Book Of L’s

Maureth: Welcome tis all to Maureth! The Lords of MansWildin have laid amid the bosom of the same maiden. Her once barren belly has transformed into a castle for a young prince. The question that raises is: who doth bust inside her walls? Let's welcome DollyDouche!

*audience claps as DollyDouche walks out & struggles to sit in seat with extravagant gown*

Maureth: Madam. Do you need assistance?

DollyDouche: I'm fine Maureth! It is not the fault of mine that you do not have a throne created for a queen.

Maureth: Apologies mylady. Welcome to the show.

DollyDouche: Thank you for having me Maureth *sniffles* I have been troubled a great deal by this news. Aye my juices are so tantalizing that warriors travel far and wide to partake in such splendors. Yet my heart belongs to only two. You see Maureth, when the dicketh snatches your soul you are trapped. And so I did just that to one of these Lords. Alas, their bitter feud makes it impossible to figure out which one will father my seedling.

Maureth: Well mylady, lets see what Fonsworth has to say. *cues video*

Fonsworth: Maureth, I know that bastard is my seedling. I laid with DollyDouche many moons while her other suitor was at war. She told me I had more power in my ball sacks than he had when he would unsheathe his sword. That man's dick is too weak to birth a King Maureth. And I'm here to prove it today.

Maureth: Let's meet Lord Fonsworth

*audience applauds as Fonsworth comes out. He trips over DollyDouche's dress and tries to play it off by embracing her. Moving his seat closer to sit next to her*

Maureth: Welcome to the show Fonsworth.

Fonsworth: Pleasure to be here Maureth. Alas, this will not be a long episode for we all know who's sword has the longest reach *winks at DollyDouche*

Maureth: This may be true but DollyDouche has admitted to my council of the show that she was in fact with DaddyWarbucks the night before the fight.

Fonsworth: *turns to DollyDouche slowly with a snarling look* Is that your word?

DollyDouche: *looks away embarrassed* I-i-i have no idea...You see...He was ummmm. The scroll! Yes the scroll needed......editing?

Maureth: Let's take a look at what DaddyWarbucks has to say. *cues video*

DaddyWarbucks: Maureth. That harlot can never birth my child. She has given her walls to all of the Lords. A dungeon for weak niggas lie between her legs. Fonsworth to be exact. If she thinks I will house her in my palace as she labors another mans child, then she must be on the best hallucinagenic in the land Maureth.

Maureth: Let's bring out DaddyWarbucks.

*audience boos*

DaddyWarbucks: Fuck off all of ye! Fuck off! You all are from the house of shitters!

*DaddyWarbucks grills DollyDouche & Fonsworth. He scoffs as he drags his seat farther away from the two*

DollyDouche: You're worth is equivalent to cow manure Warbucks!

DaddyWarbucks: Well you're value lessened as soon as you let that ragamuffin enter your kingdom.

Fonsworth: Villain, I have done thy mother.

*audience goes crazy*

DaddyWarbucks: About my mother, what was that?

Hello.

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-Not requiried but if you can be mistaken as a bottle girl is a plus

Please respond to this ad as soon as possible. I’m trying to be a problem. Thank you.

The ancient act of kissing women on their foreheads is in fact sorcery. Men have been able to keep women under the guise of affection, when they are actually casting a spell. This is the original action used to trap a woman. 

In ancient civilization, women usually adorned their heads with crowns or some type of headwear, not for religious or status reasons. It was a way of protecting themselves from the male enchantment. The men had to find other ways to get women open, so potent wine and enticing details of their war stories was used as a substitute. 

“I refused to leave my soldiers behind. They have fought tooth and nail with me showcasing their loyalty time after time. Almost thought we wouldn’t make it. But alas, here we are. Able bodied enough to laugh at how destruction and a fight for power could of robbed us of our lives”. 

“Wow. What a story”.

“Indeed. More wine yes?”

Fast forward to present time. Wine could work in the same fashion, however due to women learning more of these enchantment tricks it is less than likely to yield the same results consistently. I am not speaking of getting to the sex. I am speaking of keeping a woman intertwined with a man long enough, for her not to realize that he probably ain’t shyt. 

