just some guy

shane, being the polite sneezer that he is always sneezes into his elbow & will even try to sneeze into a tissue if he can get one in time to cover his sneezes. if he can’t get a tissue to sneeze into, he grabs one immediately after to clean up his nose and to softly blow, even though his nose isn’t usually a mess after sneezing

ilya picks up on this without shane having to say anything & starts stocking up on tissues for once. he keeps a box both on his night stand & the night stand on the other side of the bed. he has tissues in the living room & also the bathrooms for easy access

like a person who loves cats/dogs etc. but always stays away from them bc they’re allergic. but they’re drunk rn and that critter is so cute; they just have to give it some love. allergies? what allergies? that’s a problem for their sober self.

or maybe their crush/partner is wearing a cologne/perfume they’re really into but they haven’t quite mentioned being allergic to it yet, so they’re just cuddled up to their person and are hitchy/itchy and refusing to say why… (and maybe their crush/partner has the kink)

Please and Ty ! Sorry for another request

First, this scenario is SO cute. Second, you have nothing to apologize for! Your requests are so fun to write, and you don’t send too many or anything! I hope you enjoy :)

The latter half of this fic (the car scene onward) was created by @softsicknose and me in a massive geeking-out session. I also added in a few sentences as recommended by the ridiculously lovely @snifflybabe. Thanks to both of them <33 This is set shortly after the ending of The Long Game.

——

Meovv (H/eated R/ivalry, Shane and Ilya)

Shane had never spent a lot of time around animals.

He hadn’t had a pet growing up - the Hollanders devoted all of their time and effort to hockey, so taking care of a cat or dog would have been difficult - and the same went for his hockey-playing friends and acquaintances. So his experiences had always been pretty limited, and he hadn’t done much of anything to remedy that in his adulthood.

Now that he and Ilya were married and finally living together full-time, Shane was used to life with a dog and enjoying it more than he’d ever thought he would. He’d pictured dogs as messy and rambunctious, and while Anya was certainly full of energy, she was far gentler and sweeter than Shane had expected her to be. A lot like her father, actually.

Shane still assumed, in the great debate of cats v. dogs, that he was more likely to be a cat person - they were quiet and calm, which matched his vibe well (maybe a little too well, if the aloofness associated with them was to be believed). But he hadn’t spent enough time near any to be sure.

When Shane pulled into the driveway of Hayden and Jackie’s home, Ilya made a show of slowly unbuckling his seatbelt and sighing exaggeratedly. “Do you think we will be able to eat lunch right away, or…?”

Shane gave him a little shove. “Don’t be an asshole.”

Ilya gave him his trademark (pain-in-the-ass) faux-innocent look. “I’m just very hungry, Shane.”

“Mhm. C’mon,” he said, ready to drag his husband by the collar of his shirt if he didn’t get a move on. Fortunately for both of them, Ilya just stuck out his pretty pink bottom lip like the drama queen he was and got out of the car.

“Hi, guys,” Jackie said with a smile as she greeted them at the door, gesturing for them to sit down on the couch. “Where the hell is Hayden, he was just here a secon—Hayden!”

“I’m here,” Hayden said, coming into the room carrying something small and black and white and fuzzy with teeny little claws — a cat?

Shane looked at Ilya, whose eyes had grown very wide with what looked like…fear? worry?…before a cheerful grin overtook his face. “Is that a kitty?” he said, and Shane couldn’t help but smile at the delight in his voice.

“Meet Sparkles,” Hayden said, then shrugged at Shane’s raised eyebrow. “The girls named her.”

“And Arthur,” Jackie added. “He got the last say.”

Hayden sighed. “Technically we got the last say, but…”

“May I pet her?” Ilya said in an awed voice. What the hell? Shane had never seen Ilya be so polite in Hayden’s presence. To his further surprise, Hayden smiled and gently held the kitten out for Ilya to take into his arms. Wow. Who knew that all it would take for the two of them to get along was the presence of a furry creature?

