hold your breath

Ok, so,

I’ve always had an extremely bad body image and low self esteem (along with crippling social anxiety but that’s a whole other story). We won’t get into why blah blah childhood trauma. 

Emotional eating was a big part of this and I’m sure you can imagine the cycle of salef hatred->eat->quilt/shame->self hatred->eat etc. Started dieting at age 10, started purging at age 14. This method helped me maintain my weight but I never dropped (I was at a healthy weight btw, even if my habits were the opposite of that). At 16 I lost a ton of weight due to a severe depressive episode and just literally not caring enough to eat. I was underweight, unhealthy, never exercised, never went outside, on the verge of passing out most of the time. But I liked the way I looked. Sometimes I thought I could stand to lose more. It wasn’t the best time for me.

Then when I was 17 I tried to kill myself. Life kind of sucked for a long time after that, but I started treatment, got on medication and going to a therapist. My eating went back to the way a person should eat. Failed my matric (high school), went to a multi-course accademy and moved out of my parents house at 18, but my roommate was never around and I was really lonely and sad. Moved back in with my parents, who I don’t have a good relationship with and my depression got the better of me. I started the emotionall bingeing again but was unable to purge anymore because of a massive haitus hernia (caused by my bulimia) that made it incredibly painful for me to throw up. I gained almost 30kg in a year. 

In April 2019 I tried to kill myself again. I got put into a long term treatment programme (for depression and social anxiety, not specifically for an ED), which I began in the beggining of May. Meals were planned specifically and we had to exercise 5 days a week. I lost the weight I had gained and was the healthiest I’ve been since before puberty. 9 months later, I came home in Feb 2020. Unfortunatly I’ve had to stay with my family including my very emotionally abusive step father. In my country we were put on a mandatory 3 week lockdown, and today it’s been extended until the end of April. Being bored and also stuck with my family 24/7 has brought on my old habits. I’m trying really hard but a lot of the time I end up crying in the kitchen at 3am eating everything out of the cupboard. I don’t want to go back to the way things were, not after working so hard.

I really need some help, trying to resist the compulsion to eat isn’t working and I can’t exactly go to my therapist during lockdown. Any tips would really help me out.