Housewife Diaries

I was in bed last night, thinking about how my mood swings affect my relationship with my husband.  Granted, we don’t have many fights.  He is an easy going guy, temperamental at nonsensical stuff usually but never at me....that is unless I give him some sort of “attitude-y” response.  

I get it, getting attitude for no valid reason is annoying, but we are all human, and if we cannot allow our feelings or natural emotions out to the safest person we have, well....whom to?  I usually do not give attitude intentionally, it slips out however, whenever, and I have no control over it.  It’s always after the fact that I realize, “I’m being a moody bitch, I wonder why?”  Usually, it’s around my beautiful feminine nature.  I can’t help that (insert laugh here).  

So, lying bed at night I was feeling a little frustrated at my spouse.  He will take a slight attitude and make an event of it for a day, and even though we seemingly get back to getting along, there’s a tad feeling of resentment from him.  I can feel it.  I can only question why he takes things so extreme from such a small thing,  I guess if I say sorry, perhaps that would erase it.  Sorry for being annoyed and giving small attitude about you buying too much ice for our small freezer.  I know it’s not the end of the world.  What I feel, is that he can be annoyed, I accept that...but what I wish for, is for him to not be angry all day about it.  He can easily step back and think, “well, she is annoying” and move on from it, because he is right.  If you point it out, then okay...I accept that I overreacted.  You walk away quietly and I feel silly, and we both move on.  AfteralI, we hardly have things to fight about. 

Which brings me to the next thought.  Why am I so afraid to allow my natural frustrations or emotions come out?  You would say, because he hates it and doesn’t respond well.  I would say that too. What I argue is that if we cannot express ourselves to the person we love the most, or feel safest with....what’s the point?  Small stuff....in the grand scheme of things, when 97.5% of the time we get along great.  I wonder though, if it’s because I am too easy going, too eager to be pleasant, likable, a nice wife, a calm wife, a drama free woman?  If so, why?

Reasons that started cumulating in my head about my childhood came flooding in.  My dad was a macho controlling abusive man.  My grandmother would punish me unfairly.  I have a previously failed marriage.  I have a very strong willed, aggressive mother in law.  What are the reasons that make me who I am, as a person, wife, and mother?

It’s been a long while now since I have written down any thoughts on this app. I opened it up again and read a few of the old ones and had a few giggles! Glad to be back again.

The reason I came back is because yesterday something happened that broke my heart a little. It broke my heart and placed fear in my heart. Nothing huge, nothing real, but just a sample of horror.

There’s this huge craze going on right now, Pokemon Go. Oh yeah, you know it and/or know it but don’t want to know it, know it. My husband being the video game freak, but not a Pokemon fan- joined the craze because somehow it’s not as lame as the card game (it’s the same concept! Lol!). So he thought it would be a great idea to take a walk with the boys after dinner, and usually our summers consist of evening walks a few times a week. This time we were going to walk and collect Pokemon creatures! My seven year old was excited!

Boy, it was a long walk, I think it was almost two miles but towards the end of our round about, we ended up at the park close to home. My four year old, Benji, got on the jungle gym and my seven year old wanted to grab a creature nearby, so he and my hubby walked on. I said “I’ll wait here” while my Benji played in the jungle gym. He played with the rotating maze for a few minutes as I sat there watching him, then he went to the slide, and slid down. I said, “be careful with the babies at the end of the slide Benji” and assumed he heard me. He steps off and started running toward the toddler sized jungle gym, so I jump off the ladder and go follow him. Then I heard it…. a cry of terror all mashed up with hurt and panic. A cry I didn’t recognize because it wasn’t my son, I knew for sure. He ran past a couple of kids and I assumed one of those kids was crying, so I just kept walking towards Benji. Until I got closer and noticed those kids weren’t crying, their faces were happy. The only kid left was my Benji, but all I could see is him running towards and then past the toddler gym. I see only his little body, his back facing me. I shout, “Benji! Benji!” At this point I am about 10 feet away, and he turns around and sees my face and just stops dead in his tracks with his beautiful greenish eyes wide with fear, full of tears, face with sadness. I knew immediately what he thought had happened. He thought we had left him.

He had no idea I was right there, letting him enjoy the playground. I assumed he knew I was there. I assumed he heard me say to be careful with the babies. He didn’t know. I picked him up with words and hugs of reassurance, and lavished kisses on his head. I told him over and over that I would never leave him, that it's my only job in this world, the most important job- to take care of him. He quickly calmed down. Then dad reassured him once we caught up to him.

We made it back home with a sleeping child in our arms. Emotion took a toll on him. We took turns holding him all the way back home, probably half a mile. Our usually heavy child didn’t tired me, or dad because we knew we had let him down somehow. To have accidentally allowed him that moment of fear and panic, was horrible to us. We have a thirteen year old, and a seven year old…. It hadn’t happened before. We haven’t lost our kids, or they lost us. To imagine what terror other children have felt or lived for more than a few seconds was heartbreaking to me. To imagine kids getting kidnapped. To imagine kids getting lost; worse yet never being found. To imagine the worse possibility of them all, parents not being able to protect their kids from harm. That truly terrified me. I hope to never fail them. I hope that this never happens to my kids or anyone else’s kids.

Im a stay at home mother. I have three boys ages 12, 5, 3. Everyday my day is different because duties and errands change. Sometimes I want to go to Costco, sometimes I don’t feel like it. Occasionally I have important “I have to!” moments, which I hate. After I take the kids to school in the mornings, I have about 5 hours to squeeze chores in, cleaning, errands, shopping, exercising, and that includes the toddler interruptions or feedings or demands he might have. Dinner is always made after kids get home. My husband says, “Get up earlier and exercise.” I roll my eyes, I am exhausted every night and I am not an early riser. I don’t want to wake up earlier to exercise. Am I the only one?

Needless to say, I sometimes do not wash laundry in time, or fold it in time. So right now I have two loads of unfolded laundry to put away in our spare bedroom. As I sit here folding it, I go back to last night where my husband yells from the bedroom, “I don’t have anymore underwear?!” Not so much a question but a statement. Yup…. Just enough to get my steam going! What do you mean “I don’t have anymore underwear” as I mimic his not nice question. I know very well he is implying that this happens a lot? Which the folding of laundry and putting it away maybe, but to have clean underwear… Well, that hasn’t happened hardly (okay, maybe once or twice). HOW DARE HE?!

So, as I try hard not to get angry because it is the end of the night and I am tired. All I want to do is crochet, on my butt, on the couch, sipping my tea. while I hurry and finish washing dinners dishes, packed his lunch for tomorrow, I try to cool off. Then go grab a clean pair from laundry pile in the room, I walk it to him in the bathroom where he’s using the toilet before his shower, I open the door and say as calmly as I can, “Here’s your underwear. Next time you can ask nicely, "hey babe, can you get me some underwear please?” “Instead of (again I mimic him in a weird not like my husbands voice at all manner). Boom! I walk away. Too bad he’s funny, and ruins my temper tantrum with a comeback, says "I don’t have a lisp.” Apparently, my imitation of him sucks.

That’s how easy it is. That’s also how easy it is for emotions to go wrong. This situation wasn’t a big deal but sometimes us wives have short fuses. Remember husbands, appreciate your wives. For you know not the day she had.

On a plus note, hubby sent me a sweet appreciation note the next morning. Love that man child!