I haven't really had the wits about me to write anything, and everything has already been said by people way more eloquent than me, but it's like I told Sus earlier today. I just miss him terribly.
I miss who he was, who he had the potential to be. I grieve for the boy who so desperately wanted to be liked, who just wanted to bring joy to the world. I grieve for the man who was so lost and will never get to be all those versions of himself he was supposed to grow into.
I am just so fucking sad. I'm sad there will never be new music. I'm sad he will never get to go on tour with an album he's proud of. I'm sad he won't be able to grow and learn that at the end of the day, what matters most isn't the approval of others but a deep sense of self love.
I'm angry too. I'm angry at the mob mentality and at the absolute senselessness of his death. I'm angry that it takes death for people to mellow out in their opinion about him. I'm angry that people refuse to take accountability and find others to blame.
I'm also so grateful. For this fandom, for all the people it brought me. For the friendships that have shaped me, even as an older fan. For the profound joy and profound impact they've had on our lives.
I don't know where to go from here. But I know that wherever life takes me, these boys will always be a part of it. This grief will always be a part of it, but so will the joy. The absolute sheer joy I've experienced, which makes this grief bearable. Because what a beautiful thing it is to grieve so deeply, to have loved so deeply.
I love you Liam. I love you Louis and Zayn and Niall and Harry. And I love you, this fandom, my friends, the people who have reached out to me, this community that I would never want to miss, even if it means I wouldn't be grieving now. Getting into this fandom is and will always be the best decision I've ever made.
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gummygunk
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theartofmadeline
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