Figured it out later

Drove to Boston on a whim

Got a new jazzmaster guitar

Quit mcgarrybowen

Became better friends with Terrence and Alex

Went to a Suds show

Met my boyfriend Rob

Got a new job at Quartz

Started a band with Skip and Brian and Gib.

Entered a pandemic

Painted the apartment

Left the apartment

Learned to skateboard

Learned to olli

Learned to popshuvit

Told Rob I love him. Rob breaks my heart. Still together though.

Played hockey more

Played hockey even more

Went to a Black Lives Matter protest. Say her name. Breonna Taylor.

Got let go from Quartz. World economy meltdown :D

Became better friends with AJ and Kev

Get drunk with AJ and Kev. Locked out of Battaglia’s apartment. All sleep together in my car.

Spent more time outdoors than ever before

Met Boots and helped him to play goalie more

Start believing Rob when he says he loves me

Joined more hockey teams

Laid down with AJ in his driveway while he had a minor mental breakdown. Things got... weird. Hugged him. Told him it would be okay.

Remember my mental breakdown from 2019

Went to the adirondacks. Dolan’s lake!

Did cocaine

Did LSD. SAW EVERYTHING. Absolutely no parking on either side of the road.

Went camping.

Trimmer almost got eaten by coyotes. Don’t get out of the tent!

Became a vegetarian.

Cheat a lot at being vegetarian.

Feel healthier.

Drink less.

Workout more.

Went to Syracuse with AJ. AJ goes a little mental. He’s okay though.

Become politically more centrist.

Go to Aruba with Rob. Cried because it was too much of a gift to me.

Turn 25.

Trimmer talks to me to tell me to stop driving drunk.

Enter the second wave of the pandemic.

Vote for Joe Biden. Hope for peace.

Watch US politics get really crazy. Try to not think about it... fail at not thinking about it.

Got a new job at Fingerpaint Marketing. 

Feel the least stressed about my own life ever. 

Feel the most stressed about the rest of the world ever.

Lockdown again.

Still playing hockey.

Drink even less.

Rob got COVID. Couldn’t spend christmas with him even though it’s all I really wanted to do.

Happy new year. Fire pit at trimmers house. Finally got to kiss someone I love on New Years Eve. Felt like one of the milestones on my bucket list was crossed off.

-

Every time I post a selfie 3 things happen

I get a slight ego boost from all the gay guys sending me heart and kissy-face emojis and the straight girls that say “If you were straight I would be all over you”

I check the amount of people that have viewed my post — the amount of people that seem to take some weird interest in my life.

I had a dream I saw him at an old broken down road at sunset, and I kissed him.

I’m not dead.

I’ve met more friends than any time in the rest of my life.

I came out in February. Everyone was cool with it.

I took my first dive into voice acting. It’s harder than I expected, but there is real potential to pursue it again in the future.

I joined my first league for roller hockey.

I am a capable hockey player who can fit in in most levels of play.

I got an iPhone 7 and ditched android for the first time ever.

I dated guys for the first time.

I fell in love for the first time.

I fell in love for the second time.

I finished two semesters of school taking six courses in one of those semesters.

I met Lexie, Lauren, and Tom – all of which are probably my biggest best friends.

I can hold a conversation in french.

I created a YouTube vlog channel.

I have driven 13,000 miles.

Ran from the police for the first time ever.

Ran from the police for the second time ever.

Went on 3 roadtrips by myself.

Saw Keira grow and learn how to do things.

Learned how to make Keira smile :) she still smiles every time too.

Went to a frat party.

Did a keg stand.

Smoked out of a bong.

Went airsofting for the first time.

Helped a friend buy cocain.

Worked as a bouncer for a concert.

Retired from LG.

Told Aunt Diane I was gay.

Laughed at Aunt Diane not knowing how to react yet trying to be positive. “I know lots of gay people! They’re great! Don’t wear pink bows in your hair though.”

Stopped working at the Staten Island Advance.

Wrote for other online news websites.

Found a real drinking buddy.

Got drunk with said drinking buddy. Did 13 shots, befriended a drunk old man, befriended an Uber driver. Got free Uber ride to get home

Made friends with a drug dealer. Drug dealer tells me he doesn’t like to be called a drug dealer and prefers to be called “drug lord”

Drug dealer tells me he’s dying from cancer. He beats cancer.

Dad gets new knees. Can walk around now.

Went laser tagging for the first time.

Drove a boat.

Celebrated the one year anniversary of my podcast.

Went to a college hockey game for the first time.

Made a website for myself.

Started my undergrad project analyzing differences between the attitudes of American society on gay men and gay women. Woo! Go Lauren!

Went to a club for the first time.

Went to a play for the first time.

I don’t like the feeling of being replaceable. And I know you’d say that I’m not replaceable but I am. I know because when you tried to calm me down in my drunken emotional chaos you told me one day that some guy will make me really happy. Which implies you can’t be that guy gonna one day. So that means you think you’re replaceable to me. And you’re not. I hate myself for writing that. All these things.

I want to go back in time. To that moment when I was sitting on your couch at the beach house and I told you while we were cuddling next to each other that “I wish I could play this moment on repeat forever and never have it end.” I didn’t know how things would go, but I knew they were particularly calm. I didn’t love you at the time. I just really liked to be with you. I wish I didn’t fall in love with you. You can’t choose who you though, yeah? Fuck that rule sucks.

I know I don’t go back now. I kissed you on the cheek the last time while you were sleeping thinking that one of these times will be the last time I would be able to kiss you.

I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve probably been a bit much messaging you a lot since you went back to school and just… coming to see you without you even asking me really… Maybe i shouldn’t have done that. And I know you like that other kid a lot. It was a little hard at first when you first started dating Christian. But I knew the plan at the time.

But then I tried talking to other people and it didn’t go so well. And i think you seemed like you knew what you were doing more with just dating other people, but it’s been almost a year now and i still feel… new(?) to this all. Just… caring about other people so much. It was so strange the first time i fell in love. That was a roller coaster and a fucking half and I couldn’t deal with it and when me and that guy stopped talking it was hard but I knew it was over.

And when I was realizing I loved you I fucking got so frustrated because I wasn’t supposed to do that. You weren’t supposed to happen.

I think I knew–

I just don’t want there to ever be a day where I know I can’t hug you. But I’m scared there will be a day now and i fucking hate that I even care this much.

You’re not supposed to matter at all still. But you do and what the fucking fuck emotions are so fucking annoying.

Part of me thinks I would’ve been better if I was dating another person I really liked. But without that… I’ve not really had another person to really lay next to and feel as comfortable as I did with you. I know there’s someone else somewhere… and last time I came to DC and you explicitly said to not wait for you – that made me realize more that maybe I was being too much.

Sorry to throw that all at you. Some of this might be even stupid to even say. But I know that talking/writing about it is the best possible thing for my own head… communication yo.