Jackie caught Shane’s gaze and grinned, probably thinking the same thing he was. Ilya made a small contented noise as Sparkles curled up in his lap. “She is gorgeous,” he said, blinking hard multiple times as he stroked her fur. Was he going to start crying? Shane thought the cat was cute too, but Ilya’s emotions seemed a little overboard. Still, the way that Ilya was so gentle and sweet with the tiny kitten made Shane absolutely melt. It made him want to climb into his husband’s lap and kiss and kiss and kiss him…but then, Hayden might never invite the two of them back.

“I just need to finish up the salad, and then we’ll be ready,” Jackie said. “But before that…” she went into a bedroom and brought out another cat, just as little and fuzzy as Sparkles. “Meet Sparkles’s brother!”

Ilya looked up from scritching behind Sparkles’s ears. Once again, his face morphed from terrified to excited, and no one but Shane seemed to notice. Shane muffled a quick cough into his elbow and watched the tuxedo cat’s austere, unblinking expression. How did animals look so human sometimes? This one looked like he needed a scotch and a cigarette and a nap. It was fucking adorable.

“His name’s Emmett,” Jackie continued.

“I named him,” Hayden cut in.

Ilya rolled his eyes, still petting Sparkles in a steady rhythm. “Of course you would name your cat a boring human name.” He sniffled, probably to emphasize his contempt.

Hayden crossed his arms. “Uh…doesn’t your dog have a human name?”

Ilya scowled at him like he had called Anya a filthy mongrel. “That is -snf- different. She has a beautiful name. Not like…” He screwed up his face, nose twitching, and affected a drawn-out Canadian accent. “‘Emm-ett.’”

“God, you are such a fucking—”

“Jesus Christ,” Shane said exasperatedly. “Can you two stop arguing for five fucking seconds?”

Jackie nodded in agreement. “Get it together, Hayden.”

“Me?! He’s the one who—”

“Let -snf- Shane hold him,” Ilya cut in. “He has not spent enough time around kitties. He needs practice for when we -hgkm- buy a farm for our fifty animals.”

“I draw the line at getting an emu,” Shane said, deadpan, as he took the cat in his arms, trying to hold the tiny thing carefully without squeezing too tight or dropping her. Hayden and Jackie both laughed. A loud purring began to emanate from Sparkles as she curled further into Ilya’s lap. Ilya began blinking hard again, and he rubbed his nose into his shoulder. Hm. He hadn’t seemed quite so sniffly this morning. Must have forgotten to take his allergy pill. Again.

“Wow, she really likes you,” Hayden said incredulously.

“Of course she likes me,” Ilya said. “I am -snf- irresistible. Right, Shane?”

Shane ignored him, and Hayden’s accompanying groan, focusing his attention solely on Emmett instead. He was so soft, and his huge yellow eyes were mesmerizing. He rubbed his head against Shane’s thigh, and Shane scratched beneath his chin, and - oh. He started purring too, loudly enough that Ilya turned his head to watch the two of them. Shane placed a hand on Emmett’s side to feel his little body vibrating with the sound. Something lit up in Shane’s heart. So cute…he looked over at Ilya, and returned his soft smile. Hmm…maybe Anya wouldn’t mind if they added another member to their family?

Then Shane needed to cough against the growing fullness in his throat and scratch beneath an itch in his right eye.

Ilya gave him a questioning look but became distracted by Sparkles kneading biscuits into his leg. He dragged a wrist beneath his nose as he watched her, grinning.

Shane grinned, too. Then he scrunched up the right side of his face against the returning itch in his eye. And then his other eye. And then both at once. And then the itch became a burn that left him both annoyed and confused.

Beside him, Ilya made a strangled sound, then ducked his head back into his shoulder. “h’gnxt! ngkt-uhh! huhh, iuhh…GXT’SHHt!”

