Fighting the Tide

Dear S,

Well, it has been quite a long long time since we have spoken. You somehow found out I was coming to California and texted me a five page apology on how sorry you were and how you understand if I don't forgive you. This is a vicious cycle. You are always apologizing and expecting me to forgive you by saying 'Don't forgive me'. 

This isn't an angry letter. This is just a letter letting you know I still love you, I do forgive you, but I do not wish to prolong a friendship with you because I will get hurt. I do not wish to see you when I come to California because I have fallen in love with someone else. I do not want to ruin the relationship I have with him by reimbursing my connection and feelings for you. 

I still hold to this, you are the lucky one that was able to break down this tall, thick wall I put up and shut everyone out. I don't understand how you did it, but I can not let you back in. 

I do believe you can love again, but it is a different type of love. And the love I have for you and him are two completely different types. Although yours is a bit sour, I still care for you. I just can not mess up this wonderful relationship I have going on in my life right now. I understand you have a girlfriend, but you were never faithful to your girlfriends. I did explain this to you when you called me but you didn't seem to quite get it. You did always have that very convincing and charming factor to you, but I am sticking to this.

I know you will be happy for me for finding someone who treats me right, unlike you or any of my past boyfriends. I understand you're just not mature enough for a strong and committed relationship, but I can't do this any longer. I think you did enough damage over the past two years and I came out swinging. I'm proud of myself for not letting you in last time, or this time and I hope you are too, you have always told me you know you aren't good for anyone. Thank you for making me stronger and teaching me the lessons you have. I think it is now time, to close the book for ever. For, I have fallen in love. Thank you for the past, but I do not see a future with you. 

From, 

Dear Spencer,

So I find myself picking up the pen again and I have forgiven you and we have been on and off for months now. I love you and I am angry at you but how can I stay angry when you made me the person I am today?

I know you're not doing this intentionally, but it hurts me and I just need to stay away from you. 

We can't be friends because we fall for each other more and more when we communicate. 

Maybe the future holds better days for us, but for now, this isn't working.

From,

Dear Spencer,

I've decided to let go. 

You cause me pain and anger. Although, I love you… you're not worth the distance and the anguish you cause me. The distrust I have for you is unreal and I can't believe how much of a phony you were to me.

You're a dog and I'll probably forgive you because I am a complete idiot but I'm angry right now. Very angry.

Have a nice life.

From,

You know that feeling, when you feel ten times closer with someone after you have a disagreement, in the process of forgiveness? Well, that was the story of us. After our huge brawl, but just before distance tore us apart. I still remember it, in that moment, we were infinite, so connected and powerful as if nothing could ever come between us. I still have the same feeling inside, when I was sitting on your lap, cuddling into you. You were holding me tight and brushing my hair out of my face. Sometimes when I think about it, it hurts because I miss you so much. I never thought, I personally would ever feel something so deep. I was never the type to fall in love, heck I’m still not. But you, you’re the lucky one that got away with it. 

Not being with you causes me pain, mentally and physically. I know you’re thinking…physically? Believe me, it’s possible. It’s that tight pain in my chest, that empty feeling. That feeling of feeling so alone and lost and at a loss of control. So hurt that me, myself, I’m physically in pain. I can feel the muscles in my throat aching, the muscles in my neck hurt and the pain from holding back my tears? Oh, that’s unexplainable. 

I still remember that piggy back ride you gave me because I hurt my leg up those seven flights of stairs. What a champ you are! I remember the tears in your eyes on the last night we were together. I remember opening my door after we said goodbye and I remember the tears rolling down your face. I remember hopping into bed but hearing my phone vibrate and reading a text, “Be at your door at 6:45”. I remember you were there at 6:40. I remember you walking me to my breakfast table and saying goodbye then. But, of course that wasn’t goodbye. I remember you coming back up to me and saying goodbye and then you just happened to be on my shuttle bus. I remember everything.

I remember feeling lost confused and hurt. All these emotions were just pouring into me. That was the first time I felt real pain in forever. Don’t take all this the wrong way, it shows how much I felt for you, and still do feel. It was the first time I’ve connected with someone, so strong and so fast. My family asked me if I was going to be okay constantly. 

That week was the best week of my life. I just miss you so much and I don’t like the miles and miles that come between us. I’ll never understand why goodbyes have to exist. I’m sorry this is all so sad, it’s just that its 1:30 am and here I lay with you on my mind. I don’t go a day without thinking about you, you’re the first and last thought in my mind. 

Love,

Even though we met under difficult circumstances, it shows we can pull through anything. I think this distance is a bunch of bullshit, but I also think it'll help us in the long run. This will help us build up trust and communicate. Not to mention, it will be awesome when we meet again. 

You really surprised me with all of this and showed me and taught me things I never knew about myself. You made me feel beautiful, you taught me how to love, and you were the pushing force behind my recovery. You were the one person I wasn't afraid to open up to, and for all of this, I thank you. 

I'm not going to give up on what we have because being with you has changed me and I can't let you go. Hopefully where ever the future takes us, we end up together. I miss you so much, more than you can ever understand. 

You are one of a kind and never forget that. 

Love, 

Well as events have processed I find myself picking up the pen once more. The happiness I felt tonight was absolutely 100% unparalleled. If a picture was worth a thousand words my time with you has been a lifetime of words. You are an astoundingly beautiful and amazing girls. And I can promise this, I will, WILL find away or ways to see you. I will not let trivialities such as distance effect such a thing as we have. We may even go to college together. The future can be predicted by nobody, but I presume that our past together will result in an interlocking future. 

I already miss you Kirsten… You sitting on my lap… Laying your head against my shoulder. Those images will go through my mind very often. Yes, I long to have you by my side, cuddling up to me, your soft, little hands rubbing my arm. I'll keep those thoughts and memories close to my heart. 

We will see each other again, I promise. Goodbye Kirsten you're more amazing than you can ever know. 

Love, 

When I first came up to you I can honestly say I had no intention, as I have told you. But, as time went on that night, I realized more and more o who you are, I began feeling for you. Actually, the time we went to the pool together, and I first saw you in a bikini, I couldn't stop staring. Beautiful and sexy.

But, nevertheless, you probably would not like to hear me say these things. I just want you to know how amazing of a girl you are. And I hope maybe someday we will meet again but under better circumstances. I won't talk about the more intimate moments obviously you don't want them on paper.

Despite how much fun those times were the times spent together with no romantics were just as enjoyable for me, without you, I would most likely relegated myself to the solitude of my room for the majority of the trip. Instead, I looked forward to every night, like I don't think I have looked forward to something maybe ever. If it helps anything, I would have loved to just talk to you for hours and hours because of how fun you are. I could stare at your face for hours just admiring your beauty.

Thank you for hanging out with and being with me, when you easily could have had your pick of almost anyone there. I hope you do not just one more tear. Again I'm very sorry for the pain I caused you. A face like yours should not be marred in sorrow. 

I'm not quite sure about your feelings for me, but I have fallen for you. I hope your feelings are a way that best assures your everlasting happiness. 

I hope you can one day forgive my folly. Kirsten, You are and extremely amazing girl - I'll miss you very much. 

Love,