And just like the brightest star we are shining north

Everything lining up right, things have been blessed, to say the least.

Financial abundance will continue to thrive, rising like the sun in the east

I will be in control of my emotions, this new start can't be tarnished by a negative mouth

The time is for healing and growing, let the humid sun germinate me in the south

Peace and security, wishing for all the best

Serenity and calm like the evenings sun setting to the west

All that my family deserves and needs

Will prosper for me

All that our home has seen

Before us is cleansed and free

So it shall be

So it shall be

The woman who birthed me, whos body housed me while i formed and filled with life. She doesnt care for the flesh that was manifested within her, she does not see anything beyond her own mind. This blindness is what fueled my childhood, a train that fell off the tracks years ago yet kept rolling nevertheless.

she showed up at my door out of the blue, never having been invited or wanted. she wanted, and still wants, a response, she wants a fight because she is bored. lonely and bored.  the further i stray from her, the less of a grip she has on me. she claims shes in the area often, but i dont think she is willing to try to show up again, not any time soon. her goal isnt to pop up here to torment me, her goal is to make me think she is going to pop up and torment me so i dont get to let my hyper vigilance go.

i had a prayer session earlier. i was reminded by my guides that she only showed up after i acknowledged that i have survived every single thing thrown at me to this day. something tells me her appearance is a physical manifestation of that acknowledgement. ive faced her yet again and i survived. and no matter how much i worry, no matter how much i peek out the window at every car door slam, none of that will prevent her from coming again if she chooses to. theres no way to prevent it besides moving and hoping that is good enough. if she wants to come here, she will, and she knows that i would call the police immediately now. this was all to get in my head and remind me of her power, but she doesnt know that recently i know my own power, more than ever i know who i am. im angry, im baffled as i still have no idea how she found my address, my cptsd and my hyper vigilance are triggered. im sure ill be dealing with the physical issues of that for at least a few weeks, jumping at every car sound and every knock on the door. but even if it is her on the other side of the door, ill survive it like i have every other time she has tried me.

I'm in distress about other things as well. I got my official Fibromyalgia and Myalgia dxs. I saw this coming, but I didn't know how it would hit me when a doctor told me that I'd be feeling this way forever. That there's no cure. Just management. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I thought it wouldn't fuck me up but there I sat in the parking lot outside the Dr office, waiting for my cab, trying desperately not to break down about it. I'm tired, I'm young but I feel aged. Weathered and beaten. I want peace. I've been trying to get my family into a bigger apartment so things aren't so clustered and cluttered together, fitting a 2bdrms worth of shit into a tiny ass 1 bdrm is fucking chaos. Just how Loki likes it. But this chaos is damaging to me, and I'm caged inside this chaos trying to claw my way to a more manageable chaos. I need balance, and I'm being smothered by everything. Overwhelmed. And with the winter approaching? The pain is increasing. It's rained 2 days in a row and it's cold rain, I can barely bend my knees and I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate until spring so I don't have to exist with this joint pain and muscle pain.