This is why the forehead kiss remains the best tool of enchantment. It is intimate enough to use and still leaves a breath of aloofness, that does not grant women adequate room to define what the situation is. The more the woman studies these unanswered questions, the longer the woman is stuck under the spell. 

To this day, women are battling these spells. Pondering questions that gives this enchantment legs to walk:

“If he didn’t really like me why would he kiss me like that? Nah, I’m buggin. Am I though?”

Next time we’’ll explore “The History Of The Stroke: Is the Deepest Stroke a form of sorcery?” 

“Ooooo I can’t wait to get this ma’fucka back. Ayo what’s taking homie so long? I know he was at that bitch house? Oh shyt! There he go!”

Many men. Have tried to play me. Looked me dead in the eyes and lied through they teeth. I’m tryna be who I’m destined to be. But a nigga goin make me black today. I put a block on a nigga for fuckin wit me. After I screenshot comments I peeped. Betta watch how you talk when you talk about me. Cause I’ll come and spazz on every page. 

Many men. Many many many many men. Tried to play me. Don’t wanna text no more. Don’t bring up sex no more. Have mercy on me.

Gave this nigga pussy went straight up to his head. Go on and get the uber ma’fucker that ain’t it. I’m the diamond in the dirt that ain’t been found. I could of made you a King, but you rather be clown. When I slide, something special happens every time. I’m the baddest, something like Trina in her prime. Hit the block wearing bundles. Head wraps on the humble. Ya mans telling me to come through cause they know I don’t want you. Got a temper nigga go head. Lose ya head. Turn ya back on me? I’ll go head and hit yo friends. I walk around code to ya phone, location exposed. I wanna see you with that bitch, nigga this beef ain’t over.  

Many men. Many many many many men. Tried to play me. Don’t wanna text no more. Don’t bring up sex no more. Have mercy on me. Have mercy on my soul. You turned my pussy stone. Bout to tell ya boy get ya friend. Ayo nigga come & get ya friend. Don’t play wit me.

Fonsworth: Doth pussy does squirt ferociously madam. How dost thou husband not lie beneath your bosoms when the moon rises from the West?

DollyDouche: *sighs* Woe comes heavily like the rushing waterfall of love between my thighs. His dicketh is unable to withstand the heavy flow of euphoria. Alas, a bruised ego sends him to retreat. Leaving me like a village free from pillaging by enemies. Full of life and hope for the future. 

Fonsworth: Aye. A village such as yours deserves to be explored, for the treasures that are found beneath the flaps and in the cracks are more tantalizing than any heroic tale told in olden villages. 

DollyDouche: Worth, you create heavy pulses like drums from the aboriginal people within the walls of my womanhood. I crave thou dicketh in the deepest holes on my body. Alas, fear shadows me like a curse carried from childhood, that you will linger inside me longer than reality will allow. 

Fonsworth: Douche, you have been married with my cum on many occasions. When will we create an identity for this love?

DollyDouche: Oh Worth we musn’t dance in this arena. 

DaddyWarbucks: *slams door open* Fuck is goodeth? Dolly you cannot possibly be beded with this court jester? Deadass art thou?

Fonsworth: This court fool has jousted your wife repeatedly in ways you could never entertain. Peasant.

DaddyWarbucks: Peasant? You were birthed from a peasant. 

Fonsworth: Oh. You speak ill of my mother? *unsheathes sword*

DollyDouche: MEN I BEG OF YOU!

DaddyWarbucks: Douche, it is very clear by the scent of this man’s unworthy on your breath you have done that enough today *unsheathes sword*

DollyDouche: A woman with child should not undergo such stress! 

*both men stand still*

Fonsworth: Who fathers the seedling?

DaddyWarbucks: As far as I am concerned, that bastard cannot be my heir. Blanks are at my disposal.

Fonsworth: Aye, the game I pull out with has massive strength. Unless her mouth laid as a bed for my unworthies.

DollyDouche: What happened to identifying our “love”?

