DREAMS AND HONOR

Okay, he probably shouldn’t have introduced him to it, because that startled the heck out of Zack when he heard Sora howling behind him.

“Ack–!”

After the brief flinch, though, the man grinned as it better registered who it was and what they were doing, and Zack turned on his heel in order to grab onto Sora, scooping him up into his arms.

“Hey! You’re not puttin’ enough oomph into it! You gotta throw your chest in, like this!”

Concern glittered the older teen’s eyes as he watched Cloud start to unpack his clothes to put on for the night. He knew that the younger teen’s roommates could be rowdy – but it was the dark circles that made Zack watch him carefully, in case of any signs of… Well, anything else.

        That mark had always been a curse of some kind, it didn’t take Cloud many years to realise that. His father had been the one to tell him of how his marking meant that someone special was out there waiting for him, told him that he’d enrich that someone special’s life once they finally found each other. However, Cloud had nearly gotten someone he believed had the same mark as his own killed when he followed her up Mount Nibel.

        He’d tried everything since, scrubbing, peeling off the skin, purposefully dragging his razor over the mark firmly and cutting the skin. It was always there though, always healed exactly the same, showed through every wound.

        Enrich someone’s life? It wouldn’t have been the first time his father had been wrong about him. Cloud couldn’t enrich Zack’s, he couldn’t do anything for Zack but ruin him. He had a good mind to run, spring up from the bed where they were sat and into the bathroom to claw the skin off of his wrist but–

        Zack took it. Brought his wrist close and let his thumb caress the mark as if his touch could soothe the pain it had been through, the look he gave his wrist mirroring that sentiment with how soft it was.

        Cloud breathed, shimmering blue eyes softening as he relaxed slightly, watching as Zack bared his heart to him. Zack clearly didn’t understand how dangerous Cloud was when it came to love. “There’s a difference between wanting and being… But, either way, I don’t want you to be weighed down by this.

        ”Some people say it only means that our lifestream energy was spliced from the same rope. It doesn’t mean anything of soulmates since we’re all connected via the lifestream anyway…“ His gaze averting from Zack, bringing his wrist back once more so he could cover it with his own hand. "Besides, you have so much ahead of you. I don’t want you to hold yourself back for me, over some stupid popular theory.”

        A popular theory that Cloud clearly believed.

It worried him, honestly. Seeing how raw and red that skin was, seeing how Cloud seemed to flinch and pull away -- it made Zack really worry. Wrists don’t get like that on their own. And with Cloud being so skittish, and with Cloud being the way he was, how well Zack knew him... It was obvious that despite everything Cloud was saying to him that this had run him ragged, and for someone who believed that it was ‘stupid’, it kept him up late, it had him crying, and here he was, still heaving from the emotional weight of it.

Soulmate or no, Zack didn’t like the way Cloud was talking to him. And he really didn’t like the way that the boy pulled his wrist so he couldn’t see it anymore. Quickly, he reached out, grabbing that hand again.

“Cloud.”

He stopped him, faced him. Because he knew what Cloud was really saying underneath that undercurrent of ‘it’s okay’, ‘it’s a stupid popular theory’, and ‘I don’t want you to be weighed down by this’.

‘I don’t want you to be weighed down by me.’ 

“I don’t think you understand me. If I was gonna consider any of this, at all... I’d only do it for you. Do you think that means nothing?”

Because surely it had to mean something that he knew he would’ve ignored it if it matched a girl, and yet when it matched Cloud he found his heart reverberating in his chest and he couldn’t get it out of his mind. Surely it had to mean something when it broke his heart to see Cloud denying it, pulling away from it, wanting out of it. Surely it had to mean something when it ripped him to shreds on the inside hearing Cloud talk about himself like that. Like he would be a burden to him.

Because Cloud wasn’t. He never would be. And Zack never felt so sure of anything in his life.

Ever since he’d been young, Zack was taught that the mark on his wrist would indicate the one person he was meant to be with. The lifestream dictated the best cycle of life -- and the best cycle of life was predetermined the instant someone was born. It’d been two years before he earned his mark, but once he did, he had admired how it’d look, and he’d been so busy doing that that he paid scarce attention to the deep words passed onto him by his mother and father. Telling him what he was supposed to do, where he was supposed to go, who he might be with. They’d told him to check the mark with anyone he met, but for the most part, he decided not to. After all, it was just a mark, right? Not something to think about so seriously, and even the few people who did manage to convince him, he never matched.