“Bless you!” Jackie exclaimed as Ilya let out a shaky breath.

Shane wanted to also bless Ilya’s incredibly itchy-sounding sneezes, but he was too busy struggling with an urgent and all-encompassing tickle in his own nose. His breath hitched, at an embarrassingly high pitch, and what came out was “Blehh-ehh-eh’TSCHHhh! ts’chhhoo!” As Emmett mewed in surprise, Shane snuffled and blushed and blinked, hard. Just as Ilya had been doing since he’d started playing with the kitten. Oh, shit. “Eh-excuse m-! hdt’shiew! hh'ISHhhuhh!”

“Oh, shit,” Hayden said, echoing Shane’s thoughts. “Are you guys allergic to cats?”

Shane noticed that Ilya was avoiding everyone’s gazes. He attempted to give him a what the fuck? stare but had to give up when his vision began to blur with tears. “I-I didn’t knowhhh-!” he tried to explain. Jackie swooped in to pick up Emmett before Shane could jostle him further with his sneezes (not that they were strong enough to really bother him, like Ilya’s would be, but still). "huh-ISChhh! hh'ISHhhhoo! hah-tishh'hew!"

Ilya, meanwhile, was handing Sparkles back to Hayden before rocketing forward with a trio of explosive sneezes muffled into his hands.

"haaAAASHHhhoo! AESHhhhuhh! HAAH-SHUHHhhh!"

“Bless you! Oh my god, I’m so sorry, guys,” Jackie said. “I’ll get you some Benadryl.” She dashed off to the bathroom as Shane felt the now-burning tears begin to slip down his dripping nose. He wiped them away and turned back towards Ilya, whose face was buried in some tissues from a box that Hayden had passed him. Oh, they’re getting along again, Shane thought faintly before he had to pitch sideways into his elbow.

"hadt'schiew! -tschiew! ahh'ISHHhhew!" The sneezes came in wet bursts that left a mist on his arm, and Shane grimaced with discomfort.

“Bless you,” Ilya said, not moving his face from where it was covered by the tissues.

“-cough- Thagk you. Bless you,” Shane said, then mumbled a “Sorry” to Hayden and flushed when Ilya handed him the tissue box. Hayden told him not to worry, gave his own “sorry” - this was a very Canadian affair - and went to put the cats in the other room. Shane was grateful to have a moment to blow his nose in relative privacy, excluding the very sniffly man sitting next to him and rubbing his nose against his palm in rapid circular motions like his life depended on it.

“Ilya…" Shane noticed his husband freeze at his questioning tone. "...did you already know that you’re allergic to cats?”

With a guilty expression on his face, Ilya plucked some more tissues from the box and blew his nose with a booming, bass-note honk.

Shane huffed. “Don’t try and get out of answering the question by blowing your nose, smartass.”

Ilya sniffled thickly, and it sounded like his nose was already starting to fill back up with congestion. “I just needed to blow my nose, Hollander.”

“Oh, it’s Hollander now?” Shane narrowed his eyes. “You did know you were allergic, didn’t you?”

Ilya paused. “…-snf-…Maybe.” He said this in the direction of Shane’s knees.

Shane threw his arms up. “Jesus, Ilya!”

“What am I supposed to do? Say no when a kitten is offered to me?! She is so cute, Shane!”

“Wait, you’re the one who asked to hold—you know what, no.” Shane sighed and shook his head. “Forget it. Let’s go outside and get away from the dander, you look miserable.”

“So do you, moy lyubimyy,” Ilya said, staring into Shane’s eyes with a frown. He cupped Shane’s cheek in his hand, and the gentle touch somehow made Shane’s nose twitch. “Your eyes are so watery. Are you feeling very bad?”

“I’m okay. Just a little itchy and - hit’chew! - ugh, sneezy, I guess.” he took some more tissues and blew hesitantly to avoid setting his sensitive nose off again, Ilya rubbing his back all the while.