Fonsworth: Wordplay for romance Douche. Vibes you know of.

DaddyWarbucks: The harlot has probably other knights in her kingdom. 

Fonsworth: The thought of other swords dancing in her court gives me great relief. Pause.

DollyDouche: Deadass art thee? 

DaddyWarbucks: Ahhhh I mean. Of course I would care for the bastard as if he my own.

Fonsworth: My mother did not raise a man who strayed from responsibilities. 

Stella: We have been standing outside for damn near 45 minutes. Where the hell is your man?

Homegrrl 2: First of all, he is not my man. I just let him eat my ass one time. 

Homegrrl 1: *whispers to Stella* She ate his too.

Homegrrl 2: Shut up ! Damn. 

Stella: Oh so you took that Juicy J verse seriously huh. 

Stella & Homegrrl 1: SQUEEZE ON MY NUTS. LICK ON MY BUTT. THE NATURAL CURLY HAIR. PLEASE DON’T TOUCH *starts laughing*

Homegrrl 2: Shut up yall he’s coming! Heyyyy B. 

BootyVenger: Hey beautiful. I’m glad you could make it to my party. Ladies, how yall doing?

Stella: Good. Just ready to have a good time. 

Homegrrl 1: And throw it back on somebody’s son *sticks tongue out*

BootyVenger: *laughs* word word. That’s wussup. Well my boy is the DJ tonight so it’s definitely turnt up inside. And when yall ready we can go to the Red Velvet Room.

Stella: Red Velvet Room? Homegrrl number two, what is he talking about? 

Homegrrl 2: Ummmm it’s like a VIP.

Homegrrl 1: Like a VIP?

BootyVenger: Oh I thought yall were down too?

Stella: Down for what? 

BootyVenger: The AssVengers. 

Homegrrl 1: The what??

BootyVengers: Everything ass play. It’s like a swingers party for booty meat only.

Stella: The fuck? I’m not into that shyt you & Homegrrl number 2 do behind closed doors.

Homegrrl 2: C’mon we’re already here. 

Homegrrl 1: I’m down if I can receive only.  

Stella: Really bitch !

BootyVengers: If it makes you feel any better. I’ll tell them you’re only down to get spanked.

Stella: No nigga!

BootyVengers: Alright alright. Just hold the camera for us. 

Homegrrl 1: Ooooh can I get the footages to send to my ex?

Homegrrl 2: Listen Stella. You don’t have to do anything you feel uncomfortable with. Let’s just go to the bar. 

Stella: *heavy sighs* fine. Wait. Who’s that at the door?

Homegrrl 2: Oh girl. Don’t pay him no mind. Had his first Black woman last week so he just gets excited. Can’t keep his ass out the Red Velvet Room. 

OOOOOMFFFGGGGGGAWWWD. 

I need this bitch to just sit down for a minute. We’re gonna sound like broken bricks in the next couple of years if she keeps bouncing around like this. Can we get an icepack? A pillow? No. We just keep getting Dusse. 

We don’t get paid enough for this shyt. No spa days not even a little attention to make us feel like she actually cares. What about our needs? She just expects us to be ready for the stage every night? Constantly exposing ourselves to strangers?

She need to stop wearing those tall ass cowboy boots because they keep scratching my face. Ciara’s knees never had to go through this much stress. At least she stretches. Smh. 

Wait. 

Shyt. 

You hear that?

Big Ole Freak is starting. *sighs* time to go..

AK: Hello? Can I speak to..to Michael?

TheMost: Wait hol on hol on real quick. *muffled convo* Why you worried about who's on the phone? It’s my friend. You don’t know them! Can you back up? *comes back to phone* Yea who’s this?

AK: Oh hey how ya doin? Uh, I feel kinda silly doing this, but um. This is the waitress from the coffeehouse on 39th and Lenox. You know the one with braids?

TheMost: Yeaaaaa I remember you redbone. How you get my number? Hell it don’t even matter. So wussup? You tryna see me?

AK: Yea so I see you every Wednesday on ya lunch break I think. And you always order the special. With the hot chocolate.

