Alex Turner

Tell me about it. The years have flown by and I’m still coming to terms with it. I just hope he’ll be happy at whatever fulfills him. I think life really does have to smack us in the face sometimes before something really great comes out of the pen or pencil.

I bet, I get spooked enough when people tell me how long it’s been since we released some of our albums and stuff and I’m just thinking “fuck me, I swear I wrote that riff only last month”. Can’t imagine what it’s like with your own flesh and blood. That’s true, and as songwriters, we’ve got to take the hits, knowing that it’s probably gonna do us some good in the future.

How do you talk to your best friend? I’m always nice to mine!

I’ve got a few best mates. The rest of the Monkeys, we like talking shit to each other a lot, but I also love them like mad because we’re not afraid of being totally honest and real with one another. Miles, we just spend most of our time flirting with each other.

Same, actually, I turn 33 in March. There’s nothing wrong with learning new things, though. My mother decided to learn a new language this year, and it worked in her favor. It’s all about determination and all that. Alexandra makes me sound like the wife of Czar Nicholas II, her name was Alexandra. I read a biography on them once. Or at least tried, it was pretty big and I didn’t have the time.

Do you? Darling, I wouldn’t have even put your age over 30, honest to god. I’m 33 in January - in like two weeks actually - and I’m still a total mess of a man. Yeah? I like the sound of your mum, anybody who works hard on furthering their talents and knowledge is instantly a solid person, to me. And what’s wrong with you sounding like an Empress of Russia? That’s fucking cool, to me. One thing I do like about my full name being Alexander is that it’s attached to multiple iconic historical figures. Like fucking Alexander the Great, a total game changer in the classical era of civilization. But that’s just me. 

Hot men in tight pants, running. Enough said. Long as Aaron doesn’t get hit though there is everything to love about it.

Not like you get many close-up shots of the tight pants. If that’s all you’re looking for in a sport, can I interest you in gymnastics? They got tight clothing, and there’s plenty of close-ups. You’re not presenting a convincing argument. Much prefer me proper football.

It bothers me! I try to be a nice person, you know, and I’ve got a kid to set a good example for. 

Just pretend we’re best mates or summat, so you can excuse yourself and say whatever the fuck you wanna to me. I’m sure your kid won’t mind.

Damn, congratulations! That’s impressive. I’ll tell that to my mom when I’m playing it, I’m sure she’ll be blown away and more willing to listen to it with me. Happy holidays to you!

Thanks, darling, appreciate it. It’s definitely not bad, as things go. Yeah? Does your mom have much experience with our music? You too, hope you’ve got a good week and a half or so ahead of you.

..Different Taylor though, yeah? Shame, though. We could’ve pretended it was some kind of secret gang we had going on or somethin’. Right out in plan sight?! You’re mad.

As far as I know. I have been told maybe I should go after Swifty now, but she’s with that old bandmate of yours. That would be funny, people having the balls to even mention the tattoos, and us just coming up with a fucking wild story about how we’d purposely dated Taylors just so we could form our own secret gang with our matching tattoos, or summat ridiculous like that. That’s me, mad as a hatter. 

Then that can be something you learn in the next year. Growth, you know? Yeah, I can imagine you settle into something and then to have people point it out must refresh the weird. Then Turner you shall be called. I still don’t mind being called Alexandra, if it doesn’t make you feel like you’re talking to yourself.

I’m nearly 33 - you’d have thought I’d have learnt that by now. Just spent me time learning fancy words and how to play guitar chords instead. I mean, I think Alexandra sounds way better than just Alex, but that’s just me. Alexandra, it’s rich and full as a name, you know? I don’t know what I’m saying, I just like calling people by their full names. 

I see the reasoning you’re giving me there and don’t buy any of it. Ah, you’ve still got a lovely little soft spot, I see. Cute.

Summat like that, yeah. Not to sound like a twat, but there’s summat poetic about keeping the tattoo. We’ve all got scars from the shit that’s happened in our lives, it just so happens that mine is on me arm, and it’s somebody’s name. 

It’s been alright, I can’t complain. My oldest son did his A Levels and passed them with flying colours so he’ll be heading off to uni soon and I’m not ready for it. Other than that, it’s been fairly tame. Messes can definitely give some inspiration.

Yeah? Fuck, I can’t believe your kid’s gonna be at uni, mate, that’s mad. Good on him, though, I hope he has a good time. And even if he doesn’t that he finds his thing and pursues it, because that’s what it’s all about, right? Oh yeah, the best songwriters are ones that had all the shit stuff happen in their life, because that’s how you write the best stuff. In my opinion, at least.

Pretending to unhear that.

Yeah? What’s so good about it, then? Reveal all. 

Even round all them models. I’m flattered as hell, babe.

I’m just saying it how I see it. I think some less eloquent and classy folk would call you fit as fuck. Of course, I’d never be so crass meself.