My health. My life. My Summer.

Walking- Treadmill for 45 minutes at a pace of 3 mph, with rolling hills. (level 7)

Tabata- 2 minutes on the elliptical

I was 135 pounds about a year ago, and now I'm working to get there again. And it's hard. I keep catching myself say "I should have never let this happen..." or "how did you let yourself gain back 10 pounds?"

But, I know exactly how I gained them back.

By spending hours in the library studying to ace a test while eating nothing but chips and soda. Going on dates with my boyfriend to Noodles, and ice cream after. Eating popcorn when I see a movie. Catching up with a friend while baking cupcakes. Working on a campus that only has fast food places to eat.

ALL THOSE THINGS THOUGH, were fun. I enjoyed every minute of it. Studying hard got me my high GPA. Not being picky about where my boyfriend and I went on dates made for a better time. Popcorn always makes a good movie better, as does homemade cupcakes with a friend. And spending hours of my life in a basement eating fast food because I was working hard while being broke got me great job experience.

I can't beat myself up for these 10 pounds. (Now only 5 pounds, actually.)  

I've always been hesitant to trust my scale, it's old and wonky and if you push it around the bathroom floor it tells you a different number. I push it around until it starts saying the same thing.

And last week, before my trip, it was saying 139. 

I went home-home (where my mom lives) and she has a real weight scale, which cannot be wrong. I got on it, butt naked, to compare my scale at home...

and it said I was 144.

Fuck me! I thought I started at 144, and now her scale is telling me I'm now at 144??? 

That just didn't make sense. I know my body, and my body was not at 144 pounds. But my sister's scale said I was 142. I have no idea what to believe.

Now, a week later, and a week after eating pure junk on my trip, I weighed myself at the gym...

and it says I'm 139.

Who is screwing with me here?

I'm just going to use the scale at the gym for now on. Fuck this noise. 

actually, I'm leaving in my car.

On a road trip to San Francisco!!! With my mama, to go see my sista.

If I were going with friends, I'd expect each of the 4 pounds I've lost to come hurdling back on with every box of snacks we consumed on the 16 hour drive. 

But my mom and I are on very similar "diets," and at 50-years-old and 125 pounds of lean muscle, she will keep us both in check. 

but I did end up eating dinner.

I hadn't felt that hungry in a very long time, I'm use to eating long before I ever reach the point of stomach gurgles.

I weighed myself this morning, and I was 139 pounds, meaning I've lost 4 pounds since I've started focusing on my health again (two and a half weeks ago). 

The one I have left unattended for two months, while staying at my boyfriend's for the majority of that time.

At least, according to my wonky scale.

This week was finals week, which means no time to care about anything else except for ridiculous amounts of school related things. 

So, I didn't make food. I just bought semi-healthy things and ate them whenever I got the chance. Lots of strawberries (on sale), and cheese, and lattes. 

Today I had time to make a BELT (bacon, egg, lettuce, tomato) on really quality bread, and it tasted so good and felt so good.

I can count on one FINGER how many good friends I have made in the last four years of college.

That's right. One.

She's the best, and I love her and I can't imagine college without her. But I would love to have more than just... her. A single person.

I was expressing this realization out loud a few minutes ago, and my boyfriend said, "well, you've got me..."

Which is also true. I did also meet the love of my life in the four years I was here, which I wouldn't trade for 100 greatest friends.

And I also have my mama, and my sister. Those two aren't going anywhere. 

but how do I make more good friends? Ones who I can sleepover in the same bed as them. Ones who will go out with me on the weekends, or stay in with me. 

PEOPLE TO INVITE TO MY WEDDING OR GRADUATION PARTY.

When I cut out white flower for a few days, and then eat it again, my system gets all bubbly and unhappy.

And now, about 30 minutes later, I'm realizing that it was definitely not decaf. 

My arms feel weird. I can't focus my eyes on my computer screen. I have this urge to go run around in the rain.

A complete day of following my eating rules

A pound lost

When I exercise

I've got about $6 in the jar as of today. When I reach $45, I get to open all the pretty underwear I just ordered from Arie :) Although it is already here, and I already spent the money on them, I can't open the package until I get to $45.

According to my scale (which can be wonky certain days, but I shuffled it around the bathroom and weighed multiple times) I'm down to 141.

I skipped dinner a few days ago to try intermittent fasting, and I really liked it. I was a little hungry, but I'm really starting to learn the difference between just wanting to eat because it's (insert meal here) time, or wanting to eat because I'm fucking starving. 

I even woke up the next day not hungry. I had a glass of milk, which woke up my system up a little, but I didn't really eat until lunch. 

Or hurting me?

I don't want to obsess over food, or my weight, or how I look. I got away from that a long time ago. I still care, and I do want to think about my health in every decision I make, but living the entire day thinking about what you are going to eat and what you're going to write about on your health blog... kind of defeats the purpose.

I'm on day three, and I think my obsession is starting to calm down. These first days have been hard to get through, as my stomach has been grumbling for cupcakes and chips, and I've been having to tell it no. 

But this third morning has been a good one. I wasn't starving when I woke up, I already feel less bloated, and I'm leaving the house in shorts. My cravings for bad shit have calmed down, and I'm not thinking about it every second of the day like I have been.