TheMost: I’m on the phone with my mother, do you mind?

WomanVoice: I thought you said it’s your friend?

TheMost: Yes it’s the bill collector *slams door* anyway, as you were saying boo?

AK: My manager be trippin and stuff saying we gotta use water but I always use some milk and cream for you. Cause. I think you're kinda sweet. *giggles*

TheMost: Oh word? Well I appreciate you sweetheart. But I always wanted to ask: why do yall sell hot chocolate and fish sandwiches as a special? Got me with bubble guts all day.

AK: Anyways, you always have on some fly blue suit and your cufflinks shining all bright. So watchu do?

TheMost: Sell bud.   

AK: Oh word? Yea that’s interesting. Look man. I know girls don’t usually do this. But I was hoping we could meet outside the restaurant one day? You know cause I do look alot different outside my work clothes. 

TheMost: Facts. I see them curves busting out your uniform all the time. I always wanted to bite that---I-I-I mean yes we can definitely hang out sometime. 

AK: I mean we could go across the street to the park right here.

TheMost: I’m down. You smoke? Cause I just got some fire last night.

AK; Wait, hold up my cell phones breaking up, hold up.

WomanVoice: Get the fuck up out my house Michael!

TheMost: Yo relax! You’re wildin. 

AK: Do you hear me now? 

TheMost: *items breaking in the background* Yea. Uh do you think we can meet up tomorrow? We can go get something to eat and stay by your crib for the night.

AK: Oh yeah. Thursdays perfect man. 

Homegrrl 1: Girl. You have been in the house for months now. When are you gonna go out and get some dick?

Stella: I don’t know Homegrrl number 1. I’m just not that into men right now.

Homegrrl 2: Oh you want some pussy then? Cause I got a friend that can help you with that.

Stella: *laughs* You need to relax Homegrrl number 2. I ain’t say all that. I’m just...I’m busy with work and I’m trying to get this promotion so I rather be by myself. 

Homegrrl 1: You can work and STILL get worked on. Okay? *hi fives the other woman*

Stella: You don’t understand Homegrrl number 1 & 2. It’s been so long since I….you know...sucked a dick. 

Homegrrl 2: What?? You haven’t even practiced on a banana, a popsicle, shyt not even your toothbrush?

Stella: Ughhhh…

Homegrrl 1: A pencil, a wine bottle, the cardboard roll when you run out of toilet tissue?

Homegrrl 2: The end of a hairbrush, a cold curling iron, your remote?

Homegrrl 1: A rolled up section of a newspaper, a baby bottle, a brand new tube of toothpaste?

Homegrrl 2: Duct tape tied around a stick dipped in lotion, a cocoa butter filled icing tube.. 

Homegrrl 1: Oh bitch! You know I tried to find the icing tube in Walmart and they ran out so I had to use a plastic bag. You know it really gives you the balls effect when you...

Stella: Ladies! I get it. No. I ain’t do ANY of that shyt....how do yall still have a throat?

Homegrrl 2: That’s what he said *laughs* now go put on ya freakum dress so you can practice on your gagging. 

Ladies, when's the last time you received a “good morning beautiful” text? A “how was your day” message? Or kissing emoji randomly while you were out? No worries. SheaButterBootyCall Hotline is the perfect place for you. We can provide men of all different backgrounds and vocal tones to satisfy your needs. Let’s see what we have on the menu:

The Omarion: He’ll call you beautiful in every message. Ask you how your day is going. And send voice notes occasionally serenading you but says “i don’t sing for everybody”. He will not pick up most of your calls because he’s not a “phone person”. However, he is mostly available between 12:30am-4:30am and will let you fall asleep on him. Guaranteed you will wake up to a “sweet dreams beautiful” followed by a “good morning gorgeous hope you slept well”. Facetime options as well.  

The Common: This is for the clients interested in an older, reformed hood nigga, who is also enlightened. Your messages will all start with “Peace Queen” or “Peace Goddess”. He will rap/sing classic hip-hop/r&b tracks with you on the phone. He is available for phone calls during your lunch break but is not guaranteed for many late night conversations. He doesn’t like using FaceTime because he fears facial recognition. 

