cheek pressing against yours. You held the shutter down, turning into her and closing your eyes, a small lovesick smile graced your features. 

God, you loved her so much.

“Today has been perfect,” she muttered as she extended her hand to you, helping you out of your seat. 

“You have been perfect.” You stuck your tongue out at her. 

“Stop.” She whined, tucking you under your arm as you walked down the street.

What’s a tired person’s favourite exercise? Yawning! picture

Why did the lamp go to bed early? It was burnt out! 

Later that night you try to call Jessie multiple times, but she declines every single time, actively. After the fourth or fifth time she writes you go to sleep you seemed tired.

Irritated you glance at the message. “What? What do you mean? Did I play bad?”

Jessie bid her lip, holding back to cave in. “No, the picture.”

“??”

She didn’t answer you again

The next day was an off day for you, and you had planed a date with Jessie beforehand.

For the first time in months where neither of you had places to be or times to einhalten.

You waited in front of the small café, hidden in a quiet side street in the little village where your hotel is a few kilometres outside off a little on the mountain.

Five minutes fly past.

Fifteen.

Thirty.

It doesn’t seem like Jessie, she would never be late. It’s just not her.

You called, sent her texts. Nothing.

Despairingly you called Niamh, who was 100% at the hotel taking a nap.

Her voice deep, hoarse. “What?”

“I’m waiting for her, since 12 and no sight of Jess. Do you think something happened to her? She doesn’t answer my calls or messages.” You rattle, no breaths taken.

“No, that’s not like her.” She coughs. “I’ll try ma luck. Call you back.”

Thank you, Neve.”

A lifetime your phone vibrates and a picture of Niamh and you beams back.

“I couldn’t reach her.” Niamh voice small through the speaker.

You took a deep breath, the first one since your best friend picked up. “No, no… I can’t believe it, she’s miles away from home and something happened to her. I don’t even know where she is.”

Silence falls on the line.

Then, Niamh clears her throat, taking a shaking breath.

“Wait a damn minute…”

Niamh voice stops your train of thought. “What for?”

“You’re lying!”

Her eye rolling could be heard through the device. “No, I’m not.”

“Absolutely!”

“Y/N, no joke.”

“She doesn’t want to hear from me, she’s ignoring me. Tell me, now,” voice deep, all the concern you felt moments before washed away as you demand the truth.

“She said, she doesn’t feel well.”

“Still a lie.”

After seconds she denies, “no…”

“Well then maybe not the truth.”

“I cant tell you the true reason cause that’s something the two of you should resolve.”

Furious of the facts Jessie is mad and ignoring you and that Niamh, your best friends for over 10 years doesn’t tell you and comes to the Canadian’s defence that really grates on your nerves. “Fuck off.” You end the call, bristling with anger.

What could possible the reason your girlfriend doesn’t want to spent time with you and for your friend to not tell you the reason she doesn’t want to.

You trotted the way back to the tram which will take you back to the hotel. When you arrived lucy, Ella and Esme sat on the front porch, enjoying the sun, looking into the mountains laughing about small things. Walking straight past, you feel their glances on your back. Everyone knew you went to meet Jessie after a lifetime of calls and texts.

Barricading yourself in your room, blanket thrown over your body, shutting the reality out. Knocks echo shortly after through the air.

Then voices call after you.

“Y/N, what’s wrong?” lucy questions.

“Weren’t you supposed to spent time with jess?” Esme’s voice was muffled through the wood.

But you stayed silent. At some point they would leave you alone, hopefully. Minutes drag by and the scrapping of feet over the floor travel in the air.

Then followed silence.

Drowning silence.

Until you hear familiar footsteps. “Serious?!” her voice cuts through the air. “Y/N,” she knocks with force onto the wood. “open up!”

“NO!”

“I’ll break down the door.”

A groan escapes you as you stand up and open the door. Niamh stood there with a half-eaten biscuit. “Peace offer?” she slowly extends her arm so the biscuit almost crashes into your chest.

