oooh okay so iâm not sure if this counts as a soft bitch take on this in some incredibly fucked up way, which is obviously the opposite of the point, but you know me so here we go. (edit: iâve come back to this after i finished it to say this is absolutely not a soft bitch take on this, i have no idea what the fuck this is, but itâs really fucking long and iâm so so sorry.)
but girl who knows exactly what you were doing, she obviously can see through the mindfuck here because thatâs the fun of this one, itâs so painfully obvious.
so she doesnât say it. and sure, it might not have been exactly how you were anticipating this going. you were expecting her to say it, all soft and fearful, so that you could keep going, so that you could fuck her harder and watch her eyes widen in shock and then water with betrayal. you wanted her to say it so you could squeeze her throat until her eyes roll back in her head, and then keep squeezing, until sheâs there, limp and unconscious under your hands, under your weight. just for a moment or two, of course. youâre not a monster after all. no, just enough to be able to get a good look at the expression on her face as she comes back to herself, confused and glassy eyed, brittle in a way that youâre certain that youâre the only one who has ever seen.
thatâs what you had wanted.
and first it pisses you off that the stubborn little bitch hasnât given it to you. so the next time you have her panting and whining and avoiding your fucking eyes underneath you like always, you up the ante. itâs an endurance game now, she just doesnât know it yet.
so when you lean over her to grab something from the bedside table, she gives a little gasp that almost makes you laugh. she thinks youâre grabbing a toy for her, something to make her mindless, turn her into a whining little pet for you. itâs happened before, and every single time, she looks at you with red cheeks and shy eyes for hours afterwards, as though the only thing she can think of when she looks at you is the way she begged and cried.
but thatâs not what youâre going for, not tonight. so when she registers that the click she hears is your knife opening, she blinks pitifully up at you.
âhow many times do you think iâve fucked you like this?â you ask conversationally, even as you give another thrust of your hips, angled just so to make her choke on a gasp as she tries to speak.
âlike what?â she asks, voice low and uncertain.
âwith you hiding from me? closing your eyes or looking away so that you can tell yourself that i didnât see the way you fucking love it.â
and the poor thing, she doesnât know what to say. she seems to correctly assume that thereâs danger here, but sheâs not sure what it is. sheâs watching you warily even as you donât stop fucking her, even as she lets out another little mewl with each thrust.
âwhat do you think, huh? ten? twenty? a hundred?â
she still doesnât speak, but you see the moment that she decides her course of action. she rocks her own hips to meet you, clearly her own attempt at distraction, but it feels fucking good so you let her do it, you give her a moan so she thinks itâs working. you even close your eyes, tilt your head back, give her the visual she loves, because thereâs nothing she likes more than getting to watch you without feeling your eyes on her in return. but it only lasts a moment until you feel her nails biting into your shoulder, pulling you down to kiss her again. you let her, of course, licking into her mouth until she moans, just so you can pull back and say against her lips, âput your fucking hands down.â
she does, and you watch how they shake.
she flinches a little when you lean down and anchor yourself overtop of her with one hand at her throat and the other on her chest, letting you hold the knife like a pencil with the tip scraping over her collarbone.
âweâll start with ten,â you say, watching her eyes go wide in fear.
and honestly, trying to do this while actively fucking her isnât really the way to get the cleanest lines, but this isnât about that. this is about a running tally, so when you make the first cut into her delicate skin, youâre not that worried. itâs not deep by any means, nothing dangerous, especially considering that theyâre not big slashes. just short little tick marks, less than an inch long. just enough to get you a little welling of her blood.
when you look at her, she looks fearful but she hasnât said anything, hasnât asked you to stop, hasnât said the words youâve wanted all along, hasnât even hissed at the sting you know sheâs gotta be feeling. baby girl doesnât like being hurt and you know it.
so you lean down and lick the thin line, just to scandalize her, and it works because she gives you a shocked little noise. she tastes like yours but you donât tell her that. sheâd like it too much, and thatâs not the name of the game.
the funny thing is that she still reacts to the motions of your hips, still sighs or whines when you move, but youâre distracted now, so thereâs no rhythm, nothing for her to anticipate or get used to. itâs mostly little flexes as you move over her, but itâs enough to keep her wanting.
but not for long, because that was just the first slice. the second one gets you a hiss of a breath from her. the third one gets you a minuscule little whine. the fourth one gets you a soft âplease,â and that makes you pause.
âwhat is it, honey? you want more?â you already know the answer, but you canât give it away.
she shakes her head like you knew she would and you make a comforting noise back at her. âthatâs okay, you know what to say to make me stop.â
and the best part so far is watching the wheels in her head spin. because she knows. she knows youâre giving her these marks no matter what and sheâs not going to give you the satisfaction of knowing that you did it after she told you not to. so she resolutely keeps her mouth shut, and you give her marks five, six, and seven, just a little deeper than the first few.
she lets out a hopeless moan and this time thereâs no pleasure in it. youâre fucking hurting her and sheâs letting you, all out of some misplaced sense of pride. and when you look at her face, her eyes are closed tightly enough that you see the tears gathered in the corners. you give her chest a smack with the flat of the blade and it smears the blood there, all messy and claiming, all over her porcelain skin.
