and ye, said the sun, we shall drink ginger beer

she doesn't need to accept the rosary from the romanian woman, she's got seventy of her own in her suitcase

she knows how to placate a weird old guy who's just a terrible hang, but she's also massively curious when faced with a crumbling gothic castle full of locked doors. she'll chitchat with the count and choke down his cooking, but if she gets ahead of herself and gets caught trying to open sealed doors then she might be deadzo.

she's used to hallucinating so is very doubtful about all of the spooky things she notices, but her reaction to the encounter with the weird sisters would be decisive and direct. for one, she would stop sleeping entirely, since who is she to say that they haven't just been humoring her by not coming for her in her room so far? maybe they're toying with her and letting her stew in her fear.

she's extremely willing to use the very matter of her body for her own ends, so I wonder if she might try some distraction gambit like leaving pools of her own blood in other places around the building in an attempt to get the vampires to leave her alone. she can't exactly make a blood ward or feed them explosion soup in this setting, but this feels in keeping with her methods.

this state of things would make her start trying to climb the outside walls a lot earlier than jonathan, she's not even sticking around long enough for the count to offer her a chance to throw herself to the wolves. she's out there making like a bat and scrabbling at the bricks before the end of may.

the question then is if she can survive scaling the walls with absolutely zero muscle, not insignificant blood loss, and on her fourth day of no sleep. her odds aren't great, but I also believe that if she sneered hard enough at the castle then it would feel ashamed and shoot some extra bricks out for her to use as stepping stones.

but that’s the best part about her journey as a mother—it’s kind of messy. she has a favorite child, she’s forced to choose between her kids, she actively resents a motherless boy, she dislikes the hostage child living in her home. like yeah catelyn’s love for her children is beautiful and “pure” or whatever, but it also makes her cruel, selfish, impulsive, ruthless, even vengeful.

So yesterday - it was kind of a terrible day, got dramatic - I was cooking dinner in the kitchen over here and I look outside and I see this dog in the backyard. And I get a closer look and I realise that it's a.  pig. 

And so naturally I went outside to look at the pig. Upon, uh, visualising the pig, I see a woman running down the street with a lasso in hand. And within the first few minutes I realise that she'd never had really any proper lasso training in her background, or any like... roping preliminaries. Because she was just kinda like aimlessly throwing this thing at the pig. 

So I said "Is this your pig?" 

And she said "Yes it - well, it's my boyfriend's pig, and he's at work, so I'm trying to catch it. Will you help me?" So naturally I said, "of course" And so me and her spend the next hour chasing the pig around. I had a kayak paddle [cut to POV shot of him sprinting down the road holding a big unwieldy paddle] and I was trying to box the thing in and I asked her 'will it bite me' and she said it might, so. 

At that point I determined that I wasn't going to actually try to grab the pig if I got close enough. So every time it would run by me I would just make loud noises to make it seem like I was trying to catch it. [POV of him stalking the pig through the woods. When it runs past him, the narrator distractedly shouts "HUBRAP!"] 

About an hour and thirty minutes into chasing the pig the boyfriend shows up. On foot. With a rifle. And at this point I've been driving a golf cart around so I have the only means of transportation. So he gets into the golf cart with me [POV shot of him loading the kayak paddle into the golf cart] and we are chasing the pig around.

And I didn't realise what the plan was, it should have been obvious at the time, but it didn't hit me until I saw him ask people "Can I shoot this pig in your backyard?" And these are my neighbours.

[Cut to video:

Boyfriend: I'm going to talk to this guy and see if he's alright if I shoot a gun in his backyard. 

Narrator: ...Okay

Narrator: You want me to come with the paddle?

The boyfriend's response is cut off]

And surprisingly the neighbours were saying 'yes', so he just posted up in random peoples' backyards taking shots at this pig. And he's missing shots, like. I'm chasing this pig around with a kayak paddle [POV of him holding the paddle while full-on sprinting down a side street, feet slapping hard on the pavement, the pig absolutely flooring it ahead of him] It looks like bad bodycam police footage...

At one point we had the pig in the water, and uh. I thought for sure we had it then but it turns out we didn't [POV of the pig launching itself out of a marshy pond. You can hear loud splashing. The narrator and his paddle stumble back, and sprint off after the pig]

Altercations started at around 5pm. At around 7:45pm we had the pig back where it all started, in my front yard. The gentleman had the pig in his scope. He says something like 'permission to deploy lethal firearm at pig' I said something like 'permission granted', he shoots it, the pig falls over dead. 

He says "Hey listen, I'll be back in 30 minutes to an hour with a truck, to pick the pig up and take it back to process it". I said "okay, I'll be in my house, just kind of processing everything" and he said "okay". 

So 45 minutes later I get a knock on the door, I walk outside, no truck in sight. But he's standing there with a little wagon. And it's him and this other guy. And the other guy's like, "my blood sugar's low right now, so I can't help pick the pig up, so we're going to need you to help." And I said "that makes sense."

We put it in the wagon, and that's when the guy says "oh. It's still alive."

So he's like "Oh, do you have your gun?" And the other guy's like "No, do you have yours?" And he's like "no."

At this point I was like, "Listen guys. I have a gun that I use. It's made for like, backcountry hiking, for like bears and stuff, I'm sure it'll take care of the pig." So I go get my gun, I give it to him, I'm like "I'm not shooting my gun, you shoot the gun. We get arrested, it's on you, it's not me." So he shoots the gun.

And this whole time they're talking about some lady named like. Stephanie or something? They're like "oh if Stephanie finds out, we're in trouble..." And they're looking at me like "You're the property owner. if Stephanie wants to come here and yell at us you have to tell her like, 'you're not allowed on my property'."

So at this point, I'm like... My job is to deliver the firearm, and to make sure Stephanie doesn't come on the property. So they're over there shooting this very very loud gun, on the property. I'm looking for Stephanie, I don't know what she looks like but I'm looking for her. 

Meanwhile, another - a lot of commotion's going on, there's people shooting a pig in the front yard at the lake. But this other guy comes over, and he's like...a pig killing specialist, I guess, in his past life? And he was like "Oh a gun's never going to kill that pig, you gotta take a -"

And if you don't like graphic stuff, exit out here, ok? Just... just warning you.

He's like "You gotta take a knife and you gotta slit its neck here and here [along the carotids] and let it bleed out to death." So. I. hhhh. I go get a kitchen knife, hand it to the kid. He's putting it up to the thing's neck, and he just like... He slits the neck right here and here [carotids] and, ah. 

For the next probably 45 minutes it bleeds out in the front yard, ah, which is probably the most amount of blood I've ever seen in my entire life. Just pooling up in the front yard. Uh, it's still there actually, and they told me it's going to smell really bad so to pour like bleach on it or something, to kill it.

But...So I went to pour bleach on it this morning. But there's like packs of dogs that have been coming in the yard and feeding on the dried blood. So I didn't want to pour bleach on it 'cause I don't want the dogs to die. So it's just... I'm in this weird situation now. Um. 

So if anybody's ever been through anything like this before, and has any advice or tips on how to get the ... roughly probably like ... I don't really know ounces that well, but I would say it's in the thousands of ounces. Maybe not? I don't know ounces. I shoulda said gallons. If anybody's been in a situation like this before and you kinda know how to clean up a pile of blood in the front yard, let me know. Thanks.

All the episodes of Galavant are on the Internet Archive!