It’d been like that throughout his life... Throughout his life until he met Cloud. There was just something about him that drew him, sucked upon his life force, and he needed to know more about the boy. That spurred him on to draw closer and closer, until eventually they came to this point with the two of them sitting down on a bedside, comparing wrists.

And the marks had been exactly the same.

The thought...scared him. If it had been with a girl, he probably would’ve shrugged it off as superstition, but with Cloud it was different. He didn’t know how exactly, and that just made it even more nervewracking. So he said what he did. He apologized for it turning out this way. That he was bad at soulmates, bad at keeping with people; he’d kissed girls, he’d run around on adventures, and yet...

... When he saw those marks, it’d been like something clicked into place. Like suddenly, the world made sense, and questions he didn’t realize he’d asked had been answered. And Cloud, well... The thought of Cloud being his soulmate wasn’t that bad, if he really thought about it. He kind of wanted to see where this led. What the lifestream destined for them.

His heart, then, got stuck in his throat when Cloud sniffled, coughed, and absolved him of any need to do anything for him. To love him, to stay committed to him, to be his soulmate... And ironically, seeing the suffering that Cloud endured, seeing how horribly he hurt himself over this, made up Zack’s mind for him.

He reached out, gently brushing his thumb over that mark, a mark that Cloud obviously tried so hard to rub out, a mark that he wanted to soothe with his own fingers and bring to life like it was supposed to. Like they were supposed to.

So it’d come to this, then, huh? Zack had been checking his wrist one night and -- well, there it was. A name, and it wasn’t that ridiculous pseudoname that Squall went under, either. It was a name that he found looked stranger and stranger the more that he stared at it, and the more and more that he wanted to wipe it away. It didn’t make any sense to him; why would the cosmos and worlds above, why would anything, related to the Kingdom Hearts or otherwise, choose to bond the two of them? A vague lost memory in his case and a man who was thoroughly dedicated to his little trio in the other, and it seemed as if neither of them would be able to slot. If anything, Zack was completely convinced that all he managed to do for Squall was drag him down and annoy him.

He’d been staying with the lot within Radiant Garden, which meant that it didn’t take him long to find Squall; he assisted some with the repair effort when he had the time to. He tapped the guy’s shoulder, and thus he started the conversation because he knew better to put this shit off, only for Squall’s response to come in and some annoyance to flare up within Zack’s stomach.

“Find someone else -- I don’t need this in my life.”

Um, excuse him? Find someone else? I don’t need this in my life? Did Squall honestly think that Zack was laughing along and dancing around in daisies himself? Granted, he put on a smile and granted, he flirted with Aerith and various other girls within Radiant Garden, behaving as if everything was nothing because it was easier than admitting it was scary not knowing a damned thing about his identity, what he was supposed to do, and where he was supposed to go, but Squall sure as hell wasn’t making this easier when he wouldn’t even talk to him about it.

Turn his back, shove him away, and Zack’s teeth gritted. He’d been maintaining a smile earlier and laughed about it, but Squall’s attitude was really beginning to get on his nerves.

Of anyone, Zack hardly expected him to get a mark. Really, his lifestyle never suited it -- he wound up with girls, it was one night, and then he left, and with him being SOLDIER on top of that, that was perhaps for the better. After all, something could easily happen to him out in the battlefield and what would result from that? A broken heart and mind and he would leave it behind and... Well, Zack didn’t want to do that. To anyone. It was easier with these women because they knew that it would be no strings attached. No one believed they would meet someone to be their forever in the middle of a bar, after all.

So, when he did actually see it... Admittedly, his reaction hadn’t been the most pleasant.

No. Not me. Anyone but me... 

And the worst part it was the very last person he wanted to be soulmates with: Ｃｌｏｕｄ.

Oh, it wasn’t that he disliked the guy. Quite the opposite; with everything else taken into consideration, he’d be the very last he wanted to tear apart with this. With this mark, with their strings of fate bound together, Cloud deserved his forever-person to be someone who would be guaranteed to stay with him. Not him. Not with a womanizer, not with someone who could die on the battlefield at any point, not a man who fought every day with no promise of returning home...

And yet, Zack couldn’t exactly pretend the mark wasn’t there. He couldn’t scrub it out. Trust him, he’d tried.

