A letter from delusional girl
The moment I saw you I felt it. I don’t know what it was, the look in your eyes, your smile or attention you gave me. I just knew I wanted to be close to you from that moment on. It’s stupid looking back but I really felt for you the moment I saw you. I started to notice how were you dressed, I loved this skater vibe. I noticed the tattoo peeking through the sleeve of the T-shirt and I wanted to see all of it. I felt extremely nervous every time I spoke to you, I just wanted to look good in your eyes. I started to look for you in the crowd and hoping our eyes crossed.
And for the slightest moment they did. I saw you looking at me and smiling, I saw you approaching me as much as I did. As if our paths were meant to be crossed. For a moment it all clicked, for a moment you got so close to me, I thought that was it. Our conversations were the only thing I was looking forward to in the day. I felt safe, I felt understood, I felt like there was no rush because it was going to happen anyway. In a way this start felt really healthy yet delicate at the same time and I was just so excited to see what would happen next. I started to imagine how it would be like for you to hold my hand, hug me, kiss me. I felt so happy and so sure.
And then one evening everything has changed. I suddenly was not the only girl you talk to, I was not the only girl that made you laugh. Nothing happened between us so I had no right to feel jealous, right? She was just a friend you talked to, I also had different friends I spent time with. So why did it feel like my heart was breaking? I decided to just step away because the last thing I wanted to was to get hurt by you. From that moment on everything has changed. It started to feel awkward between us, we could not find a common ground. I felt so hurt only because you had a conversation with different girl, I know it is fucked up, you did not owe me anything and I just felt too much. Maybe it didn’t mean anything, maybe it meant something. All I knew was that I would not get myself tied up in this situation again. And it worked for some time, I focused on different people, I focused on having a good time and you seemed to have a good time as well. I knew I was just faking to have a good time, I still looked only for you in the crowded room and I saw that you looked for me as well. Or maybe all of it was just my delusion? Maybe you weren’t looking for me? Maybe I didn’t mean that much to you? Maybe right after that when I sat next to you because that was the only seat left and you momentarily moved closed to me like nothing happened before was also my delusion? Maybe you were just being friendly and I just read too much into this situation?
The only thing I know is the fact that it made me feel really shitty. It made me feel stupid, like a delusional girl chasing after a guy that does not like her. Like I needed to act well to earn a slightest amount of your attention. All of the people around us knew, all of them were sure I fell for you, and it made me feel even more stupid you know. Your hot and cold act made me appreciate the smallest, stupidest things you did for me. My words cannot describe how pathetic I feel right now, how I wish I acted differently, how I wish I knew the whole fucking story. One puzzle piece was needed for all of it to make sense for me you know. A puzzle piece with your girlfriend with it. How could you have missed it in the conversations we had? Was I so unimportant for you that you didn’t even care to mention that? Was I just a toy you played with every time you felt like it?
My friends kept on telling me that maybe you just did not feel it, maybe I just felt harder, maybe for you I was just the friend. Maybe you were not leading me on, but why did it feel so real from the moment I met you? Why did you keep coming back every time I tried to keep my distance?
You don’t owe me anything because nothing happened, we just talked. I have no right to feel heartbroken but I do.
You made me feel like a delusional, worthless girl who will do anything for a guy to like her.
2087
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