“Bud’ zdorov, sweetheart. I guess it is a good thing that you have not spent much time around cats.”

Shane couldn’t argue with that. “How are you?”

Ilya looked an absolute wreck; his sclera were tinged scarlet around the blue of his irises, his nostrils red and flaring with the need for release and relief. Some of his curls flopped loosely along his forehead from where’d they’d been flung during his sneezes. “I am—”

“Yeah, don’t even try and tell me you’re fine.” He took Ilya’s hand and led him out the French doors into to the Pikes’ huge backyard. The brightness of the sun shined down on them, and with how angry their noses already were, they both—

“hishh’yew! tissh’hhew! iSsh’ooo!”

“AESZCHhhh, ESZCHhhh, AESHHHhhuh!”

24 and 81 stared at each other for a moment before bursting out laughing, Shane reaching an arm around Ilya’s shoulder as Ilya moved to grab Shane by the waist. What a fucking mess the pair of them were. Two big, strong hockey players brought down by the likes of two itty-bitty kitties. They cackled until tears ran down both of their faces and they were left gasping and sniffling and wiping at their eyes and noses.

Nope, they were definitely not getting a cat.

There was a noise behind them, and they both turned to see Hayden and Jackie in the doorway, holding in their own laughter. Shane felt his entire body heat with embarrassment, but he was put a little more at ease when Hayden clapped the two of them on the shoulders and Jackie handed them both pink pills and glasses of water. Ilya swallowed his pill without hesitation, a testament to how bad he must have been feeling.

“I’ll take one later,” Shane said, placing the pill in his pocket. “I have to drive us home.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” He felt his symptoms beginning to subside as he continued to breathe in the outside air. “But Ilya—” they both watched Shane’s husband jackknife forward with another cluster of rapid “eshhuhh, ESHhuhh, AHHHshoo!” sneezes “—definitely needed one. Bless you,” he called over as Ilya fisted his hands and began to rub viciously at his eyes.

“Don’t do that, Ilya, you’ll make it worse,” Jackie said, beating Shane to the punch. After Shane confirmed with Ilya that his breathing was okay and that he was just, to quote Shane, “itchy and sneezy,” he sipped at his glass of water and walked towards Hayden.

“I’ve got to get us home. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, buddy.”

Shane scratched at the inside of his hand so he wouldn’t give into his own urge to rub at his eyes. “-snf- Y’know, Hayd, you could’ve just said that you don’t want us to come over anymore.”

Hayden laughed. “I would never, Cap.”

Shane froze, and Hayden’s eyes widened as he realized his mistake. “Uh, I mean—“

“It’s okay,” Shane said, though he did still feel a little pang at being called Cap. Nope, he told himself. That’s all behind you. You’re a Centaur now. He forced a smile. “Well, thanks for having us, I guess.”

“Hey, anytime. Want some food to take home?”

Shane looked over at Ilya, who was scratching at his nose and flushing red at Jackie’s kind attention. “We could always take some food home.”

——

After the two of them went back into the house to wash off their faces and wave goodbye to the cats from a safe distance, they got back into the Land Rover and started on the drive home. The Benadryl was already affecting Ilya, who was getting droopy-eyed as he leaned his head against the window.

“You are feeling better, dorogy?” he mumbled as Shane got onto the highway.

“I’m okay. You seem a little better, too.” Shane reached over and placed his hand on Ilya’s thigh.

Ilya closed his eyes. “I hope I did not scare them.”

“Who?”

“The kitties. With my sneezes. They are so big and loud.” His voice had gone very quiet, like it did whenever he was feeling sad, or insecure, or nervous, or frightened. It made Shane’s heart hurt.

“You didn’t, Ilya. And you were so nice to Sparkles, you even held back your sneezes when she was on your lap.” Shane had learned over the years that Ilya was very considerate when it came to the people (and animals) he loved.

