𝐅𝐈𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐑𝐄𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇.

How do you move on? You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back.

I’ve never been able to connect with anyone, the way I connected with her. From the moment we first met, I knew she was different. The way she spoke, her voice, the way the galaxies were present in her soft, brown eyes. I never believed in soul mates till I met her. I feel like for the first time in my life, the universe has worked in my favour. A gift from the heavens. And lord knows I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her

I’m always soft for you, that’s the problem. You could come knocking on my door five years from now and I would open my arms wider and say ‘come here, it’s been too long, it felt like home with you.

Every relationship I’ve built in the past few months have been completely different, totally eye opening. Human beings are interesting creatures when you allow yourself to step back and analyze everything. Detaching yourself but also being able to be right in the middle of it, observing behaviors and how people speak and react to certain things. It’s really been a learning experience for the most part. Everyone has this little, tiny vulnerable side and if you pay close enough attention, eventually they’ll reveal it to you. Sometimes without knowing, sometimes openly. But everyone has a little darkness, doubt and fear in their lives. It’s how we can relate to other people, or feel a type of connection towards one another.

My almost love: Shortly before you, I had practically stopped believing in unconditional love. I’d spent years watching toxic relationships be filled with door-slamming arguments that were fueled with meaningless rage. The whole fake ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m working late’ type of deal. I thought love was just something people made up because they were too afraid to die alone. I thought it was all a bunch of garbage, up until I heard the way my name sounded on your lips. That’s when it really happened; when I first heard your voice ( the only thing that’s every sounded as sweet and smooth as honey.) and when I looked into your soft chocolate brown eyes for the very first time - that is when I went overboard. You see most of the time, you completely terrified me. I had never witnessed love ever be anything that good, never be something that didn’t make people angry. Yet, there I was; I couldn’t look at you without feeling my throat in my stomach and I was utterly convinced I could never say your name louder than a whisper. You were literal perfection. We got along so well that it felt as if we melted into each other, all my bitterness for the world went away when I was with you. I thought I had found my place to call home. My happy ending. And that’s when you left, that’s I understood that things were about to get awfully dark, awfully quick. I completely lost myself for quite awhile after you. It was like drowning on air; I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t move-without the weight of your absence weighing down on my chest. Everything became so incredibly dark that I wondered how someone could fill a soul with so much light and then also drain every last ounce of it. To drain it to the point of where you begin to wonder if there was ever any there at all. And I swear I did my best to drown the thoughts of you in practically anything else; I spent many of my nights in strangers beds with empty bottles and smoke filled lungs. Desperately trying to rid my body of the feeling of you fingers on my skin, to forget what it felt like to exist in a world with you. In the end, their hands felt like fire on my skin and my heart was still so doggedly loyal to you that it screamed betrayal. The broken bottles couldn’t fix my broken heart and the smoked that coated my lungs even reminded me of you. My heart was dying. Before you I had no idea what it was like to feel someone’s absence, I didn’t realize empty space and white noise could be so heavy. You were my almost everything, my almost late night conversations and Sunday mornings spent making pancakes in the kitchen. You would’ve been the calm to all of my storms and shoulder I lean against when the world felt heavy. My kiss on the cheek when I came home and the only person I’d give my last bite of cake for. One taste of you and I could you see the next sixty years of my life. Now it’s five years later and even though sometimes I still can’t sleep over the idea of you or I look for you in empty faces; you will always be my favorite almost, my worst heartbreak, and my biggest lesson. Because without you, I never would’ve really felt unconditional love, what it meant to love you with gentle hands and soft lips. To love you so much so that I could never find anger in your happiness - even if that happiness doesn’t involve me. To love you enough to accept that loving you, meant letting you love her. To love you and all of our almost’s.

I asked myself again and again over our “almost ended” relationship: “Has it ever meant more than this?” I almost had an answer but I didn’t, and I almost get over you but I haven’t. there will always be a place in my heart spared for you. there is always space for you in my life. come back whenever you feel like it and stay till whenever you feel comfortable… but I will live on anyway even as that vacancy is not filled.

How can I miss a thing that never was. How we just clicked. It was so easy. I know you felt it too. This was different from anything either of us had experienced before. I never thought you would take up so much of my time, even now after all this time you are still the reason I write poetry about love. Why were you only an ‘almost’ when I know in my heart that what we had could have lasted a lifetime.

Look at us telling each other lies and lies about how we felt about how it was just one night about how it didn’t affect me nor you. Here’s the truth: I think I actually like you more than I intended to.