I AM STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS

I am feeling very sad just now. I don’t like myself very much and I’m really struggling. And I’m scared to be struggling because I’m supposed to be progressing. I genuinely hate myself some days, I just feel like a big burden. I just want to pack a bag tonight and run off to a place with no people in the highlands and just be there and nobody has to deal with me. I’ve been isolating myself over the last few months and I just don’t ever want to see anybody. I’ve been feeling more and more anxious recently and I always feel like there’s a big weight on me. I’m struggling to talk to people. I’m not sleeping, then I’m sleeping too much, I’m eating too much, I just hate everything. I’ve been keeping this all in too because I just don’t want to give people yet another negative thing. Just really wish I wasn’t here just now or I could stop time til I felt together and everyone including myself would probably be better off for it.

wish a wis deed

I want to be happy, I want to be stable, I want to feel fulfilled, I want to have clarity, I want to feel strong, I want her.

I think I’ve actually lost part of my sanity, I feel like a different person right now and it’s actually scaring me a bit.

My period has finally kicked in after a week of waiting and having random cramps for half an hour thinking that was it coming but then having it go away again. I’m so sore and so sad and I feel sick and I just hate it soooo much, I just wish I never ever had to have one again. I wanna be spooned and have hot water bottles stuck to my entire abdomen/back. Ughhhh.

I am seriously fucking unhinged today, this time of year has been so bad for me, my head is just on a repeat loop video of me ending things like I don’t want to be alive today because I can’t cope with all of these fucking feelings that are coming in and consuming me it is too much too too much and I hate myself and I hate everything and I feel like all my insides are twisted and tangled to the point of breaking today

Oh wow I woke up in such a fuckin dark dark place today, I don’t even wanna be here man my chest feels like it has barbed wire wrapped right around it

I thought I was okay but now I’m having a panic attack. Why did everything have to get ruined why did everything go to shit this year everything I loved n everything thT made me happy, I was the happiest of ever been in my whole entire life and now I’m empty

It’s gonna be the first Hogmanay in 4 years I’m not gonna get to kiss her at midnight and I feel really weird about it.

I am like, so due a festive breakdown but I dunno when it’s gonna come so I’m just like permanently on edge hoping that it’s not today. Praying I can get through work tonight and thankful I’m only in for a few hours. Praying it’s not tomorrow. Praying it never comes. I can’t go back there again, i can’t, I can’t believe I ever was there, I can’t do it again, I don’t think I’ll be able to pull myself out this time. I just wanna not exist really. I wanna be held. I want everything bad to go away cause I can feel the darkness creeping back in and I’m nowhere ready for it.

I have no idea how I’m even gonna survive this Christmas.

This is without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I honestly wonder where in life I’d be if I just liked myself a bit more. If I had confidence. If I didn’t feel so worthless and unworthy all the time. If I didn’t always feel so small around people. I always feel so small. I wonder who I’d be. It’s followed me my whole life like a big grey cloud above my head n I just wish I felt good enough sometimes and actually believed it. I just feel like nothing next to everyone else. Imagine being confident, what on earth must that feel like.

I’m scared my life is running away from me.

In a bad place this evening, I hate my body so so much like I feel like the worst thing in the world n I keep doing things that are bad for me and I just look and feel horrible. I’m trying so hard not to but I definitely hate myself a bit, I wish I could just change everything about me.