sunflowers in the rain

       for the first time in several hours, alex feels comforted. distancing herself from everyone had posed to be more painful than she thought and finnian’s demeanor had a calming quality. it was also reassuring that he didn’t seem interested in prying into her current emotional state or the root of the band’s issue. alex was well aware that there seemed to be something between nick and finnian, her protective nature coming out when it came to the latter. unlike her band mates, alex didn’t feel too strongly about dating amongst the group. they were adults and catching feelings seemed inevitable given how close they all were. however, she’d be lying if she said that nick’s paranoia didn’t have her wondering if he might have had a point. 

“i really wish i grew up in the mountains like the pacific northwest, y’know? i should be loyal to the east coast but the west coast seems more my thing.” her thoughts were starting to become spacey, a hazy grin popping up ( for no real reason at all ). “i coughed a lot at first, too. it takes some getting used to.” her head turns to look at him when he asks his question, humming in thought as she mulls over a cohesive answer. “well, different strains do different things. smoking is different than eating it. i’m sure you know the basics.” alex waves a hand, not wanting to dive too far in case she crossed a line. “i think it makes me sharper, y’know? more energetic because i can relax. food tastes AMAZING. music feels like i’m on vibrate but in a good way. there’s nothing like playing an electric guitar when you’re high. it’s almost euphoric,” she muses. “if i smoke at night, it’s indica which makes me sleepy but i don’t use it too often. which is why i’m usually awake with ni-“ she stops his name from leaving her mouth, immediately taking her final hit instead of finishing the sentence. 

saved by the sound of waves, they had managed to walk the few blocks and arrived at their destination. she finds them a rather secluded spot away from hoards of tourists and she unpacks her back of carry-out. “if you ever wanted to try it, i’d be more than happy to supervise. i won’t judge you if you cough, either.” she’s only half-joking, nudging him in the side. if finn was curious, alex would be the perfect candidate to share the experience with. not wanting to seem like she was pressuring him into it, she simply cracks open a food container and starts digging in.

Finnian hums thoughtfully at her comment. “I could see that for you,” he says. He can, easily, the image of an Alex growing up in the area Finnian himself had called home throughout the years he was in college, the way she’d fit into that environment like a glove. He kind of felt like she could fit in anywhere she wanted to, though -- maybe that was the difference between the two of them. His eyes are gazing out at the sky, unfixed on anything in particular, when he quietly adds, “I wish I grew up somewhere else, too. I don’t know where, just... I don’t know. It probably wouldn’t have made a difference.” He regrets the words the moment they’ve left his mouth; they feel far too heavy. He makes no move to take them back, though. He feels like it’s something he can trust her with.

The way she stops herself from saying Nick’s name hurts in more ways than one. Finnian’s always been empathetic to a fault, and it kills him to see people he loves so much hurting, especially when there doesn’t seem to be anything he can do to fix it. He wishes he could. He just feels so helpless. It makes him uneasy knowing how upset she and Percy are with Nick, too, even though he knows they’ve got every right to be. He may be a little lovesick and far more eager to forgive the shit Nick pulls than anyone else seems to most of the time, but even he knows that Nick messed up. Part of Finnian wants to try talking to him about it, but a bigger part of him feels like he doesn’t know how to talk to Nick at all, most of the time, even though he wants to. He wants to talk to Nick about everything, all the time, and he’s still trying to learn how to be okay with the fact that he can’t, that Nick will never want him to.

    nick was all too willing to remind him of the conversation if need be. despite the overall consensus that it was a terrible idea, he would ignore it. damned the consequences. he was chasing the rare sensation of feeling any bit complete. right now, finn was the closest he could get to it. “different ? that I can be. I can be whatever you want.” it rang true that nick was different from anything finn had been used to. a sharp knife to cut through every edge of finnian’s softness. with the definitive sound of the laptop closing, it was obvious the decision had been made. nick could never burn alone, bring those around him down just the same. therefore nick wasted little time before leaning in and crashing their lips together in a hard and messy manner. with such passion he pushed finnian’s small frame back onto the couch. finally easing the tension that had come to a head. heavy breathing filled the room as nick pulled back just enough to mumble against his lips, “that conversation.”