The Trey Songz: This right here’s a panty droppa. This is for all the clients looking for dirty messages anytime of the day. Most of his communication consists of eggplant, tongue, side smirk, water, heart eye and cat emojis. In between that he can drop dick pics/vids upon request. He literally is not good for any type of real conversation unless it involves sex. FaceTime option only between the times of 1:30am-4:30am. Phone sex strongly suggested but optional.

The Chris Brown: This is for clients who want a sexy problematic man with toxic communication skills. His potential is fully stocked so you’ll never want to leave. You’ll never be bored and will entertain arguments. I suggest this one to women who need to take out their frustrations. No guarantee that he’ll pick up your calls or answer texts. But he’ll blow up your phone once a week when you least expect it for no extra cost. For a limited time only, he will pop up at your job & embarrass you. 

Aaaaaaand we’re back for another game of:

Audience: PLAY DEAD OR PLAY DUMB!

With your favorite fuckgirl Rhondaaaaa Burgandyyyyyyy

Audience: *screams*

RhondaB: Omg thank you everybody! Welcome back to the game show that tests what will make you play along or dubb very strong. The real question is: do you know when to use which one? Now we have 3 contestants today. Ladies please introduce yourself:

Contestant 1: Hi. My name is Jill. I just wanna say thanks to Kanye’s workout plan I was able to pull an NBA player. And now I shop everyday on Rodeo Drive. 

Contestant 2: My name is LaSandra and I just wanted to say since listening to Kanye’s workout plan I was able to get my phone bill paid. I got a free trip to Cancun. And most importantly, is I don’t have to fuck wit Ray Ray broke ass now more.

Contestant 3: My name is Ellie Bae from Mobile, Alabama. And I just wanted to say since listening to Kanye’s workout tape, I been dating outside the city and I rode a plane.

RhondaB: Well I see we have alot of success stories today! Shouldn’t be hard for any of you ladies to get through these. I will read a text and you will tell me if you Play Dumb or Play Dead. First message: 

“Wyd” at 1:45am

Contestant 2: *hits buzzer* Play Dumb only if he’s calling you an uber or you’re already tipsy. 

RhondaB: That is absolutely correct. We only Play Dumb if we really want some. Next message:

“Sorry, I’ve been really busy. I’m trying to see you” this was a response to your text from 2 weeks ago.

Contestant 1: *hits buzzer* Play Dead. You can’t make him feel it’s that easy to get back in your good graces. Leave him on seen. 

RhondaB: That is correct. Cannot make yourself too available ladies. It only leads to wack sex. Annnnd for our final message:

“I guess” this is in response to a 3 sentence message you sent him.

Contestant 3: *hits buzzer* Play Dead and block his ass. 

RhondaB: THAT IS CORRECT ! Real ass bitch. Give a fuck about a nigga. Oh man what a show. Good job ladies! Until next time on... 

Audience: PLAY DEAD OR PLAY DUMB!

“I know it’s been a while but I hope all is well”

“I see you doing ya thing. Proud of you”

“Happy birthdayy”

“Yo you heard that new album? Crazy right”

When you’re looking to hire employees the opening line is key. What are you trying to sell them on? How can you convince them to invest time in what you possess? These are some of my favorites when recruiting part-time penis. Sometimes, I even throw in an emoji for flare. If you really want to make him feel important bring up a personal piece of information. 

“How’s your mother doing? I know you and her were having problems”

Notice when you counter the personal information with a sentence starting with “I know” it gives the feeling to the possible hire that you are fully invested even though they are not yet committed to this job. They need to feel some security. Everything that follows up must prove that. 

Don’t be afraid to “LOL” or “LMAO” at any possible joke, even if it’s not that funny. The male ego is a dog that needs to be pet consistently in order to maintain it’s composure. And it’s good for company morale to make him feel appreciated.

Remember, this is just part-time penis so be realistic about the requirements. Set an attainable goal and a tentative time span to spare your emotions. 

You may be wondering why treat men like this instead of being honest and open about your feelings: