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Days on end with nothing
but mint gum and willpower
dressed up as discipline.
“You look so good!”
“So healthy.”


But they knew damn well
they hadn’t seen me eat.

They watched me skip dinner,
turn down my favorite snacks,
sniff food like perfume…

never tasting,
never indulging,
never even trying to hide.

They didn’t ask.
They didn’t care.


Because when a fat girl gets smaller,
the how never matters.

“You look amazing!”
“Don’t gain it back, haha!”
“You can finally wear a bikini!”
“Just keep going” they say…

even if it erases you.

And once again,
that echoing, bottomless need
to fill the empty
without ever being full.

I thought it was nothing. Zero.
A sugar-free sip,
harmless and light.
I didn’t check the label…

just fed my thirsty bones
on assumption.
On hope in a sweet disguise.

But the label whispered back

Not zero.

And it shattered me.
The betrayal of numbers.
Calories I didn’t choose.
I didn’t mean to fail.

I didn’t mean to make three days
of starving
mean nothing.

I didn’t mean to.
I’m sorry.
I’ll look next time.
I’ll be sure.


But suddenly, my sacrifice
didn’t feel sacred anymore…
just hollow.

Meaningless.

I pass vending machines

graves of cravings I buried alive.
Too greasy.
Too salty.
Too sweet.
Calories.
Calories.
Calories.

No dinner with him.
I said no too many times.
Stomach growling to his deaf ears
as he holds my thinning frame.

Taking the dog for dozens of walks
not for him,
but for me.

But no one noticed.
Not him.
Not anyone.

Not even when my phone
glowed with commandments
I carved into myself

distract
don’t binge.
don’t eat.
don’t eat.

don’t eat.

I know I’m loved…
I know.
But not by me.

And the girl in the mirror
still begs for forgiveness…

for her lack of control,

for her lust for food
for how her belly sways,
how her jeans cut into skin,
how she fills a room
too easily

being so visible
but never really seen.

She is tired of shrinking in spirit
while growing in flesh.
Of starving quietly
and still being called undisciplined.

So I will starve her.
I will count every bite.
I will sip salted water like penance
and say nothing…
not to him,
not to anyone.


I will let the mirror do the talking.

Not because I must vanish to be worthy…
but because I want to stop feeling
like a walking regret.

A failure in motion.
Proof of indulgence.
Evidence of greed.

I want to pose without apology.
I want to laugh
without counting chins.
I don’t want to be the biggest in the room.
I don’t want food

to be the highlight of my day.

I want to love the girl I carry…
even if I must peel her away
layer by layer,
like a molting beast
reaching for light.