☪☮🕉♓️☯

Everywhere I go, whoever I meet, whatever I do, I'm dragged down by my friend Grief. I've carried him with me for as long as I can remember, though he's grown significantly throughout the last few years or so... The thing about Grief, is that he's all over the place. Sometimes Grief gets angry. He yells and he screams and he slams doors. Grief gets really really sad too. Some days he's so sad that he makes me stay in bed all day and won't let me turn on the lights. He's really fucking needy. If you ever start to wander away from him, he grabs you by the hand and drags you back to him. I try to pretend Grief isn't there at all. That way, I can keeping taking steps forward instead of being held back. Without Grief, I can grow and learn and change so that maybe life doesn't have to be so bad after all. But the thing about Grief is, that he doesn't care how long it's been or how well you're doing at moving forward. Grief will, however, let you give it your best effort. He knows you're incapable of living without him anymore. He'll watch and wait ever so patiently, until one night you see something that your person used to like, or you hear their favorite song on the radio, or you catch a glimpse of an old photograph... And that's it. Grief hits you like a tidal wave. He washes over you and consumes you. He knocks the wind out of you, and redrills the hole in your heart just a little bit bigger than he left it. He leaves you sobbing your eyes out on the bathroom floor, replaying the sound of their voice and their laugh. He leaves you saying "no" and asking "why?" over and over again. Grief and I have a bittersweet relationship. Most days I wish I could get rid of him, but at the same time Grief is the one that can replay the memories. He's the only one that can bring back all that I have left of her. And I've got to make peace with him for that.