numb

honestly one of the best things I did was stop going on to this site every day. highly recommend.

Hello. Happy New Year. My new year's resolution is to try to be more honest, so here it goes. I wanted to say this in person, but it looks like that is not going to happen. I am tired, I want closure, I want to get this off my chest. I don't know what happened between us, if there was ever anything there at all. When I met you, I wanted you in any capacity I could have you. I liked who you were as a person. I had a crush on you (which I'm sure you are well aware), but I tried to accept that you wanted to be with her, and I tried to accept that we were just friends. I wanted to be your friend, and I thought we were. And I thought I knew you. And I thought I could trust you with a piece of me that I hold so close that you need a wrecking ball to break it open. And I tried to open it and let you see, because I wanted help. I wanted a friend. And I don't know when things changed. Maybe then. Maybe earlier. Maybe they never were what I thought. But it hurt me. And it hurt me. And it hurt me. And I used it to keep hurting me. I know this was not fair of me, I'm sorry. I know it is not your job as a friend to solve my problems, and I hope I didn't cause you any damage in the process. I know I wasn't honest about much back then, and I wasn't a great friend either, and I'm sorry for that too. I am also trying hard to understand and accept that the people in your life are on their own paths, on their own journeys, and in their own realities. That our paths may never converge at the right time. Or maybe they were joined for just a short period, and are diverging once again. And sometimes I am still mad at you, because this is a hard lesson to learn. As I'm rambling on, I realize I don't know what else to say. I still care about you as whatever and whoever you are to me, I don't know if that will ever change. Even now, as you are a stranger. Even now, as I have absolutely no clue how you feel, or if you ever felt anything at all. And it is okay if you do not feel the same. I do hope you are doing okay. I hope you are doing fantastic. I hope you are whatever you want to be. I also want to say that I don't expect anything from you, or anything to come from this message. I am sending it for me, selfishly. If you do want to talk, I will be here. My only request is that you say something real. Happy 2020, G. I hope it is truly full of joy.