“I’m not even worth a whole?”

“Shut up and take it before I put salvia all over it too.”

“How do I know you didn’t already do?”

A mischievous smile spreads onto her lips.

You take the pastry from her and put it your mouth. “But I still hate you,” you say with your mouth full, trying not to drop any crumbs.

“Why me? Shouldn’t you be angry with Jessie?”

“No, I’m just hurt.”

She stays silent.

“She stood me up. Doesn’t answer my calls, ignores my messages. What did she say to you?”

Her eyes wander the room, avoiding you with her life.

“Neve, what did she tell you on the phone?!” heat travels through your veins.

“Well as I said, it’s something the two of you should discuss.”

“What could be this serious you shut your noisy mouth?”

“I totally understand her. Maybe it’s just the distance and if you tell her your plan everything gets better, but I kinda see her point.”

A look of puzzlement settles on her face. “I … I would love to clear things up, but doesn’t you get the part where she ignores me?!”

“I do.”

“Can you tell me what this is about, so I can start to change it and she’ll notice?”

“Maybe… maybe you should overthink your closeness to some on the team.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, like maybe some things, let them be reserved for Jessie.”

“Are you fucking serious? She promised me she’s fine with my nature of how cuddly I am with you.”

“Maybe not me in general. I like it, don’t get me wrong. Gives me strength, makes me happy, I feel wanted, you’re like a sister. I’ll miss it, truly.”

“With everybody its just like this. You’re my second family. I feel grounded with this closeness yet ill trade it for any minute I could get with Jessie.” Tears sting in your eyes and Niamh rushes over to you. Arms slinging around your shoulders.

“Oh, I know and I hope she does too.”

“Yeah.”

The next days you keep more to yourself and Niamh. When you pass certain players, you get questioning looks. The atmosphere around you got quieter, normally you were lively, fiercely. But you went inwardly. the semifinal game flew by, but you couldn’t feel the enthusiasm your fellow teammates hold. Jessie’s still distant your way and you try to ignore it. But your heart was heavy, not seeing her despite the few chances you could have.

You sat in the coach minutes before the hour-long travel to the stadium began. You sat at the window, the left seat still empty, still no sign of Niamh. Her perfume proceeds her and before she took the seat next to you, you knew who sat there.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“That’s a lie.”

“No?”

“Sure.”

Silence falls between you two.

“You’re ignoring me.”

“No. Just,” you stop, thinking. “Thinking.”

“About?”

“Nothing specific. Just things,” you fiddle with the scrunchy on your wrist.

“Tell me.”

“Lucy,” you warn her, voice tight. “Leave it be.”

“And if not.”

You rise from your seat and walk past her, down the aisle and took the seat next to Leah. Knowing she’s always quiet before games, thinking, getting into the tunnel.

Her sight falls on you and she asks without words.

“Please don’t,” you mutter as you lean your heads on her shoulder. Her body under you moves as she shrugs.

“You seem off,” the captain comments. “Are you good?”

You shake your head.

“Are you getting sick? You shouldn’t play if you don’t feel well.”

“I’m good,” you whisper.

“But…”

“Leah, I swear, please shut up.”

“Okay, okay,” she assures you.

Then you close your eyes, “thank you.”

Standing in the dug out your thoughts are running, still circling the same topic. You found her during warm up, sitting next to your parents, deep in conversation about everything under the sun. you know how your parents are, always enjoying spending time with Jessie, they love her, always interested how her games went, practice or asking about her parents. A little smile grow on your lips as you reminisce. Jessie didn’t notice you at first, but your eyes burn holes into her skin. Nimah pocked your side and brought you back to reality.

When the net rustles after Mariona sent the ball pass Hannah your heart sunk down your body. You went to her from your position in the midfield and tries to cheer her up despite your own turmoil. With the deficit you went into the changing room at half time. Before you disappeared into the tunnel your gaze met Jessie in the stands and she presents you a small smile, hope bubbles in your stomach and you stood an inch higher.

