and presto!!

this right here?

You have a side blog dedicated to throwing hate at pan people, like me

And then you come in the comments and say it's because of your metal breakdown?

I don't get how these two are connected to each other? Please explain this to me

I have severe depression, internalised homophobia and am still able to differ between my feelings and throwing hate at other people.

I really wanna understand this

maybe "mental breakdown" wasn't the right word. i'm not sure what was the right one, so i just used that.

i have a wall of text for background info, so i'm unsure how to "tl;dr" it...if you want a shorter version tho i might be able to, but i'll keep the more important parts in bold.

so look, i'm sorry that i hurt you like this. i'm sorry i hurt everyone. none of this justifies my behavior, but i'm glad to try and give you some context. i just made the account today and mass reblogged everything. and i may have not worded it right. so i don't know how to explain it well but my mind has a tendency of going from one extreme to the other. the best way to describe this is if my moral compass were to be spinning like a ceiling fan. i have no idea how this phenomenon happens, some of it may be rooted in "trying to look cool" but it makes me look like total idiot in the end and sometimes i don't tell people because it makes me look like i'm belittling their problems or justifying myself/putting myself in a positive light when i'm fully responsible for what happened. i don't want to use my condition as an excuse, but maybe looking into the condition will help me. the only things i'm diagnosed with are autism and adhd, but i don't know if any of autism is part of the feeling or a whole other thing that passed the radar.

in fact, i used to ID as pan too. i don't even know if i still do anymore or not. everything just feels like a blur nowadays. i'm still leaving in as much details as possible

it all started back a few months ago where i made a post about things that BaBs said but it got traction and i deleted the post due to the attention exclus were giving it. even to this day i get invisible notifications about it (when the bubble appears with a "1" or a "2" but there's nothing there). i even argued with someone about the debate to the point of getting blocked once. i realized that was pretty stupid of me to do since it kinda collapsed my mood.

fast forward and we go to this week. i wanted to "look at both sides of the argument" since my taste in things got dull over time. i started getting into the psychology of "if a question doesn't have an answer, the side asking it is right" (which looking back now was a little stupid of me considering other people know more about topics than me and i shouldn't be jumping to conclusions even if i can't answer them).

then i questioned the labels on a chatroom (discord server in specific) and got warned, (which looking back at it any interpretation of the two labels is valid if they don't harm one another) so out of blind rage i started going to everywhere and making a hissy fit about the label, leading it all back to tumblr. and then i hurt your feelings along with several others.

i've lost friends this way before, so this incident is absolutely not the first time i've made a scene and went on a harassment spree. because of this, i'm always in the mindset of wanting to help people for a change, but never actually getting to it. whenever i lash out like this, it makes me think that i really never changed from back then. i'm not even sure if that's false anymore. and sometimes i tell my self i'm human, i'm bound to make mistakes. but maybe i'm just like the rest of them (people who say they've "changed for the better" but haven't.)