ânone of that. you know weâre doing this because youâre scared to look at me. youâll watch me cut you up or iâll give you more.â
and sure, sheâs too damn stubborn to give you the words you want, but watching her eyes fly open and the tears spill down her face is even better, because you know youâve found an effective threat.
she keeps her eyes on you, wide and unblinking, save for her winces as you give her marks eight and nine. she cries softly the entire time, little sobs she tries to choke back, but you hear them getting trapped wetly in the back of her throat.
âalmost done, honey, unless you want to back out now,â you offer, all sweetness and honey in your voice, even as you give her another swivel of your hips, the one that usually makes her choke on a shout.
she doesnât even answer you, but she hasnât looked away.
tick mark number ten is almost anticlimactic in its simplicity because she gives you absolutely nothing. sheâs still sobbing a little bit, but thereâs no dramatic sense of relief, no big moment when she realizes itâs over, when you drop the knife on the pillow next to her.
and the listless look in her eyes is what reminds you that yeah, youâre still fucking her, because god, she looks fucking incredible with nothing behind her eyes. so you pick up the pace in earnest, taking your own pleasure from her body while you smear your hand all over her collarbone, covering her and yourself in the blood thatâs still trailing from her little wounds.
âyou look so fucking good like this, wearing a necklace of all the other times iâve had you shy and fearful,â you tell her, moaning when she doesnât say a goddamn word, doesnât blush, doesnât look away, doesnât do any of the things she usually does. because sheâs not there, sheâs fucking gone from this, from what youâve done to her.
but itâs not quite enough.
âiâm gonna sign you like an artist, baby. i always do. every girl thatâs ever let me cut them up gets my initial on them like a goddamn masterpiece.âÂ
you grab the knife while her brain sluggishly tries to process your words, the shock and pain and fear making her head slow and dazed.
she doesnât react as you carve your initial into her skin, and thatâs even hotter, so when youâre finished and you throw the knife down to grab her hips and yank her down to meet your thrusts because fuck, youâre gonna come just like this, using her broken body while sheâs not even there at all.
it only takes a few more thrusts before youâre coming, spilling inside her with a groan that matches the rush of blood pounding in your ears and itâs only when you come back to yourself that you realize sheâs fighting you. and fucking shrieking.
âi consent to this, i consent to this!â she cries, a high pitched, hysterical note to her voice.
you pull out of her immediately and gather her up in your arms. pulling her to sit sideways across your lap while you hold her like a baby.
âshh, sweetheart, youâre okay. iâve got you, iâve got you. youâre okay. youâre safe now, baby, itâs over. itâs all over, baby.â you tell her, pressing soft kisses to every inch of her face.
and itâs only by chance that you catch the look on her face. itâs the look you wanted from the beginning, from the instant you told her what you wanted her new safe word to be. the way her face absolutely shatters with betrayal, with shame, with the realization that she couldâve stopped it all along, if she didnât let her pride and stubbornness get in the way. the realization that she endured all of this, every cut, every mark, the blood smeared everywhere between the two of you, every single agonizing second and she couldâve stopped you whenever she wanted? (itâs a lie, but she doesnât know that.) and it breaks her completely and she dissolves into huge, wracking sobs in your arms, pushing you away with clumsy hands even as you hold her tighter.
âthatâs it, baby girl, get it all out. i know, i know, i know, you were so scared, werenât you? poor, sweet baby, youâre safe now. youâre safe with me.â itâs an absurd thing to say in this moment, but the soothing tone of your voice helps settle the sobs still making her tremble in your arms.
it takes a long time before the tears stop completely, and you get just as much pleasure out of watching her slowly put herself back together as you did watching her fall apart.Â
when she finally settles, her eyes are huge and lost and fucking exhausted and it looks good on her, and you know you shouldnât ask, but you want confirmation on something.
âwhat did it, sweetheart? what broke you?â
she narrows her eyes as much as she can, even though itâs totally incongruent with her tear stained face and defeated, crumpled posture. she doesnât answer you, so you go out on a limb.
âi lied, you know,â you tell her casually, watching her face closely. âiâve never put my initial on anyone before.â
she closes her eyes and inhales deeply, visibly collecting herself even as you let her pretend itâs all in the name of recovering from her whole ordeal. but she doesnât have her emotions locked down, not so soon after the overwhelm of what youâve done to her, because her lips turn up at the corners, just barely noticeable.
you canât help it, you laugh while you pull her closer and stand, carrying her into the bathroom to clean the blood from her chest and your hands.Â
âgod, baby, youâre almost as fucked up as i am.â