meow ...

today i spoke w my mother & she tells me how my father's face had changed bc he keeps crying since his mother passed away & how he kept holding her & begging her to stay with him

she asked me if i noticed that he looked different and i told her that i haven't looked at him and i'm still mad at him and she said that it was fair

i feel very sad for holding this grudge against my father for hurting me but time is passing and he is my father still... how could i forgive him why is that my burden to hold?

i feel like i see him and my mother constantly in myself and others and i am angry at them for making me difficult to be close to

it isn't their fault that i continued it beyond my childhood it now is mine and i am making steps to heal & develop past it but i still struggle

i am angry for the cruelty put onto me and how i thought it was necessary to feel the love that came with it occasionally

i am so angry