The ball was glued to your foot as you make your way down the midfield, slaloming past the Spanish player. Passing the ball to Ella on the wing you run further into the Spanish half. When the ball was back at your feet you don’t hesitate and shoot at the goal. As the ball rolls from the top corner diagonally down along the net you throw your arms up in the air. Lucy was one of the first arriving at your side, she pulls her arms around your hips and lifts you up towards the sky. You felt inexorable. As if a mind on their own your eyes wander through the faces until they land on Jessie again. Her lips pressed together as she nods once.

Odd.

The game went on and reached extra time. After millions of tedious runs back into your own penalty box and forwards again you see lucy hobble back into her position. You supported her with the fast Pina. But at some point, the older player couldn’t move on. She sat down on the grass, and you kneel beside her.

“You good?”

She just shakes her head, reaching for the hem of her shirt and pulling the fabric over her face. You wave for the medics.

“What happened?”

“My shin. I cant it hurts so much.”

“It’s all right. Better to substitute.”

“No!”

“Lucy…”

The referee gestured to her to leave the pitch, and the medics help her onto her feet, and you aided her side so she could relieve the pressure from her bad leg.

“Y/N, go. They need you more than me.”

 “Shut up. You’re incredible, old lady.”

She flips gentle against your cheek. She entangles her arm from your shoulder, and you slowly retreat yourself backwards back to the game, one corner of your mouth pulled up. Lucy couldn’t move on and Niamh was switched into her place.

After the whistle disturbs the celebrating atmosphere, the hard truth hit you. Penalties.

Beth first try was invalid cause she slipped and touched the ball two times. The second try was deflected by Cata Coll. Ass she came back to the team you pulled her into your side and pat her on the back, encouraging her.

Patri converted her shoot on the goal.

So did Greenwood.

Hannah saved the penalty from Mariona.

Before Niamh went to the spot you whisper motivation to her on your left side. “Go girl. You’re marvellous. I believe in you. You can do this.” With a powerful shot, she send the ball into the left corner. The net rattles and you scream at the top of your lungs, clapping. “Yes Niamh! That’s my best friend!” she takes her places at your side again and you rock her with your arm around her shoulder.

Aitana’s shot was also saved by Hannah, pride taking its room in your chest as you watch the young goalkeeper bloom.

Next up was Leah, you shut your mouth tight. She hated when some of the team shouts towards her when she walks to the spot. But still, she couldn’t convert the penalty btu you still lead the sheet. You’re determined to go over to her once the penalty shoot-out is over.

Spain’s shooter couldn’t convert their penalty as well.

Now it was your turn to step up. You take four steps backwards, taking a deep breath in and a longer exhale. Your steps begin slow and then you accelerate, banging the ball under the crossbar into the left corner and the rest was history.

Everybody comes running towards your as you take off to the English stand. Arms outstretched to the side. Niamh was the first to reach you, she runs so she’s ahead of you and pulls you into an embrace, stopping you both in tracks. “What the hell, this penalty where do you took the strength?”

You shrug your shoulders and she moves to your back and jumps onto it. You carry her the rest of the way piggy bag.

__

You thought she would have left the stadium by the time the team moved the celebration from the pitch to the changing room. But as you walk around the corner you see her standing there leaning with her shoulder on the wall talking to Niamh, her back facing you. Naimh gaze meets yours and she shyly smiles at you. Placing a hand on jessies shoulder, saying one last thing to the Canadian before heading to the changing room.

Jessie slowly turns in her spot and lifts her head, her face coming into view as her cap raises with the movement.

“Hey,” your voice almost betrays you.

“Hey,” she whispers back. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

There you were face to face after days of almost radio silence.

Silence fills the air but the unusual awkward, nervous silence.

“You were astonishing.”