Ilya smiled as his eyes began to slip closed. “Sparkles…so cute…wish I could pet her without itching…” his smile turned a little sad.

“Hey, Anya’s waiting at home for you, you can pet her,” Shane said, hoping to soothe the distress out of him.

“Anyoshka,” Ilya said, and even with his eyes on the road Shane could tell that Ilya’s happy smile had returned. “My sweet girl. Ya tebya lyublyu, moy ángel…”

Shane felt the butterflies in his stomach that always fluttered when Ilya was sleepy and his Russian accent came out thicker. It made Ilya self-conscious, but to Shane, it was the most adorable thing in the world.

Ilya gave a little gasp and turned towards his shoulder with a soft, itchy “hushhhoooo…” that made Shane’s butterflies increase tenfold. He had never seen his husband sneeze so quietly, and it was so sweet he couldn’t even stand it. “hushoooo…hushhooo…”

“Blehh-bless you,” Shane said, surprised to find his nose buzzing in sympathy with Ilya’s plight; he wasn’t quite free of his own allergic reaction, it seemed. “tschhh! tschh’ooo!” he sneezed as best he could into his shoulder with his hands occupied by the steering wheel.

Ilya, eyes half open, reached over and rubbed his thumb over Shane’s knuckles. “Bud’z’rov…” he slurred.

Shane couldn’t help but laugh. “I guess the Benadryl is working.”

“Mm…” Ilya yawned enormously and adjusted his head to lean more comfortably against the window.

As he slept, Shane held his hand for the rest of the ride home.

——

After Shane woke him gently and guided him inside their home, Ilya sat on the ground of the living room and held his arms out for Anya to come close. “Moy shchenok,” Ilya cooed when she cuddled into him, her backside wiggling as he scratched it. “Here is my good girl. She would never make her papa sneeze, hmm? No, no, never,” he said, taking her head in his hands and kissing all over her face. Then he smooshed his face into her chest. “My little teddy bear. You smell like corn chips,” he muffled into her fur before dragging his head away to sneeze into his shoulder. “hy’AASHHhhhuhh! hAAHHhhhoo! AESZCHhhhuh!” Anya, used to Ilya’s strong sneezes, didn’t even blink.

“Bless you, Ilya. C’mon, we need a shower, then bed.”

“Da, yes. Need to get all this…” Ilya waved a hand in the air as if it could help him conjure up the words he was looking for. “…kitty pollen off of us.”

Shane melted anew at the thickness of Ilya’s accent and his adorable substitute for “cat dander.” He helped him up, kissed his hand, then led him to the bathroom. He let Ilya lean on him as he washed them both off with the best sensitive-skin soap money could buy. (They’d learned the hard way never to buy scented body wash. Shane had thought he was going lose his hearing from how loud Ilya’s sneezes were that day.)

Wearing the matching robes that Shane had bought them for Christmas (monogrammed with their initials, of course), they got into bed and Ilya curled up on Shane’s chest. His nose and eyes were still red, but he was much less snuffly and irritated. Shane was feeling better himself, but he took his pill just in case. He had a tendency to be a bit sneezy in the mornings and after pregame naps, so he figured he may as well avoid that if he could. He felt pretty sneezed out for the week, anyway. How the hell did Ilya handle sneezing so much so often? It was exhausting.

Ilya snuggled as close as he could. “Shanya. You are okay?”

Shane smiled and nodded. “I’m good.”

“Anya?”

“She’s right here.” Indeed, Anya had approached Shane’s side of the bed for pets before going over to Ilya’s. “Let’s rest, okay?”

“Mmh.” Ilya closed his eyes, and just as Shane began to drift off, he said, “Shane…”

Shane opened his eyes and was lovestruck by the gorgeous, red-rimmed blue eyes staring back at him. “Yeah, Ilya?”

“We didn’t eat lunch...”

Shane rolled his eyes. “Oh my god, you dork. I brought home some salad for later.”