making sense of confusing thoughts

So in a way, we both don't deserve each other. Even though we might have felt that we could have a future together, upon being together these years, the reality caught up to us and we just have to accept it. We did try hard to make this relationship work, our differences are still a bigger issue than we make it out to be. Sure, there were some big and small fights yet they were repetitive, always with the same mistakes or personality of the other.  

I think we should just accept that no matter how compatible we seem we are, we are also that incompatible. That's just how things go. 

We'll eventually get tired of trying to make excuses for the other person and slowly but surely love will turn to hate because those feelings are not on the other end of the spectrum. 

I've read an article about being a passive communicator in a  relationship wherein a person defers to what their partner wants and ignore theirs. This leads to having feelings of anger for being neglected and guilty for being dishonest with themselves.

I wish I could just say sorry and make this heaviness disappear but nope, just taking its time to simmer here in my chest. 

I would like to love someone wholeheartedly, steadily, certainly, purely, and without any doubts. 

But why don't I feel it? Is something wrong with me? 

I know I do love you and I will probably be devastated to lose you but most days...I don't feel the love. Why???? I want to know the answer. I cannot understand why can't I just love you like I know I do but currently don't feel. It's stupid. 

So right now, I feel like I am lying to you, lying to myself, lying to our relationship. I do feel that you do love me but it feels that my needs are not being met and I am frustrated and I am tired of listening and it feels like I am taking you for granted. 

He's another human being. Let him enjoy his life. He thought you're worth sharing his time with so take joy from that.

Stop fucking overfeeling everything.

Just say, "Today, I am frustrated with you and may I please just ask that you provide me with space and time to clear my mind so this doesn't develop into anything that may lead into a fight." or something along those lines. YOU CAN FUCKING DO IT. Or try at least.

Do go to bed angry. All hail reddit. Or at least just cut off communications for a while. You're prob just tired or something.

You are selfish. Yes you are, you little piece of shit. So what do you do about it? Take a step back. Imagine yourself in their shoes. What is the difference? Go on from there.

I don't know. I wish I don't go through these feelings, that I can always give you my 110% and just be happy with you.

My throat burns as I write this. I wish I was a better person because right now, I feel like I'm the worst person for you and I hope you come to your senses and just dump my sorry self and leave me to regret the shit I did to you. I'm a masochist like that. 

I remember you, walking next to me. Silence hung in the air. We had just finished fighting. We're trying to be okay again. And suddenly you stop walking. I look back and I saw you teary-eyed and trying your best not to cry. 

-He is a martyr. And I'm like, fucking why? Tho I understand but this doesn't help the relationship. I now believe that communication is really the first step to avoid long term frustrations. I hope he can stop telling himself to suck it up because now I feel guilty for asking something I once rejected that he now has let himself not feel the need for.

We've been together for 10 years. A decade. One-third of our lives.

I want to make this work. Took me a long time but I'm trying to communicate. But I feel like I'm talking to a wall. It's frustrating. I keep asking and asking. How many times does a person have to ask for something before it's actually considered begging?

I know I've pushed you before. Rejected your advances. You've told me. I know. It's always in my mind when I ask you for something. I'm trying to make it better. Tried asking how can I do better. The responses I keep getting are 'I don't know'. Then what the fuck am I supposed to do? Can you even try? Do you still actually want this? Is that your best effort?

We've been together for 10 years.

I have had this feeling since it started.

There are times when it feels like I'm a controlling freak, tho I try to keep it down.

When he comes home drunk, I push it down. I tell him I don't like it. Hopefully he doesn't do it again. He does.

He frequently hangs out after work with colleagues. That's normal. I work from home so I seldom go out. I find it hard to ask him to go out during the weekends. Says he's tired. Weekends are the only time we have together.

When he goes drinking with his female co-workers. Should be fine, right? It's not. Not for me. I told him so. He skirts around and finds logic in my statements. I lose. He tells me I should get to know them instead. I really don't want to. But okay, let's try.

...and that's just from what I remember recently. I might have forgotten others. Kept saying it's fine. I'm fine. I should be fine with it. I'm not controlling. Should not be controlling.