     * ! she immediately shakes her head, giving him a reassuring smile. “you don’t have to ask permission. just don’t let anyone see them if they don’t approve of my bad habit.” it was obvious who alex was talking about, not wanting to mention his name right now. finn witnessed nick and alex’s typical arguments in the group chat, usually playing a role as a mediator between the two. unlike now, the bickering in the group chat never went that far. this time, the tension between alex and nick didn’t allow room for someone in the middle. truthfully, alex was worried that anyone who dared to try might SUFFOCATE and she didn’t want anymore bad blood because of her.

 “it does, huh? i love the beach but there’s not many in philadelphia. feel like i’ve been missin’ out most of my life.” to be fair, alex felt that way about most things. the band had opened her up to new experiences, new cities and the ability to surround herself with new people every night if she wanted. she didn’t enjoy entertaining the idea of what she would be doing if she hadn’t joined the band years ago. it would probably be MUNDANE and monotonous, just like her life prior to thieves. sometimes alex realized that she should be grateful that her life was simple prior to the band. however, it made her feel small and sheltered. the only adventures she went on before the band were sneaking out of the house to go to the skate park or some awful house party that she was technically too young for. 

taking finn’s words as a cue to walk, her feet move in front of the other. the beach was just a few blocks away so it wouldn’t take longer than a few minutes to get to their destination. taking another hit from her joint as they walk, she can’t help but laugh at the mental picture she’s suddenly created of a blissfully high finn. “have you ever smoked before? if so, your secret is safe with me.” 

“I won’t,” Finnian promises with a small smile of his own. He’s always tried his best to avoid upsetting Nick as it is, at first because Finnian had admittedly been a little intimidated by him, made skittish by how easily angered Nick seemed to be. But Nick very rarely turned that on Finnian -- he always seemed like he was making a concentrated effort to assuage those worries. After a while, it had worked, only for Finnian’s feelings to swing wildly in the opposite direction instead. He wonders if Alex would hate him if she knew about his crush, since she and Nick are fighting. He figures it’s probably better if he keeps it a secret from her, just in case.

Once she starts walking, he easily falls into step beside her, his camera gently bouncing against his hip with each step. “I was a few hours from the beach, too. Growing up. We didn’t go very often,” he says, his voice getting a little softer at the mention of his childhood. He doesn’t talk about it very much with his friends, mostly because there honestly isn’t that much to talk about, and the parts of it that might be are mostly things he doesn’t really want to think about too much.

       the thought of dealing with this for several more weeks is playing in the back of alex’s mind and truthfully, she isn’t sure if she can tough it out. lately, it seemed like nothing she did was RIGHT and between the usual stress of touring, the additional layers of stress were starting to accumulate. the entire situation was messy but she was trying to save face for the sake of the band. who knew if there was any patching it ? even alex ( who was almost always an optimist ), was starting to feel the gray cloud looming overhead. what if things didn’t get better after all ?

she couldn’t help but put the joint back to her lips, letting the smoke fill her lungs as he speaks. being courteous, she blows the smoke in the opposite direction, feeling a little more at ease when she does. “you don’t mind, do you? the smoking, i mean. if you’re against it, i’d be more than happy to ash it.” finnian was arguably the kindest in the band and that made alex feel slightly protective over him. even if she was in the middle of the drama, she would never let him see her slip or do anything to make him uncomfortable.

despite trying to sell it with a smile, alex knows that finn isn’t okay. he never handled the band’s disputes well and given the size of this one, nobody seemed to be coping with it. “i’m hanging in there. i’m REALLY excited for toronto.” her excitement existed because of the city, no longer looking forward to playing a show while the band was on such rough terms. “i was about to have a little picnic on the beach. care to join me? it would kind of suck if i was alone and despite having the munchies, i still can’t eat all of this on my own.”