So, this led to him picking himself up with a sigh and marching on over to Cloud’s dorm late at night, hoping that his roommates would not be there and would instead be getting drunk off their asses at a bar somewhere in Midgar. And thankfully, that did turn out to be the case. Good. He didn’t want them in on this serious discussion that he needed to have with him.

He’d tentatively knocked on the door, something different for Zack, and when Cloud opened it up he tried for a comforting smile, something optimistic so they could simply work through it. Don’t overthink it, just laugh it off, maybe it was a mistake. Maybe Cloud had someone else’s name embedded in his wrist, and Zack would be fine with that outcome. After all, then it meant that the boy needn’t be tied to him. He could be tied to someone who could better love him, better be there for him, in general be better for him than Zack ever could be.

Unfortunately, he found that not to be the case. And the worst was what Cloud followed it up with upon finding it out.

“I’m not good enough for you. This is wrong.”

Words pinching sharply at Zack’s heart, and he’d been fully intent on laughing everything off and suggesting that they need not follow fate so closely, but once Cloud said that... He couldn’t respond like that anymore. Couldn’t ignore Cloud putting himself down like that. Couldn’t ignore the gentle soul believing the worst of himself when Zack knew he was simply the best, the beacon of light within the dark, someone who didn’t deserve to be dragged down by any of this shit.

        Cloud had thought it was pretty sad, but gods it sounded sadder coming from the usual cheery Zack. Of all the people in the world to be alone, Zack didn’t strike as one of them with how lively and friendly he was. Cloud would have thought there would have been many women in Zack’s life to keep him occupied over the holidays, but instead… It was just him. Not much of an achievement, but Cloud would try his hardest.

        He failed at absolutely everything else it seemed, so maybe for once he could succeed in making someone feel comfortable in company.

        “Ready when you are, sir!” That ‘sir’ was playful as Cloud didn’t stiffen up or salute, but instead smiled and slipped his hand into Zack’s to lead him along. He had no idea where to find trees in Midgar, but who cared as long as they were together?

Zack honestly expected to catch Cloud entirely off guard with that -- but when the boy responded with an affirmative, he wasn’t exactly going to complain. As Cloud slipped his hand into Zack’s, his own hand tightened around his; while Zack didn’t exactly voice any kind of negativity much, he couldn’t help but be incredibly grateful that Cloud was willing to spend this holiday with him, rather than holing himself up to study as was per the norm for the blond. Perhaps he could convey that without making an ass of himself through the touch itself, fingers interlaced.

“Whoo! Okay, let’s go!” He was already beginning to tug Cloud along outside of the Shin-Ra building, making their way out into the main square of Sector Eight. Surely they would have some fake Christmas trees on sale there somewhere. He could go over to the fountain and use that as a starting point; Zack was still seriously in danger of getting lost. Sure, he was better for city life than country life, but he hadn’t examined the city long enough for him to really confidently say he knew his way about it.

        “You don’t have a tree?” It was going to be Christmas eve soon and Zack didn’t even have a tree? Okay sure, neither did Cloud, but Cloud lived in a tiny shared apartment, Zack had his own flat! He’d probably been busy too, since he was SOLDIER and Cloud wasn’t, but Zack just seemed like the type.

        Cloud could see Zack decorating as soon as November hit, could see him being the first to wake everyone up on Christmas day. So it was almost sad thinking that Zack hadn’t done any of that.

        “I’m sure we could… Can we go and get one? We can decorate it together.” And eat sweets and sing and just be happy. A rather rare want for Cloud who constantly believed he didn’t deserve happiness yet.

“Nope. Been too busy to get one. An’... Well, y’don’t really think much about Christmas when you have to spend it alone.” Oh. That turned out more somber than Zack had thought it would when it left his lips. He kept his smile broad -- he didn’t want Cloud to feel bad for him. After all, he was going to be spending this holiday season with him anyway, right?

        That was a good question, where exactly would they go carolling? Midgar was an entirely different place compared to Nibelheim, it was on a whole other continent after all. Did people even carol in Midgar? Clearly Zack had heard of it, but Gongaga wasn’t all that far from Nibelheim compared to Midgar.

        “Back home we all used to gather in the village centre and sing, but I suppose that doesn’t really happen in Midgar…” Unless everyone gathered around the ShinRa building which would be a bit strange. “And just carolling on the doorsteps of our fellow SOLDIERs doesn’t seem like something they’d enjoy… Maybe we should just stay indoors and sing Christmas songs together.”

