Finding My Way Forward

But. Steve and I are still here. We have had quite the year and a half. And I had valid complaints and hurts. But, he eventually stepped up and made sure he understood why I was hurt and he figured out how to give me what I need. And I figured out why I have been so angry and mean the last few years and I keep working on making it better. And we talk about absolutely everything, no matter how painful or uncomfortable. And we are facing getting older together, with all its ups and downs. We keep trying. And above all else, we keep making each other laugh and having fun together.

Got my 5 miles done this morning. Another slog but I was very 🤷🏻‍♀️ about it, as usual these days. Truly happy just to be putting in the work. 🙂

Chorizo and eggs, massive salad with ham steak, chicken thighs with caprese + peaches and balsamic (I had no fresh mozzarella), and cereal for a snack.

Last night was AMAZING. One of the best dnb events I’ve ever been to. The music was fantastic and I danced for about 4 hours of it.

We got 9.5 hours of sleep last night and got out for our 8 miles this morning. That was not fun. So hot, I was totally soaked through at the end. But I did it.

I told myself when I went out: do whatever I have to do to stick with my slowest breathing rate the first mile and go from there. And that's exactly what I did. Nice and slow. I also did my strength training after and I was super proud of that.

Food was very fulfilling all day. Eggs and beans for breakfast, Hawaiian pasta for lunch, sausage, red beans, and rice for dinner. Cereal snack.

I had more than one cereal snack. Overate, emotional eating. I've been on the verge of tears multiple times today. I think it's somewhat spillover from yesterday. I was so exhausted and overstimulated yesterday that I didn't want Steve to even touch me or hug me.

Today I was just about as run down. I passed out in the middle of the day for 20 minutes and never really recovered. No energy. And I've been irritable, rage-y, and emotional.

I will get a lot more sleep tonight and then tomorrow I will reevaluate if anything I was thinking about today is even worth hashing out. I hate that I have to do this but at the same time, I know it's smart for me to do this. To accept that hormones/sleep health/grief suppression can fuck with my brain and not allow myself to become irrational about things that are really just chemical.

Fun times at Steve’s gig on Wednesday. Our whole crew played the entire evening’s time slots and I had a really good time (mostly, I kind of hit a wall around 1 am).

Steve had to convince me to wear this bodysuit out in public. When I bought it, I assumed I would wear it with a skirt, although the models at Neo4ic wear it with nothing but thigh high tights. (And, to be fair, I also bought a black one that I will in fact wear with a skirt to Steve’s gig at Meow Wolf in September).

But I thought, what better place to have fun wearing it than this particular venue - super relaxed but also rave-y. Lots of people show up in skimpy stuff there on Fire Night. So I went for it. I was hesitant to get out of the car at first lol but after about an hour I was happy I did it. I got so many compliments on it, too - almost all from other women. 🥰

Wednesday: mixed bag workout, ending with me on the bike watching the original 3-part miniseries that kicked off The Food That Built America - for the third time. I just really like it.

Another massive salad for lunch. And crock pot sausage, red beans, and rice for dinner. I've been craving this for a while and uuugh it was so good. I doubled the sausage this time and just split it into 6 portions instead of 4. Mmmm more smoked sausage.

Tuesday: 6 miles, eggs and beans, nails (I LOVE THIS BLACK CAT EYE COLOR!), massive salad, chicken-fries-broccoli (thank you, air fryer) fruit.

Instead, I cleaned my mouth out, put in my essix retainer, popped a mint in my mouth, all to indicate to my body and mind that I was "done" for the night. Then I thought about how I wasn't really hungry and I only wanted to eat because obviously I am unsettled or anxious or unhappy in some way - and I need to focus on why that is and what that is. Because something is making me compulsively eat and it isn't physical hunger.

So I said all that out loud to Steve. And he said, "I don't think you're fundamentally unhappy" and I agreed buuuuut. Then I said, "I think about my mom a lot." And thus ensued a lot of tears and letting out a few things - not everything, I'm sure - that I've been holding in that I didn't really realize I was holding in. He listened and helped offer broader perspective on some stuff - so easy to let myself get lost in my head and become irrational and narrow focused about my mom and my grief. Having him to talk to and provide objectivitiy, but also comfort and a sense of shared burden, was deeply meaningful.

I've been snapping at him again quite a bit. It's better than it was last year. We have worked on a lot of stuff that needed work. But I spent a good long while feeling emotionally abandoned, especially last year, and I put up a wall because of it, and unfortunately, when I am not careful, that wall goes back up. I viewed him through a certain lens for a while and it can be tough not to default back to that. I need to remember that things are not the same. I don't need to put up that wall. He is here and present and will be what I need if I let him.

So. I rolled over and turned out the light. Smooshed myself into his back. And, for the first time in I can't remember how long, I fell asleep without my Ozlo earbuds in. I've become dependent on them, and feel little pangs of fear when I think about going to bed without them in the dark and the quiet. But last night, I was not afraid, and I fell asleep immediately.

