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MDZS fandom and racism

I joined MDZS fandom in the beginning of 2020 after binge-watching CQL/The Untamed on Netflix. I was thrilled for the chance to join a Chinese fandom and reconnect with my heritage, especially since I'd recently come back from a trip to Taiwan, where I visited my extended family for the first time in over a decade.

I went in and out of discord servers of various sizes, read and commented on fics voraciously, and as I gained confidence I posted a few fics, translations, and metas of my own. I also offered to answer questions and do sensitivity reading, always with a disclaimer that my responses were limited by my experience and knowledge.

Unfortunately, as I got more involved with fandom, I also encountered more cultural insensitivity and racism, as well as some targeted cruelty. Reading fic and going on social media gradually became a huge minefield, as people (often with a huge following) proclaimed misinformation with confidence and lashed out at those who tried to correct them, posted author's notes such as "I didn't mean to be racist but I also didn't feel like doing research, so if you have the gumption to correct me, then do so," or wrote racism into their fics for "humor" or "flavor." In both fic and meta, certain characters' behaviors were framed in subtly or explicitly racist ways without an ounce of cultural context or perspective.

Then there were more direct personal impacts - anon asks berating me for making different translation choices, being talked over or ignored when I brought up cultural connections (and corrections) in discord servers, getting used and discarded as a convenient resource for cultural knowledge or language without acknowledgement and having my feedback ignored anyway, not to mention subtweets questioning my background and "right" to participate or accusations of "not being Chinese enough" from other fans of Chinese heritage.

Suffice to say, several times I thought about deleting all my fanworks (fics, translations, meta) and simply disappearing. After all, I wasn't "Chinese enough," yet I also couldn't help but be drawn in, over and over again, as I tried to share elements of my upbringing and heritage and culture, hoping that just this once people would listen. (And that's not to discount the people who did! It just wasn't the majority.) Although I rarely expressed it in public, I didn't feel like I belonged in any part of MDZS fandom - an unfortunate echo of the constant refrain in my head as I grew up: "You're not Chinese enough, you're not Taiwanese enough, and you're not American enough. You are not enough."

On belonging

Thanks to the model minority myth, I'm "acceptable" as a passive, hardworking, non-threatening American up until I'm not. After all, Asians sometimes aren't even considered people of color in the United States. Regardless of whether I'm considered American or foreign, I get sexualized and fetishized as a submissive Asian woman, which comes with a whole other layer of issues.

I'm also not Chinese enough, not Taiwanese enough, and never will be - I didn't grow up in either China or Taiwan. But every time I try to embrace either of those parts of my heritage a little more, I get called whitewashed, a banana, a twinkie, a try-hard, a fake, especially by those who have a more direct line to Chinese culture by virtue of family dynamics, wealth, or background. I've wondered often if I have the right to be in a Chinese fandom, especially to share meta and translations, or write fic with references to Chinese language and culture.

The irony is, there's no way to "win," either in life or in fandom. The more Chinese culture I put into a fic based on my research or experiences - the less reception it receives. Maybe it's not relatable or accessible. Maybe it's uncomfortable. Maybe it doesn't fit into the neat little box that people have about how a Chinese character "should" act, how a Chinese story "should" be told, or what certain Chinese characters' behavior "should" be - particularly if they're using a different cultural/social/moral framework to read or interpret the canon.

At the same time, I often struggle with thinking my writing is too American. Maybe that makes it more palatable to general fandom - but maybe it's doing a disservice to my own heritage or to Chinese and Chinese diaspora people. Maybe I'm presenting misconceptions, or encouraging stereotypes, or overall acting as a bad cultural representative. I've felt this very acutely in smaller discords that I moderate or am a member of - what if people just take my word for things and it's wrong?

That's the thing about being part of a marginalized group - there's a pressure to get everything perfectly right when you speak or express yourself, because if you don't, then who does? When there's little representation, your voice is naturally amplified; you better make sure you're serving as a good example so as to not give people more ammunition against your particular group. I've struggled with this professionally and personally my whole life, and it's always led to paralysis or burnout.

In this sense, MXTX Diaspora May has been a breath of fresh air for me. I can celebrate the fact that I don't have to be "Chinese," "Taiwanese," "American" - I can simply be, the amalgamation of all my experiences without having to portion out what "fits" into each one. The other wonderful thing is that I don't have to be the sole representative of all Chinese diaspora. I can write the fics that reflect my lived experience and heritage; I can choose how much of myself I include in them, and I can rest assured that it will be celebrated without me needing to justify why I did so. Moreover, I can appreciate the breadth and depth of the Chinese diaspora experience, which can often be both similar and different to my own.

Chinese diaspora are not a monolith, no matter what past fandom drama would have you believe. Events like MXTX Diaspora May or collections like Danmei Diaspora Creatives highlight the diversity of diaspora voices and experiences. When it comes to anti-racism, taking the time to listen, empathize with, and elevate these voices and experiences are a key part of the fight. And if you find your perspective shifting a little, maybe even in a discomfiting way, take a moment to sit with that and see how your biases or preconceived notions might be contributing to a broader pattern of thinking.

Racism exists in fandom because racism exists in society, and fandom inevitably reflects the social and cultural mores of its participants. To dismantle the frameworks that perpetuate systemic and structural racism, we must use a variety of approaches, including practicing cultural humility. I hope that fandom will continue evolving into a more open-minded place by taking the time to understand, appreciate, and elevate different cultural perspectives, particularly those that differ from the dominant one. In the meantime, I'll continue to celebrate my complex cultural identity and encourage others to do the same.

Please take the time to check out the following collections of fanworks from Chinese diaspora creators in danmei fandoms, including MXTX fandoms.

MXTX Diaspora May

2023 collection

2022 collection

2021 collection (MDZS only)

Danmei Diaspora Creatives: AO3 collection

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