Well, that was certainly true... They couldn’t just walk up to the doors of the SOLDIERs. Zack would, but he wasn’t about to drag Cloud into trouble for a prank. If he was going to do something like that, he was better off going about it entirely by himself, rather than having Cloud take any brunt of the blame. Sure, it was just caroling, nothing that serious, but still...

        Somewhere in his mind Cloud had been expecting Zack to say he had plans, despite how the older teen had already made out that he wanted to spend time with him. Because why would a first class SOLDIER want to spend time with a lowly infantryman like himself? Surely they were others much more fun who could keep up with Zack, who weren’t lacking in energy and skill like Cloud was.

        So that affirmative that hit hard, left Cloud slightly speechless and staring up at Zack with a slightly red face and parted lips. “Thank you too…” Was the awe in Cloud’s voice too heavy? Probably. “We could go carolling, if that’s a thing people do here… Maybe not in costume, unless you want to. I think you’d make a cute reindeer.”

Why would he want to spend time with Cloud? Well -- for one thing, Cloud was overthinking it. For another, Zack had already been nice and cozy with the boy before then. Why wouldn’t he want to spend time with Cloud would be a better question to ask, because the former just seemed so obvious.

        Considering everything Squall had experienced in his life, someone with amnesia was rather normal actually. In their crazy world, who wouldn’t end up suffering from amnesia after a few too many knocks to the head by heartless and everything else that was out there. Even Squall himself couldn’t remember most of the details from the traumatic events like Radiant Garden’s fall and all that were lost during that event, but that had been many years ago and there was no way this man had been wandering around since then.

        Squall certainly couldn’t remember him from his childhood anyway, despite that rather familiar sounding name.

        “… That sounds more normal than most other things I’ve heard.” Still, Zack wasn’t getting anything more than Squall’s stormy eyes staring at him. “This is Radiant Garden, a kingdom that fell nearly a decade ago. Does that ring any bells?”

Radiant...Garden...

Zack pursed his lips. It -- almost sounded familiar, except... It was the kind of familiar in which he’d heard the word before, but he didn’t quite know what it meant, almost as if he’d heard someone use it in a sentence before but he had never bothered to ask its definition. His eyebrows screwed together, though it did nothing to ward off the potential headache beginning to squirm about his scalp in his attempt to remember where he’d heard it before, and he bit down, fingers tensing...

“... I don’t know,” he finally concluded with an unhappy sigh. “I feel like it should, but...” He shook his head.

The sunny smile came back; he must’ve had a habit of pretending that things didn’t bother him as much as they should. It did bother him that he remembered nothing. Not his family. Not Radiant Garden. Not anything. But -- he didn’t want to pester someone about that. Or burden them. Especially not a man who gave him an answer without any hint of suspicion.

        Good!

        Well… Not really, it was kind of sad still, even if it was the answer Cloud was hoping for.

        “That’s kind of what I came to ask actually…” He voice somehow got even quieter as he stood before Zack, twitching and shuffling nervously. “I can’t go home either… So I thought, maybe, we could hang out together over Christmas and New Year? If you haven’t planned to spend it with anyone else here that is.”

With the sweet face that Cloud gave him, how could Zack ever say no? Not that he would have intended to -- as soon as it was suggested, Zack didn’t want anything more than that.

        (I don’t even know you. Why would I tell you something personal when I’ve never met you before?)

        So the typical Squall Frown™ didn’t seem to work on this man, perhaps Yuffie had already gotten to Zack first and told him untrue things like Squall was a huge softie who loved puppies and kittens or something– Not like he didn’t like those things, but he wouldn’t be surprised.

        Thankfully, Zack’s questions gave away the game that Yuffie hadn’t been near him yet. Nor had anyone else from Radiant Garden, which gave Squall the grand task of asking who this man was and what he wanted. A task he didn’t particularly want to do when he was busy with reconstruction plans.

        “Some of us. Who’s asking?” I was pretty quiet in general when there wasn’t too many people around after all.

This man was definitely few on words, wasn’t he? Even the one answer he gave him was probably five syllables long. Five. Syllables. Was there a way to get this guy to talk to him more? If he was going to figure out anything about where he was, he certainly had to pry more information out of him.

... Although in hindsight, maybe asking about his scar first wasn’t too conducive to that kind of plan.