Finding Haven

What have I been up to

It’s been a few months since I updated this blog so I figured it was time to give an update. The last few months have been very busy with starting the Seattle Trans and Nonbinary Choral Ensemble (STANCE) and getting it up and running. We have auditions this week and I’m very excited to say that we hit my goal of 50 signups! After 5 years of dreaming and scheming, it is so exciting to finally see…

I finally Transitioned. So now what?

Today I ran across a meme that said “Okay, you’ve transitioned. So what are you plans for the rest of your life? – I don’t know. I didn’t think I’d get this far…” and girl howdy did it resonate. Realizing I was trans AND having to get a messy divorce at the same time really threw my life off. I lost any forward momentum that I had and instead focused on getting myself a career that would allow me…

Trans Day of Visibility 2022

Today is Trans Day of Visibility and while not all trans people want to be visible, I am very happy that I am. A lot of people are sharing before and after photos but for me, there never was a true before and after. I have always been trans, there were just phases of my life where I didn’t have the language to access that part of my authenticity. From a young age I was very gender non-conforming…

Things in my sex life have finally been going much better. I still have only orgasmed on my own the once but it’s starting to get a lot more reliable with good partners. One person even managed to give me the best orgasms of my life two dates in a row! It’s nice to not end sex frustrated and worried about when and if it is going to happen. Instead I get to have that nice satisfied feeling and all…

I did it! After well over a year of trying I finally orgasmed from masturbation! This feels like a major milestone for me. Sex with a partner is absolutely wonderful but it feels empowering to be able to give that to yourself when you need a release. I’m so happy to finally have gotten to this point in healing. It’s been 17 months since my initial surgery and 3 months since my revision. It took…

I was so excited to reach the 6 week mark after my revision surgery so I could get in the hot tub and have sex again. But when I reached that point and did those things I started bleeding again. I went to the doctor to get it checked out and luckily it’s not an open wound but it is more granulation tissue. That means that I need to treat it with silver nitrate weekly until it clears up and…

I’m back home safe and sound now and so happy to spend time with my pets and sleep in my own bed. One of my partners came down to join my spouse and I the last week and the two of them drove me back. We took two days and stopped often to stretch and keep my blood flowing. Remarkably, the trip was pain free from a surgical site perspective which I didn’t expect. My back hurt by the end but that’s…

I had my second and final post op appointment today and it was a bittersweet moment hopefully seeing my surgical team for the last time. Today’s big hurdle was the “bladder trial” where they pump me full of saline, take out the catheter and see if I can pee the full volume. Luckily this time I passed easily unlike after my first surgery. Everything else looked good other than my persistent yeast…

I miss my pets, my bed, my chosen family, my chair, and my mountain. I just want to be healing at home instead of stuck in an overpriced Airbnb in a strange city just because Seattle doesn’t have trans bottom surgeons. When we talk about trans health equity, a big part of that is easy access to care instead of driving halfway down the coast (or across the state at best) and spending exorbitant…

Just had my first revision surgery post op where I was really hoping to get the catheter out. Sadly they want me to keep it in a week longer to give the urethra more time to heal. I also have a yeast infection. Otherwise I seem to be healing well though I do have to stay on top of separating the wound at the base of my vagina to make sure it doesn’t heal together like last time. They also gave me…

Some days I just get so angry at the world for being born trans. Why did I have to inherit a body that was set to hard mode? Why couldn’t I have just been a cis woman with a brain that matched my genitals from birth? I hate that I have to have all these surgeries just to fix something that I didn’t ask to be born with. Being Bisexual feels like something I can be proud of but right now being…

The surgery appears to have gone well though it was a little more extensive than originally planned. While they were in there they discovered a hole in my urethra which explains why I was dribbling after I peed. They stitched it up so now I have a catheter and a pee bag tied to my leg for the next week. The pain hasn’t been as bad as the first surgery but it’s enough that I have to stay on top…

Today is my revision surgery on my vulva! The surgeon is going to be modifying my clitoris area to make it easier to access my remaining nerve bundle, removing some scar tissue at the opening of my vulva, and removing excess skin that grew around my urethra that causes me to dribble after I pee. I’m simultaneously glad to get these annoyances dealt with and scared that something is going to go…

I did it! 1 year and 7 weeks after bottom surgery I finally had a full orgasm! I’m not sure what the magic formula was this time but I was trying out a new toy my partner got and a new topical cream that includes Viagra. It definitely feels very different than my old parts did. It comes on slowly and has a more sustained high point and headiness to it. I’m excited to have more of them and find…

Why is gender affirming care so expensive?

I’ve written quite a bit about the costs that I have incurred along my journey of trying to inhabit a trans body. But even as I look forward to the upcoming revision surgery on my vulva, it is a harsh awakening to realize that I am going to have to spend yet another $6,000+ for housing simply because Seattle has no transgender vaginoplasty surgeons and most insurance refuses to pay for out of…

Finally a year after my bottom surgery I’m starting to have mini orgasms! I had the first one about a week before my surgery anniversary but I wasn’t sure what it was and I just had three more last night. They feel like small crests of pleasure but nothing compared to what I was used to before surgery where there is a Big Bang and I’m done. I do come away from sex feeling happy and satisfied…

I came back to San Francisco today for my 1 year post op for my vaginoplasty. There are a few things that have been annoying me so my surgeon and I decided together to do a minor revision surgery later this year. It should only take 3 weeks in town this time and 6 weeks of healing. For the trans people reading along, the issues I’m fixing are: The opening to my vagina is a little constricted by…