I was told specifically I needed to attend this meeting because I was getting a "shout out." Turns out, every quarter, they do an Employee Spotlight section. Supervisors, Area Leads, etc. nominate their people and then they provide a brief employee intro and explain why they nominated them that quarter. My Area Lead nominated me and spoke about me. I had NO idea this was happening beforehand.

This is the little picture/blurb they put up about me on the slides.

This is what he said:

Yeah, so really pleased to give a shout out to Melissa. She is a pursuit specialist with the pursuit marketing group. Most of you may not have interacted with her. She is from the Legacy XXXXX team. And as it so happened over the course of this year, we have had four major proposals that we had to work on. These represent four of our largest clients. That's the LA County Sanitation Districts, San Bernardino County Solid Waste, Kern County Public Works, and Orange County Waste and Recycling. So these are public agencies, so their proposals are quality based, which means we have to make sure it's a really high quality proposal, and then we go up against the best firms in the industry. So starting early this year, sometime around March, we put together four massive proposals. And the reason we are recognizing Melissa is that she pretty much did it all single-handedly. She pretty much took the responsibility to do it herself with some technical help from (Principal Engineer) and myself. But she did it very efficiently. Typically, each proposal, she would do it in about two weeks with very little oversight necessary. And these are typically three-year-long contracts. Together, they represent about at least 6 million in revenue potential, and we have a good shot at achieving all 6 million over the next three years. And to date, we have won three out of the four. So with one more yet to come, with that, hopefully she will have a perfect record of four out of four. So Melissa, thank you. We really appreciate it.

Then the VP of the West said:

Yeah, Melissa is awesome. I thank you so much, Melissa, for all of your effort.

The added comment from the VP was fantastic because she and I hit it off so well the week we met in SoCal, and in subsequent conversations when I was trying to choose my position at the new company. And she's one of the highest ups in the entire company, so her words carry a lot of weight.

But fundamentally, it was my Area Lead who blew me away. I have known him for 23 years, since originally joining my legacy company. And I have always enjoyed our working relationship and I felt appreciated by him but this was just... for him to talk me up in front of hundreds of people just felt... wow. I texted him after to tell him how much it meant to me.

3 fast-ish miles. Spicy chili chicken Manchurian and Hawaiian pasta. Fruit. Oswald peets pushing against my side. Another good day. I love healthy routines.

Another great day. Got up early and got my miles in - 50% of this was hill repeats! Haven't done that in a few months. It's so flat here, generally, but we do have one hill repeats area so I need to keep after it - Michigan races always take my by surprise when I don't.

Also did another archery range day. Shooting was good, as tired as my arms were from strength/archery/bowling yesterday.

I had a craving for brunch and I nailed it: chorizo, beans, onion, jalapenos, cheese, and eggs. Side of potatoes because with chorizo, obviously. I would normally serve this with a tortilla but I finished the old bag of white bread with Steve. And man. Why is toast with butter so damn good sometimes? Maybe because it's been so long?

What a day. Strength training followed by archery with Steve, girl brunch spread, and bowling and dinner as an early birthday outing for Eric. Fried things for Steve, sushi for me.

And I killed it at both sports today. Getting more comfortable with my bow again. Then I bowled a 188, one of my highest scores ever (highest ever was 196, I've never quite broken 200).

Friday:

8-mile run, strong and easy, egret hunting fish at the pond, and new toe socks - I need these, my 4th and 5th toe on my right foot have been problematic for years and it's at a point where they get so bad I can't even walk around in close toed shoes, like, casually. Ow. The toe socks seem to be fixing it though, thank goodness.

Working from bed with Oswald again. The best.

Cereal-yogurt-fruit for breakfast, Hawaiian chicken for lunch, more fruit, and curried chickpea salad, caprese salad, etc. for dinner. Snacks of more cereal and pb&j not shown. I may have overdone it a bit today. It's okay. Deep breaths. I will reset tomorrow.

Steve had his monthly livestream and we had a guest, a guy who is a high school drumline instructor who is also a drum and bass producer and DJ. We also booked him to open for our crew at a show we are doing in downtown Dallas Wednesday. He only spins his own compositions when he mixes. Super impressive. And he's a really cool dude to boot. Great having him here again.

Another mixed bag: run 2 miles, walk 1 mile, strength work.

More good food: spicy chili chicken manchurian, dirty spaghetti, fruit, and Golden Grahams, which I just bought for the first time in many many years and ohhhhh my god oh my god, I forgot how much I love these. Heaven in a bowl. Gonna have to portion those out carefully. Ahem.

Also loved this shot of Oswald. He was cleaning and I reaized it was almost 5 and started to move and this is is his mid-cleaning, sitting up, "oh is it dinner time??" look. Hehehe.

Mixed bag workout again. Run, strength, bike, walk. I was waffling about doing stuff on my rest day, but I had time to kill because we had carpet cleaning service most of the morning, so everything was chaotic and I wasn’t able to sit down and work for any good stretch. So working out it was. And it was really fun! I think I may keep doing this on running rest days/cross training days. I’m really enjoying it.