When Alex turns her head to exhale the smoke, Finnian lifts his camera without even really thinking about it. Alex is beautiful and always makes a good model, but more than that, there’s a certain romance to it, the smoke drifting past her lips, the way her hair is falling just so, the warm evening sunlight. Even the melancholy that seems to be hanging over both of them like a heavy blanket, so warm it’s stifling. It’s only after the shutter has snapped closed that he realizes he probably should’ve gotten permission. “Sorry -- I should’ve asked,” he says as he absently winds the film with his thumb. He can’t exactly delete the photo, either. He’ll get rid of it once he develops the roll if she wants him to, but he’s a little excited to see how it turns out. He loves the mystery of film, the anticipation of putting a used roll in the tank and, like magic, mixing it up with the developer and the stop bath and the fixer until he can see the memories that still stuck in his head translated to tiny negatives. He’s got a few rolls in his luggage waiting to be developed already, and plenty more waiting to be used. He pulls the camera strap over his shoulder and lets it fall to rest at his hip. “I don’t mind if you smoke, though. Really, it’s okay.”

Sometimes he thinks that people are a little like that. Opening an undeveloped film canister to the light will just ruin it, turn the whole thing black and unusable. But, treated with the proper care, it’ll develop into something special, even if there’s a thumb in the way in a few of the shots.

    the faint click of finn filing through the photos was the only thing to be heard, but not enough to distract him in the least. completely forgotten as he gained a newfound interest. so painfully obvious in the way nick had glanced at finnian’s lips, noting the small smile, and just how kissable it was. “I can’t blame you, being around the team can be a little exhausting. I’m sure you would like to escape from me too … occasionally.” bodies pressed together, that fairytale spark was never present for nick, only a hungry need to get his hands on someone. in this moment, he wanted finn. so although he shouldn’t, he did. leaning in as a smile found its way to his lips, charmingly so. “is that conversation we had on your mind ?” his lips hovered over his, not allowing them to touch. nick had to play this with care, thinking through every movement. a long moment passed before he allowed himself to ease the tension, pressing a small and teasing kiss to the corner of finn’s mouth. nick had never shied away from a hook up, especially when his body was buzzing as it was. good idea or otherwise.

      nick wasn’t one to appreciate the art of photography. not much outside of drums interested him, a flaw he had never outgrown. still, he nodded, almost involuntarily agreeing to the offer, as his body leaned over, his weight pressed against finn’s side. “yeah, sure.” his eyes narrowed as he focused on the laptop screen before him, unsure of really what to look for. “you really came here alone just to do your job?” he couldn’t help the frown that returned, brows furrowing at the idea. nick knew the group would prefer for him to leave finn alone, far away from his trouble. but, he couldn’t help but feel the need to corrupt their photographer. just ever so slightly, with the gentlest of care. feeling his body still in a restless state, he adjusted on the small couch. “sorry, I can’t sit still.” mind wandering elsewhere, it didn’t take long for his eyes to drift from the screen to finn, looking over his features in the faint light of the laptop. given previous conversations, it was likely a bad idea for the two to be alone. alas, it only made nick want to stay all the more.

       finnian had chosen to opt out of their usual after-show celebrations, his presence obviously missed. not the loudest of personalities on tour, but was still one to be noticed. nick felt he had intruded on a rare and intimate moment. someone in their natural habitat, so different from his own. one that was innocent and silent, under nick’s watchful eye it almost presented as a predator watching its prey. but that is how he often felt around finnian, a fragile luxury not to be touched, not by someone like nick, anyway. but even he wasn’t so heartless as to remain emotionless at the sound of the sweet voice coming from across the bus. the corner of his lips upturning into a smile, only to be cut short by the suddenness of finn’s reaction. one that had caught nick by surprise too, causing him to step back. “sorry, I was just… I’m not really in the mood to be around the others. sometimes they can really kill my buzz.” sometimes riding the high of a show was to be done alone, but for finn he could make an exception tonight. without much thought or hesitation, he invited himself over to the couch, limbs spreading out to make himself comfortable as his body finally found the time to rest. there still remained an up and down motion in his leg, repetitive as his body continued to harness the adrenaline coursing through his veins.  “do you mind if I hang out here?” finnian would likely never turn anyone away, but nick asked anyway.