“Thank you.” Your sight falls on the floor, and you scratch the floor with your pick.

You wanted to feel her arms around you. Her reassuring, rhythmical heartbeat. Her fingers scratching your head, rubbing circles on your back.

She cleared her throat and your eyes fall back on her.

“Can we talk…” you take a shaky breath, “please?”

She nodded and turned around analysing her surroundings. “Let’s take the first aid ward.”

Silence fills the space between you again. The distance feels further than when she’s back in America.

“You’re always smiling at her.”

“Yeah? That’s what you do in a conversation? You smile.”

“Not like this,” she sights. “Forget it, it’s stupid.”

“You’re annoyed. Why?”

“No.”

“You are.”

“I’m not!”

“Wait are you jealous?”

“No… no. why would I be jealous?!”

“I don’t know that’s why I am asking. Why are you acting the way you did …?”

“Because we used to do all these things together!” her voice grew louder, anger audible. She took a breath, shuddering. “Sorry, interrupted you. Carry on, please.”

“I tried to reach out to you, I called, I sent texts, but you ignored me.”

“What was that the last days? Since she’s at Chelsea, you’re all over her like I don’t exist or something.”

“What? Who?”

“You know who.”

“Lucy?”

Jessie nods.

“But why does it bother you so much, it’s exactly how I am with Sammy and Niamh.”

“Now you’re not.”

“Of course.”

“No, because you don’t look at Niamh like she hung the stars for you or at Sammy like she holds the secret to a perfect life. You’re glued to her, on the pitch, off it, you’re never letting her out of your sight. Sam and Niamh always share stories about your game nights or anything besides practice and matchdays. And it’s always Y/N and Lucy here… there and everywhere. And I tried to live with it, to overlook it, ignore it but if you don’t love me anymore, please just tell me because I can’t let you rip my heart out.”

“I tried to give her the feeling she’s at home, not left out. After years living in Spain, I thought shed a hard time settling back into London weather and the culture. Give her the same feeling she gave me a decade ago as my first call up happened.”

“Well, she’s a grown woman. I think she could handle the move alone.”

“Yeah, maybe but her girlfriend is back in Spain, at first, she her apartment made troubles, her neighbours were noisy cause she’s a star. I offered my place for more discretion. Nala her dog, was still back in Spain until she settled in. only a few blocks away from each other, we drove to practice together and all those small things, friends do.”

“Things we did. Before our relationship.”

“Do you hear yourself speaking? We know each other 2018 when I was this little, naïve youth player who was given the chance in the national team. She’s eight years older, experienced. She took me under her wings. Lucy is like a big sister to me, helped me through a lot. Helped me with you!”

she give you a questioning look.

“My feelings. I didn’t understand them cause you were my best friend and I never felt like this and I was so confused and lost. She helped me figure it out and how I could ask and all this.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry I made you question my intention or actions with her. That you don’t trust me to tell me. I’m sorry you feel insecure in our relationship. I love you, with all my heart, to the day I die. I’d leave everything and everyone if I could have time with you. I wanted to surprise you but… but the last days were torture for me and I…I had the worst fears and scenarios play in my head.”

“I’m sorry. It was childish and I treated you like trash, it was unfair. I think the last shot was dedicated to me,” she chuckles. A sound you thought you never would miss.

“kinda,” you join her.

She offers you her hand and you gladly take it. Her warmth travelling from your fingers further into your body. Relaxing your muscles and nerves.

“What was my surprise? If I’m still honourable to know.”

You squeeze her hand. “Can it wait until I showered? Got it in my bag.”

“Did you looked into the future that this would happen?”

You roll your eyes, “duh.”

She shoves your forehead gently and you show her your tongue, scrunching your nose.

“I love you.” Jessie inches closer, giving you time to retrieve from the gesture but you pulled her closer, so you could taste her further.

“I’m forever sorry I made you feel like I”

“Shut your mouth and kiss me again. I fucking missed you.”

[2022]