Its been years since I’ve done this. Since I’ve put my words into thoughts and written them down. My life took the biggest turn. Recently I’ve hated my life. I’ve hated me. I’ve hated every single thing. I admitted all my faults to him. I admitted the people I met when he wasn’t here. The things I did before he came back. And he ran with it for a while. I felt so guilty for everything I did. To know he did it times two. But he still can’t let it go. I was supposed to wait for him and only be his but he made me leave. He chose someone over me. He supported her financially. In the same place we used to live. Where we brought our child home. And only every time he told me he didn’t love me anymore. That he didn’t care about me anymore did I do something. He destroyed so many parts of me. And then blamed me for how I handled my life. I love him but I also hate him. Cause it’ll never be more than this. It’ll never fix itself because he’ll never change. I learned how to grow the fuck up. I learned how to get over it. Because that’s all you can do. Move on and keep going. But the ironic thing is, I loved him more than he loved him. I saw past all his flaws. I saw past the anger that used to make me lose weight. I saw past the answer that used to leave holes in walls and broken things. I saw past the anger he’d give me verbally. I saw past the silent treatment. But all he saw was how I reacted to it. He only saw my depression come out because he put me there. He only saw the way I tried to end my life because it was “traumatic” for him as he was telling me life ends anyways and pills and therapy wasn’t going to change that we all die. He only saw the way I talked to another guy yet forgetting he was with another girl. He proposed to me to feel more secure to me. He had a baby with me to “shut me up”. I didn’t hold a gun to his head for anything. And all the times I wanted to leave he’d stop me. He told me to stay. He didn’t want me to go. But then after a baby and a whole miscarriage it was easy? Did he stop and think damn maybe she was broken? Did he stop and think fuck why’d I let her go? No he didn’t. He fucking destroyed every loving bone in my body. I was so fucking nice back then. I had so much love for people and life. He fucking ruined that for me. I stopped being a lover girl. I stopped feeling. I just started surviving. And I’m still just surviving. He doesn’t care that I cry all the time without him. He doesn’t care that I don’t eat. He doesn’t care that I’m struggling with money for him. He only cares about himself. He acts the fucking victim. He thinks that I’m a devil in disguise but hasn’t looked in the mirror.

Truthfully though, I’m miserable. I have to wonder what he’s going to bring up today. I have to wonder if he’s gonna be nice or rude. I have to wonder what side I’m going to get. Or I’m just going to get completely dumped and kicked out of his life in some way. All cause I wanted to celebrate his birthday with him. Ironic. Maybe if you actually see your son more than 1 time every two weeks you’d feel like a parent! Maybe if you would actually let shit go and not act like a little victim you’d be further in life. Life has fucking destroyed me and killed every part in me but I keep going. No matter the mood. No matter the heartbreak. No matter anything. I kept it going cause life didn’t stop for me! Life kept going. Life didn’t care if I was heartbroken. Life didn’t care if I didn’t think I could get up in the morning. Life really couldn’t give a shit. Life kept going.

I feel like I can’t afford any more out of life. The economy has destroyed me. It’s destroying everyone but my pay stays the same. I’m negative every month. I need a second job but I’m “not allowed” cause guys will want to do things with me there too. But you’re not my man? But you want me to move in to save money? Like I cannot catch a single break.

What do you do when the person you love most tells you “I’m never going to be happy” when you thought you gave them as much as you could. And it hurts because whenever I see my life without him I don’t see a life.

This is what I see for myself.

I see myself never sleeping, staring at the ceiling, staring at the water. Staring at the road. I love driving when I’m sad. I love driving as far as I can till I can breathe again. I see myself wearing his clothes. I see myself with his shirt on my body, the ones that are too big for me and look like a dress as he says. I see myself with my hair dirty and oily. I see myself crying every time I brush my teeth or brush my hair. I think about how bad I’d smell. I think of the showers I wouldn’t take. I think of the holes in the room surrounding me from myself and probably a broken hand again. I see myself quitting my job. I see myself leaving if he told me to stay so we could figure out where I’d live. I see myself just taking whatever I could and hiding from him. I see myself hiding from everyone. He’s never abused me I don’t want anyone to think that. But hiding because I couldn’t take the pain. I see myself driving as fast as I could. I see myself taking some type of pills. I see myself fading as I’m driving from those pills. I see myself fading. I can feel the pain in myself that I felt a year ago. The pain I felt when I tried to do it the first time. The time he made me stop. I don’t see myself anymore. If I’m not sleeping I wouldn’t eat. If I’m not eating I wouldn’t have anything but medication in my stomach. I’d be broken. I’d be broken because the only person to put me to together is the person who can tear me apart. All it takes is one thing to bring me back. All it takes it one thing to push me away. Once I lose him I don’t see myself.

Once you put your all into someone for 3 and a half years and get ripped away from it what are you supposed to do.

How do you get up and pretend you didn’t wear the ring? How do you get up and pretend you didn’t love their family? How do you pretend that you’re not completely shattered? How do you do it? How do you continue to cry even though there’s no tears? How do you breathe? How do you think? How do you continue.

I don’t think I would continue. I’d pick bad habits. I’d probably cut myself till I was raw. I’d probably take every pill I could buy at the store. I’d let all my money run out. I’d driving my car as fast as I could till it went out of control. I’d be forever broken. And if he brought me back because he felt bad and not because he wanted me, I’d break all over again.

Now my question is, who’s going to notice when I’m gone? Because if he’s the only person in my life, he would know but he wouldn’t know. He’d feel me leave. But maybe he does love me the way I love him. But why is it that he’d survive without me. He’d live without me however I couldn’t live without him. Maybe I’m too attached. But maybe just maybe I need to be attached. Because I don’t think this world needs me but I sure hope he needs me.