Anniversary
On the first anniversary of Rowan's death, Alice finds that grief is a lonely thing to carry. Simon shows her she doesn't have to carry it alone.
Alice sat on the small jetty near Hagrid's hut, her boots hanging over the black water as she watched the moonlight tremble across the lake in broken silver. The February cold seeped up through the damp boards and into her bones. She’d come here often since her first week at Hogwarts, back when this place had been a sanctuary from school-sized troubles: Merula’s potion sabotage, corridor whispers, the constant pressure of keeping up. Even the search for her brother had felt like something she could survive.
Now, the lake looked the same, but nothing else did. Today had been the first anniversary of Rowan’s death. One year since the flash of green that had split the darkness of the Forbidden Forest. One year since Rakepick had taken away her best friend. One year since her world had been turned upside down. One year…
People said time healed all wounds, and yet. Even if Rakepick had been caught and left to rot in Azkaban, even if the vaults had all been dealt with, even if she had found her brother, it didn’t change the empty space beside Alice in the library, the missing laugh in the Great Hall, the hole in her heart. Nothing fitted properly anymore.
Her friends had tried. They offered food, jokes, distractions. They avoided any mentions of death, as if it were a hex. They meant well, but the day had felt like a secret she was carrying alone. Charlie had looked at her over breakfast and asked why she was so gloomy. She’d stared at him until he remembered. Even then, his face had only softened in belated understanding.
Only one person actually understood what she was going through, because loss lived in him too…
“Alice?”
Speak of the devil. Her mouth tugged into a thin, rueful almost-smile, akin to a crack in the ice. “You remembered, didn’t you?”
“How could I not.” He stayed standing a few steps behind her, hands in his pockets. “She was my friend too.”
Alice kept her eyes on the lake. If she looked at him, she might unravel. “I know. It’s just… The others don’t seem to—”
Simon lowered himself to sit beside her, the boards creaking softly. “Ben’s been sombre all day. Barnaby spent his entire free period surrounded by crups. And Merula’s barely spoken a word—”
“That’s unusual.” The words came out flat.
“Exactly.” His gaze followed the ripples out into the darkness. “Except for Barnaby, we were all there when it happened. I don’t think that… image will ever fade from our memory.”
Alice’s fingers worried at a splinter in the jetty until it snapped off under her nail. She glanced at him, not a boy anymore, not for a long time. No one at eighteen should have seen as much death as he had, or learned grief so intimately. “Does it ever go away?”
He didn’t need to ask what she meant. He simply shook his head. “Not really. It dulls. But it’s always there, mind you, waiting. The right word, the right light, and you’re back in it.” He paused. “Like a scar. Still there long after you’ve stopped bleeding.”
Alice’s gaze returned to the still surface of the lake. “I’m sorry.”
Simon’s head snapped towards her. “Don’t. Don’t you dare—”
A tear slid down her cheek, warm. She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them, resting her chin on top as if it might hold her together. “If I hadn’t gone after those vaults, chased after Rakepick, Rowan would still be alive. Ben wouldn’t be trying to defy death every chance he got. And you…” Her voice cracked. “You wouldn’t have another—”
“Alice, look at me.”
His voice was so steady that her eyes were drawn straight to his.
“Rakepick is the one to blame,” he said, each word deliberate. “She’s the one who betrayed your brother, she’s the one who betrayed you in fifth year, she’s the one who killed Rowan. None of this is on you.”
Alice’s breath hitched. “Tell that to the part of me that keeps replaying that night, over and over,” she whispered. “The green light. Rowan’s face. The way everything just… stopped.”
Something flickered behind Simon’s eyes, like he was watching another memory unfold in the dark. “I know.”
That was Simon: no grand gesture, no hollow comfort. Just him, here.
“I hate that I’m still so angry,” she admitted. “Not just at Rakepick. At everyone who gets to laugh today as if the world didn’t change. At myself for laughing yesterday.”
“You’re allowed,” he said quietly. “To laugh, to cry, to be angry. To forget for a moment. Rowan wouldn’t want you to stop living for her sake.”
Alice blinked hard as her vision blurred. “But when I’m not thinking about it, about her, I feel like I’m leaving her behind.”
“She’s not gone,” Simon murmured. “Not really. Every time you go down a research rabbit hole in the library, that’s her. Every terrible pun you pretend to hate. That’s where she is now. She’ll always be with you, forever.”
A weak laugh escaped her. “That’s terribly cheesy of you, Selwood.”
A faint smile tugged at his mouth. “I have my moments.” He looked out over the water, and for a second, the moonlight caught in his eyes. “Suppose that’s how Rowan stays with me.”
“She did rather have a knack for dreadful one-liners.” Alice closed her eyes, the memory of Rowan’s grin hurting like pressing on a bruise.
They fell quiet. For a long moment they listened to the gentle lap of water against the jetty. Somewhere behind them an owl called, the sound cutting through the night like a thread.
“I’m sorry,” she said again.
“Beaumont, we’ve already—”
“I’m not apologising for that.” She swallowed. “I’m apologising because I never asked you how you were doing. I just assumed you were… getting on with it. Because you always do. And yet, I’m sure it brought back some painful memories.”
Simon nodded, slow. “It’s not like it suddenly brought back the memory of my parents’ murder; that’ll never go away.” His jaw tightened. “It just brought the grief back to the surface. Hadn’t felt that way in ages.” He let out a shaky breath. “Angry, always, as you know. Some nights I can’t sleep unless I count every breath until morning. And some mornings I wake up and it hits me all over again that they’re all gone, and I have to pretend it doesn’t affect me while I tie my tie.”
“Like this morning?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Like this morning.”
They sat shoulder to shoulder without touching, close enough that the space between them felt deliberate.
“I miss her so much.”
“I know.”
“Sometimes, I find myself wanting to tell her something,” Alice said, staring at the place where moonlight broke on the water. “And then I remember that I can’t.”
“You can talk to me, you know.”
“I don’t want to lumber you with my demons, Simon. You have enough of your own.”
His gaze didn’t waver. “You’ll never be a burden to me, Alice.”
That made her look at him. Whatever was in his face, it wasn't pity, only recognition and understanding that came at too high a price.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“Always.”
A/N: Hope you enjoyed yourselves. Well, as much as someone can enjoy a fic revolving around grief. The "first week of Hogwarts" bit is a small reference to this fic.

















