handsdown

I’ve had what you would call a difficult month. I wanted so desperately to act as though I was okay. That I wasn’t hurt. That I hadn’t let someone in ever so slightly, just to have them pull the rug out from under me and remind me that no one is ever what they pretend to be. I tried to turn my hurt into something more productive but as it so often does it just turned to anger. I’m angry. So angry that just the thought of it all raises bile from my stomach and blood to my face and I just want to yell and scream and fight. But I didn’t, and I won't. Because honestly it’s not worth it. I’m just trying to process. I find that I so rarely let myself feel things that when I do it’s very intense, even if in hindsight it’s barely even a blip on the radar of my life. So everyday I wake up and it bothers me a little less and i’m just patiently waiting for the day I realise I don’t care anymore.